Stayin' Alive!

Sorry, but traveling abroad is not at the top of my to-do list.  Far from it.  "We'll have to do a cavity search, sir."  Enough said, right?  Wait til you hear about the bonehead moves by supposed doctors in far-off countries.  I mean, did you catch the one about the  patient in Brazil who was pronounced dead by her physician? -- just one problem: she was still alive.  Yes, the poor woman was mistakenly bagged in a cold storage drawer at the morgue!  (I've heard of bag ladies, but this is too much.)  I'm not making this up, guys.  Her daughter was called in the middle of the night to identify the body: "Uh, why's she blinking?  -- My mother's blinking!"  Can you imagine the horror, being stuck in a freezer for all those many hours?  "Can I have the last popsicle?!"  In my humble opinion, this woman really got the cold shoulder.  But wait, I have more for all you globetrotters out there: Back in July, a South African man woke up only to find himself  locked in a morgue's refrigerator, too!  -- yes, same thing!  The poor guy played the unenviable role of Mr. Freeze for twenty-one stinking hours!  "Hey, somebody help me! -- It's freezing in here! -- Can I at least have a sweater!"  (I appreciate cool weather as much as the next guy, but that's way out of line.)  What I'd like to know is where'd these so-called doctors studied medicine... "Why, I completed med school on-line."  Okay, that explains it...

There's No Place Like Home...

"What happened to our house?!" My mom still can't believe another family lives in her property -- that was sold over 20 years ago.  "What's with all those bushes? -- we didn't have a tree out front!"  My parents took such great care of their first casita...  I had a chance to visit my old neighborhood recently, so I drove by the house where I grew up, where I became moi.  (Yes, we were one of the first Latino families to hit the lily white neighborhood back then... "Run for your lives -- Mexicans!") I decided to stop and take a picture (maybe I shouldn't have shown it to Mom) and so many memories came flooding back:  Like the time a couple of vicious German Shepherds jumped me as I headed to school.  "Somebody help me! -- these beasts are gonna swallow me whole!" (okay they were Chihuahuas) I took a peek out back where a basketball rim used to hang... "I'm gonna grow really tall and play in the NBA and make millions and -- !"  Yeah, right... Around the corner I saw the convenience store where I was frisked by a clerk who had nothing better to do one day... "Let me check your pockets, kid!" (I looked like a criminal even back then, I guess).  I think back to how my mommy walked me to school every morning... "I can walk by myself, honest."  Finally, she let me walk that last long block on my own (I was a junior in high school -- or was I a senior?).  I remember all those kiddie birthday parties my parents threw for my sister and me... (they quickly turned into "big people" blowouts) I can still see my first ever car in the driveway... "A Chevy Nova, Dad? -- really?!  And then there's the backyard avocado tree that fed us guacamole all those many years... "It needs salt -- and more cilantro."  No doubt about it, you can certainly go home again, at least for a visit...  "I don't know why we ever sold that house -- our house!"  Oh, Mom...

"Is That A Pooch In Your Pouch?"

Awhile back, I may have mentioned that I'd never want to be a dog.  Well, I was barking up the wrong tree.  "I take it all back, my canine friends.  Can you ever forgive me?"  See, I recently took a sec to view one of those rich wives reality shows (I swear, I usually don't watch anything so vapid, so trashy -- honest!) and what did I see? -- a pooch getting carried around in a sequined purse on Rodeo Drive... "Hey, I can do that!"  I swear, it's like watching some Egyptian pharaoh getting fed grapes... "Grapes in my belly!"  Simply put, life doesn't get better than that, guys.  "Where do I sign up?!"  Put a ribbon in my hair, feed me fancy dog biscuits that taste like snails -- I don't mind. (as long as I'm included in the will)  I'll even wear a cute little sweater -- one that reads 'Precious.'  And you won't ever, ever hear me complain if I'm put in one of those over-sized handbags either... "Wow!  It's like a condo in here!" (there's enough space to fit a satellite dish in some of those lady purses) I can already see it, my lady master and me shopping all day long, getting our nails -- and paws --done, riding home in a shiny new Rolls... "La vida rica."  I'll be willing to sit there and listen to Plastic Woman's tales of reductions here, enhancements there -- and every subject in between... "I need more jewelry!" Yes, being the toy dog for some filthy rich family's the best thing that could ever happen.  "I'll be treated like one of the kids! -- even better!"

Look What I Found!

Did you hear about the guy who found $150,000 in his backyard?  Lucky son of a gun... I bet that guy was just sitting there, watching his weeds grow when he made his discovery.   Why, all I ever find in my backyard are chewed up bottle caps and a bunch of gopher holes... "Hey Ma, I just found us one them there bucktooth critters -- we're havin' us a barbeque!"  With my luck, I'd probably find a missing body before I found money... "Officer, I swear -- those gotta be chicken bones."  About the only valuables that I come into contact with are my dog's personal treasures.  "No! -- these are brand new shoes!"  Heck, when I go to my backyard, the only shiny thing I get a glimpse of is my dopey neighbor's bald head -- yeah, the one that's too cheap to go halves on a fresh new fence.  "What if we go with chickenwire?"  The big lug, he doesn't even trim the gigantic palm trees that sway ominously overhead.  "Don't they remind you of Hawaii?"  Ha!  "They remind me that you're coconuts!"  But I digress... Getting back to the dude who found that money, talk about fortunate.  "Finders keepers..."  How could one person find all that bread?  "He didn't even have to scratch off anything!"  What cracks me up is the guy claims he turned the money over to authorities.  Yeah, right.  "ALL of it? -- really?"  I don't believe him.  I'm sorry, I just don't.  I know what I'd be thinking if I found me a wad of dough: "I'll stuff a few bills into my pocket -- no one will know."  There aren't any cameras around... Beside, I can always go to confession, right? -- contribute a little extra to the poor box...  "You're forgiven, my son..."  Nice...