Wednesday, October 31, 2012
I get amused when I hear about famous celebrities insuring their beloved body parts: lips, toes, and everything in between... "You're easily amused, aren't you?" Well, all the insurance talk got me thinking one day... "Oh oh..." Yes, I'll admit that I tried to come up with a list of my own body parts that should be insured for multi millions... "You can afford the premiums?" Well no, but it's fun to think about... "You're easy to please, aren't you?" Anyway, at first I drew a blank, not sure of what to insure, so I proceeded to stand in front of a mirror and tried to choose that way.. "You're quite the narcissist, aren't you?" First of all, no! Second of all, I don't even know what that is! "You really don't know what a narcissist is?" How could I? -- I'm too busy thinking about myself... "I rest my case." Looking back on it, it was pretty difficult trying to decide... "In other words, there's nothing worth insuring, huh?" I stood there, arguing with myself, trying to pick my most valuable body parts. "You argue with yourself? -- don't make it a habit." Look, I'm not putting up with haters today. "Sorry..." Anyway, where was I? -- ah, insuring body parts. At first, I believed I'd want to insure my -- "Don't say it, you want to insure your --" That's right, my eyes. "Why your eyes?" Well, first of all, I have two. "That's a good enough reason -- and it's an even number, no?" Correct. That makes them doubly important. "Okay..." Then, there are my ears, they're extremely important to me, too. I'd never leave home without them. And yes, they come in pairs also. (By the way, my ears work quite well -- unless my wife tries to get me to listen to her Honey Do list.) "Look, if you're going to go by two's, then maybe you should insure your -- " That's right, maybe I should insure my thumbs. "That's not exactly what we had in mind..." Anyway, I went back and forth, unable to decide on my most prized body parts. Finally, I grew frustrated and turned to my wife for advice: "Honey, hypothetically speaking, what body part would you want me to insure? You know, in case I ever decided to do such a thing..." Well, my better half came up with an interesting response -- once she stopped laughing. "I'd prefer to get insurance for the dog." Huh? What makes that pooch so special? "Well, for one thing, he doesn't stand in front of a full length mirror staring at himself for hours!" Oh...
Saturday, October 27, 2012
You all know, right? "Know about what?" Apparently you don't. Let's start from the top. "Let's not -- I'm afraid of heights." As some of you may know, I'm always looking for new material. "I prefer corduroy myself..." No, not that kind of material. "What do you have against corduroy? Just because you failed Home Economics..." For your information, I did NOT fail Home Economics. "Fine, whatever you say... liar." What I mean by 'new material' is new adventures, exciting new things to learn and do. "Hey, I tried raw fish for the first time the other day." And wasn't it liberating? Wasn't it -- "I'll never do that again." Oh, but at least you tried something new, right? Something fresh, something to keep you from growing stale... "Now that you mention it, that fish was stale..." Look, being a writer requires me to go out and search for new material constantly. It's called research. "I'm a writer, too! -- I write grocery lists all the time." Please, if you'll allow me, I'm trying to make a point here. "I'll stay quiet." Thank you. What I want people to know is that I may go away for awhile... "It's about time them head doctors had you committed. -- Should I call a taxi?" No, actually, I may go away to become an alien hunter. "A what?" An alien hunter. I found an ad and applied. "You really are nutty, you know that?" Again, I'm looking for new material to write about. I've always wanted to try different genres, so this opportunity presented itself and it'll surely bring me a flood of ideas. "That's wonderfuuuul!" Now, I do have some concerns... "You should, you're going to hunt down aliens." But just for awhile. I shall return. "I don't know, you don't seem the type to work for the border patrol." No, you've got it wrong. I'm going to hunt down aliens -- aliens. The ones from outer space. "Oh. You believe in space aliens? You really think there are other beings out there?" There's only one way of finding out... "Say 'Hi' to E.T. for us." I'll have to go back to school, take some courses, but that's okay. All in the name of good writing... "I'm allergic to school. I break out in a rash in places I care not to mention." Not me. I look forward to walking onto a college campus again... "Maybe you should go walking onto other planets instead..." Yes, I'll do some of that, too, eventually. "Speaking of college, I don't think you'll look good in a toga." That's your opinion. Anyway, back to my concerns. I'm not sure how I'll react the first time I run into a space alien. I mean, what if the thing's got a bunch of eyeballs and antennae popping out of its oblong head. "Sounds like a recent date I had." Look, I was raised not to stare at people, and the same applies for space aliens. "It's not nice to stare." I know, I'd hate to be rude. "Rude is crude." Here's another concern: what about diet? "I don't recommend it -- you'll starve." I mean, what if I have to eat out of a tube of toothpaste? "That's easy -- ask for mint. And don't forget to phone home."