Saturday, December 31, 2011
On the eve of New Year's... uh, Eve, I'd like to take a moment to warn friends and family about a potential problem: Yes, Karaoke may be hazardous to one's health. "You mean my tonsils?" If you'll allow me, let me explain... Maybe you have, maybe you haven't -- probably you haven't: Has anybody heard about the brawl that broke out over an innocent round of Karaoke? Yes, that really happened. People got hurt, bodies went flying everywhere... all because of a simple song. (No, I don't think it was a Willie Nelson tune.) Playing the role of good Samaritan, I welcome this opportunity to warn all prospective karaoke singers as to what may happen if singing efforts are not up to snuff. Simply put, you may get punched in the face by your harshest critics. Pow! Bam! Slam! "I've fallen and I can't get up!" Isn't that sad? Isn't that cruel? My fellow Americans, is this what our great country's come to? Here we -- uh, they are, trying to entertain, and instead of happy times, aspiring singers are being attacked on stage. "Booooo! Hisssss!" -- and that's just for starters! Violence is taking over this great country of ours over the dumbest things. (By the way, does anybody know if the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight is ever going to take place?) Political pundits tell me there's talk of adding an amendment to our great Constitution: "All Karaoke singers are created equal." Yes, anything to promote equality and curb the violence. Please, please, all you wannabe singers out there, be careful. Especially tonight. Have a safe and happy New Year, everybody, and whatever you do, don't sing off-key...
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Some people have way too much time on their hands -- or mouths. Did you all hear about that New Yorker who ate a light bulb in record time? Huh? Who has time for that? What must his parents think...? "Five years of college for this?!" Maybe Mr. All-You-Can-Eat" should dedicate his time to something more constructive -- like setting the table, helping the homeless, or working on that Honey-Do-List he's tried to avoid (not speaking from experience, okay?). "When are you gonna pull those weeds?" Think about it, who has time to practice eating light bulbs? "Can I have a taste?" Here's something else to consider: what type of bulb does a person sit down to eat? Halogen? Incandescent? Strobe?! "Excuse me, what's that sticking out of your belly?" I'd like to see this guy get past airport security... "Step aside, sir... we'll have to check for filaments." Ouch... Why, I bet Thomas Edison's rolling over in his grave. "I never thought I'd have to add salt to any of my inventions..." Now, just as I'm trying to digest this very disturbing light bulb news, I read about a woman who had a pen lodged in her tummy for 25 years! What?! (I don't even want to consider how it got there.) Hello? Does anybody believe in nutritious diets anymore?!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
They sure don't make thieves like they used to. Look, I don't condone their actions, but today's thieves just don't realize the time and preparation that it takes to execute a successful robbery (Call my agent if you have issues with what you're about to read). Exhibit A: a couple of 'smart' guys thought they'd pulled off the greatest train robbery in recent memory. "Yeah, we scored!" Okay, but then they discovered their loot -- a train full of corn. Corn! A sea of corn, as far as the eyes can see. "I've never seen so many ears!" I can just hear those dorks: "I thought you said 'Coin!'" No, not coin -- corn! The train was packed with corn, folks. Talk about not being prepared. These guys didn't do their homework -- now look at the results. "What are we going to do with all this corn?" Good question. "Want to make some tortillas?" Oh, they'll have to do better than that; otherwise, they'll have a house full of corn for the next ten years. "Honey, when are you going to clean out the garage?" There must be something they can do with all that corn, right? "How 'bout corn on the cob? Corn bread? Corn casserole? Enough already! "Scalloped corn? Baked corn? Corn pudding?" Unbelievable... That's what those lawless lunatics get for being so dumb. "You didn't want to listen to me. You didn't want to rob a bank instead." If nothing else, those guys should stop complaining and try to stay positive. "Man, I gotta see a doctor. These corns are killing me." Not exactly what I had in mind...
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I feel bad for telephone booths. Really bad. They're going the way of the dinosaur. We hardly see them anymore. "Hey, where'd all you guys go?" Aficionados of the glass-encased booths can thank cell phones for that. "Thank you -- not!" Just about everybody has a cell phone these days. "What's a phone booth, Daddy...?" Come to think of it, the lack of phone booths really complicate matters for one of America's favorite superheroes. That's right, our very own Superman. Stop what you're doing and consider his dilemma for a brief moment: Superman gets a call to an emergency, right? Guess what he has to worry about first: "Hey, I can't find a place to change!" Did you hear that? -- he doesn't have a place to change! All the phone booths are gone! "What am I supposed to do, undress in broad daylight?!" Poor guy... Should Superman go knocking door-to-door in hopes of finding a place to put on his cape? Ding dong: "Excuse me, ma'am? May I borrow your bathroom for just a minute? -- I need to put on my tights." Huh? The big guy will be lucky not to get arrested. "Help! There's a perv on my property!" By the time he's finished explaining, Superman will be late for the next emergency. Before you know it, the masses will lose faith in him. They'll turn elsewhere. "Quick -- somebody call The Incredibles!" As you can see, it's not so easy finding a place to slip into a superhero's outfit. Next time you're walking around the neighborhood, I challenge you to knock on a neighbor's door, smile, and ask: "Hi. May I come in your house and change? -- I couldn't find any bushes. Nor a phone booth."