Sunday, April 29, 2012
I know all of you out there are law abiding citizens. You'd never want to break the law, right...? "I once got a ticket for jaywalking. Does that count?" Okay, but you didn't end up in the "Gray Bar Hotel," I bet. Go to the Dark Side for a quick moment, imagine getting thrown in jail with a bunch of hardened criminals. Pretty heavy stuff, right? All eyes are on the new guy, everybody's tense. Even the toughest of the tough are a little bit nervous as the newest inmate settles in. You could hear a pin drop... Finally, somebody dares to ask: "What ya in for, son? First degree something, right?" That's when the new guy admits: "Uh, I stole a 2-year-old's piggy bank." Huh? "¿Qué dice este vato?" Don't believe me? "Don't believe you." Yes, this actually happened. Look it up... I understand the judge even tried to give this genius a second chance: "You sure you don't want to give it another go, rob a bank or something?" Sources tell me the inmates didn't beat this guy to a pulp for one sole reason: They couldn't stop laughing. "You stole WHAT from WHO?! You're killin' me!" People on the inside tell me some lifers were really insulted by the Piggy Bank Bandit's actions. "He'll ruin our reputation!" Why, Al Capone's ghost was so upset, he put in a call to Geraldo Rivera: "What's next, a 6-month-old's pacifier?" In the end, let this be a reminder to us all: Crime doesn't pay. "But what about politics?" That's a different story...
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I tell ya, I thought I'd heard it all. Then I stopped the Disco mix and removed my ear buds long enough to hear this: There's a woman who actually eats sponges and bars of soap. Yes, she eats them! "¿Cómo? -- Hasn't she heard of mouthwash?" Let me explain, please. "It's a whole lot easier on the trachea." Okay, so at first the news left a bad taste in my mouth. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's no big deal, actually. "Live and let live, no?" Still, I have to wonder if this woman's "soap thing" goes back to when she was a kid... "We're gonna wash that mouth out with soap, young lady!" (no word if her parents have any regrets) On the bright side, the woman's mouth is clean -- and she's obviously a cheap date. "Waiter, I think I'll have a small soap, with a touch of natural oatmeal..." Nice... On the other hand, sponges are a different story. They can be unsanitary if not totally clean. "What's that on her teeth?" This woman's setting herself up for an awkward dental visit if you ask me... "I see you've got a thing for Staphylococcus..." Yikes... But getting back to the soap, it is a whole lot easier on the pocketbook. "Have you guys seen the price of shrimp lately?" Yeah, now that I think about it, having soap as part of a well-balanced meal doesn't sound so bad after all (no, I didn't just glance at the sorry checkbook). Just for fun, I'll consider shredded soap someday. But not now, not anytime soon. There's no need to resort to such desperate meas -- "Don't forget to buy a dozen soaps!"