Saturday, March 31, 2012


Psssst... you.  Yeah, you...  "Why are you whispering?"  Well, I have this little secret...  I need to share this secret with somebody -- anybody.  If I don't, I'll probably burst.  "You mean it'll be our little secret?"  Yes, that's right.  But you can't tell anybody, okay?  "Fine, but the whispering, I can barely hear you..."  Sorry.  Okay, here's my deep, dark secret: I... I... I can't help my kids with math homework  anymore!  And I feel really, really bad about it.  "Oh, you shouldn't feel bad."  I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I just feel plain... bad.  Really, really bad...  "That bad, huh?  That's too bad."  I don't know but, since when did counting on my fingers become obsolete?  I remember when the kids were little and I took great pleasure in helping them with their math when I got home from work.  "Daddy's so smart!"  Yeah well... Now, I get the shakes just thinking about getting home (and no, it has nothing to do with my wife's cooking).  "Dad, can you help me with this problem?"  That's become a problem.  "Pops, what's an anti-derivative?"  (Great, how 'bout an anti-depressant, instead?) One day, I simply froze.  "Dad, can you help me with this convex polyhedron?"  Huh?  I didn't know how to tell the kids that I didn't understand their math.  "What's wrong, Dad?  You used to help us all the time."  Then, I came up with a solution -- at least I thought I did.  I began to lie.  I came up with excuses to avoid the nightmarish math.  "I can't find my glasses." (I don't wear glasses.) "I'm a Peruvian spy --- and Peruvian spies don't do simple math..." (where is Peruvia, anyway?) Finally,  "Figure it out yourself, kids -- it builds character."  How sad...  I better tell them the truth.  In the meantime, I have to go to the market, buy a couple of items.  "Hey kids, you know how to figure out the sales tax...?"   

Friday, March 30, 2012

"Wanna Be My Friend?"

Mike Tyson, is not alone.  As you may all remember, there was a time when the former champ had a thing for ears (ink to the face came years later).  "My, what juicy ears you have..."  Well, along with Girl Scout cookies, I'm pleased to announce that a certain thing for ears isn't going away any time soon.  Not too long ago, I put my own "orejas" to good use and heard about a guy who had nothing better to do.  So, instead of going out and feeding the homeless -- or helping the elderly -- he used his time and energy elsewhere.  That's right, the guy went out and bit off a buddy's ear  -- over a gambling argument.  "With friends like that..."  Ouch!  At the cost of some cartilage, I'd like to put a positive spin on the unfortunate incident.  Yes, I'll try to turn this into a teachable moment (maybe I'll be an educator in another lifetime).  Be sure to take notes, boys and girls: 1.) Think twice before you gamble.  "I bet ya anything I can get a date with Kate Upton before you can..."  2.) Cover your ears with duct tape if you're going to upset a friend.  "That hurts, ya know?"  And 3.) Be sure to know what you're going to do with the ear once it stops bouncing around and settles in a pool of blood... "I'm not going to pick that up! -- You pick it up! -- you did it!!!"  Oh, and whatever you do, folks, don't share these succulent ear stories with Mom -- especially if you're Mexican.  Before you know it, she'll be hard at work in the kitchen...  "Anybody want menudo?"

Sunday, March 25, 2012

"What's in the bag?"

Did you hear about the high school student who attacked an assistant principal over a bag of chips?  "You're not getting back these -- Ugh!  My solar plexus!"  It's true, ladies and gentlemen.  The incident happened somewhere in Ohio.  "That's in Canada, right?"  Not the last time I checked... It's no wonder so many people want out of the Midwest... "Our minors are not allowed to eat chips without a license."   Obviously, Ohio's a very strict state.  And from what my sources tell me, there's not much to do there, either.  "We know how to have plenty of fun."   Sorry, but football in the frozen tundra and watching things rust aren't enough.  Then again, there's always the opportunity to fight over a bag of chips... "That bag of sodium's mine!"  Even though I believe in our Constitution and the Freedom to Stuff Face, I have to side with the school administrator on this one.  "Why's that?"  Well, surely the school's trying to promote healthy eating... "How 'bout a celery stick instead?"  It's a shame today's youths have to resort to such measures when they get the munchies.  "Give me back my chips!"  I guarantee you, someday this kid's going to return to school and thank the assistant principal... "Thank you."  I can already hear it.  "Hey, guess what?  I don't eat junk food anymore.  Nope.  I turned to cigarettes instea -- Hey, give me back my smokes!" Oh boy... 

Sunday, March 18, 2012

"Want That With Cheese?"

Hello, can anybody hear me?  Hello?  Yes, did anybody catch how local police were able to lure a naked man from a downtown radio tower?  "Really?  Give us the details, please."  Okay, but only because you said please.  "You sure the guy was wearing his birthday suit?"  Why would I lie?  Here's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the naked truth:  "Pinky swear?"  It seems the cops convinced this nut job (bad choice of words) to leave his perch by way of a sophisticated ploy:  "James Bond would be so proud."  That's right, they fed him hamburgers.  "Are you serious?"  Yup, that's all it took.  And that got me to thinking that maybe I should try something similar with my own kids.    While they don't climb radio towers in their undies, my kids need the occasional 'motivator' to help around the house.  "Clean your room!"  Nothing... "Clean up after the dog!"  Zero... "Fold some clothes!"  Zippo...   Frankly, my wife and I ran out of ideas on getting the kids to help with chores  -- "We're gonna tell Santa!" -- until now.  From here on out, I'll bribe them with fat, juicy hamburgers.  "But is that healthy?"  Hey, I'll try anything if it guarantees a trace of cooperation from our 'delightful' teens.  "Can't mow the lawn, Dad."   What?  It can't be.  Why not?  "You forgot the ketchup."  Oh...  "And a toy."