Sunday, July 31, 2011

Stop! -- In the name of the -- Never Mind...

I hear a famous game show host recently injured himself while chasing down a burgler.  My question is -- Why?!  "That was a dumb move, Mister."  Look, it's not that I'm afraid or anything but I wouldn't chase after some "bad guy."  What for?  I mean, I already get enough cardio at the gym, guys.  Beside, what if I chased after a burglar and actually caught him -- then what?  What if he's big, and mean and carries a concealed a weapon... "What ya gonna do about it, shorty?"  Talk about awkward.  "Never mind..."  Imagine, a big crowd gathers,  everybody expecting me to make a citizen's arrest.  "I'm not a fighter, I'm a --"  No, catching burglars is not the smartest thing...  Okay,  just for argument's sake, let's say I pin down a burglar.  Fine.   Am I supposed to take him to the police station myself?    In my own car?  "But I don't have a siren."  What if this crook refuses to fasten his seat belt?  "Click it or ticket, Mister."  It could happen, right?  I'd hate to get a ticket for something so preventable.  "Officer, I was just about to drop off this felon at the pokey -- may I be excused?"  No cop's going to care -- he's going to write me up, true or not true?  And what's the first thing my insurance agent's going to do?  (after he sings something about a 'good neighbor')  "I told you not to let strangers ride in your car -- I'll have to raise your rates."  Great, more money out of my pocket.  That's what I get for trying to do the right thing.  "Next time, steal all my worldly possessions.  I don't care!"  Wait, but not my baseball cards, and not my baby pictures, and not the cowboy boots I wore to Grad Night.  Yeah, I better practice those Miranda Rights I learned on TV:  "You have the right to steal most of my stuff..."

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Golf, Anyone?

I understand a famous golfer who goes by "Tiger" recently dumped his long-time caddy.  Well, Tiger, I'm here to offer my services -- for the right price (My time's valuable, okay?).  I'm quite capable of carrying around a golf bag -- on either shoulder -- without complaint (It's no different than lugging out the trash, right?). About the only drawback to being a caddy that I can think of is grass stains.  "My wife's gonna kill me!"  Yeah, I can do all that caddy stuff with my eyes closed.  Why, I'll even dress up in those old-time goofy outfits if I have to. "Does this make me look stupid?" (my price just went up).  About the only other negative to being on a golf course is that you have to be very quiet.  "Shhhhhh..."  Hardly a whisper.  "What, no booing and cheering?"  Apparently not.  "We can't even sing to Queen's 'We are the Champions'?"  Nope.  "What about doing the Wave?"  Nada.  Heck,  I'll just have to accept certain restrictions, but it'll be worth it.  Now, I must admit I don't know all the rules of golf but I'll catch on.  For example, there's this thing they call "bogie."  From what I understand, it was originally intended to be "boogie."  That's fine with me -- I love to dance!  And yes, I'll take on a golf club as my dance partner if that's what good caddies do.  "I want to be the best!"  Anything to keep Tiger relaxed and focused on his golf game.  "Go fetch that ball!"  Now that, I may have trouble dealing with.  "Ask me nicely."  Especially if it means having to chase after a ball that lands in gator-infested waters.  "You get it! -- you're the tiger!"

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

My First Ride

I'll never forget one particular birthday gift back in the day: a classic Hippity Hop... It was the greatest gift ever.  If memory serves me right, I was 15-years-old... Or was it 16?  From the moment Hippity Hop and I met, we became inseparable.  (Is it any wonder I didn't start dating 'til later in life?)  We were the best of friends, so I figured why go out when I had a big round ball to keep me company...  "BFF!" Yup, Hippity Hop was the ideal companion for me; he never talked back, I didn't have to feed him anything other than air... "How many pounds per square inch would you like, buddy?"  Picture this: Hippity Hop and I  bouncing around the neighborhood, without a worry in the world (truly a Rockwell moment). "Hop, Sammy, Hop!"  Life was truly wonderful in those days.  Mama would wave from the window as I hopped by, full of pride.  "That's my baby!"  Good ol' Hippity Hop, he's the one who encouraged me to consider bronco riding as a living (a urologist friend of the family quickly discouraged that notion).  Then one day it finally happened: I discovered girls.  Not wanting to offend Hippity Hop, I compromised.  I showed up at my date's doorstep with Hippity Hop in tow.  "What in the world is that?!" the girl screeched... Believe it or not, she got offended when I introduced Hippity Hop to her.  "Hop on," I said invitingly.  Don't ask me why but the girl refused to ride on Hippity Hop with me.  What did she expect -- a car?!  Years later, I got the last laugh when I rode by her house -- all Mr. Cool -- on my way to the prom... on my sleek mini  moped.  Oh yeah...

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Burn, Baby, Burn!

There's a lot of pressure living in Southern California during the summer months.  For one thing, you'd better have a nice tan or people are going to snicker and look at you funny... "Either he just came out of the hospital or he's starring in the next Twilight movie."  Then, if you attempt to tan but come out looking like a lobster, hungry onlookers will try include you in their next seafood salad... "It tastes kinda salty."  When you think about it, there are so many better things to do than trying to get a golden tan.  Example: You can do volunteer work at a senior citizens home... "You want me to do what?!"  Or you can help feed the hungry... "Can I go on break? -- my lunch is getting cold."  Another option to consider is helping a child with his or her homework... "How many times do I have to tell you?!  -- every sentence starts with a capital letter!" Not that it's ever happened to me, but if you decide to tan, don't forget to remove your sunglasses... "Dude, you look like a raccoon! -- I'm gonna hunt you down!"  For those that suffer from claustrophobia, I discourage you from trying out those local tanning booths... "Help!  Get me outta here!"  Please, no need to panic... "I can 't breathe! I can't--" Some people are such attention seekers...  Take it from me, tanning is an art form that's not meant for everybody... "Uh, you may want to take off your dress socks next time..."  Good idea...