I don't feel safe. I'm always looking over my shoulder. "Have you tried turning around?" I'm not kidding. I'm really scared. "Then go hire a bodyguard." That's ridiculous. Why would I do that? "Cuz you're a scaredy cat." Excuse me? "You just said that you're utterly scared." I'm not utterly anything. I'm just scared, that's all -- and that doesn't mean I need to hire a bodyguard. "Just trying to help..." Yeah well, please stop trying... "You're so ungrateful. I bet you don't have many friends..." Why would you say that? Why are you attacking me?! "I'm not attacking you! And if I was, I'd suggest that you call your bodyguard." For the last time, I don't have a bodyguard -- I don't need a bodyguard! "Fine. But those that feel threatened tend to hire bodyguards." I must admit, I do feel threatened... "You must've done something horrible to require a bodyguard." I didn't do anything horrible! "That's not what I've heard." What?! What have you heard? "Oh nothing, nothing at all..." Hey, if it's about that goat on New Year's Eve, it wasn't a real goat -- it was a piñata! "Sure, okay..." Can we start over, please? "Yes, let's..." Look, I merely made a comment about not feeling safe because a New Mexico inmate broke out of jail with the use of popsicle sticks. "Good thing you don't live in New Mexico." That could happen anywhere. The simple truth's that our neighborhoods are no longer safe. "You're right -- what flavor was the popsicle?" Who cares?! How would I know?! "You seem to know everything..." Popsicle flavors are the least of our worries in these situations, don't you think? "Not if your tastebuds are picky..." What's our nation's jail system coming to if someone can escape with the help of mere popsicle sticks! "It's a scary thought. It truly is..." I told ya. It's hard to get my head around the thought that inmates are skipping prison so easily. "He probably threatened the guards with artificial flavors..." That's scary in itself... "I really hope the guy suffered brain freeze prior to escaping..." You know, sometimes you come up with the strangest ideas... "I'll take that as a compliment..." Only you would... "I bet Harry Houdini would've loved this escape artist." You'd have to ask him. "Say, I wonder what the guy did to be rewarded with a popsicle treat in the first place..." For once he was probably on his best behavior. Next thing you know, jail wardens will hand out scratch 'n sniff stickers to felons... "In that case, keep me posted -- my favorite's cherry!"
They sure don't make deer like they used to. "Did you say beer?" I said deer. I was so, so disappointed to read about several misbehaving deer that are roaming this great land of ours. Especially right now, during the holiday season. "Shouldn't that be deers?" Uh, no. The plural of deer is... deer. "Are you sure, dear?" Yes, my delightful dear, without a doubt... "Sorry, my darling DEAR, but I do dare disagree!" Fine, do as you wish. "I always do, dear! -- and if I had any say, I'd spell that with two ee's!!!" Look, I just want everybody to know that a deer stole cigarettes from a group of unsuspecting men. "Isn't that harmful to one's health?" It proceeded to chew on all of them. "The cigarettes or the men?" I'll let you figure it out. "Oh, so now I have to finish your stories. Talk about being lazy..." Then, there was a deer that tried to, uh, initiate a romantic relationship with a startled cow, if you know what I mean. "I'm not sure. Are there pictures to better illustrate your point?" I hope not. And finally, there's another deer that attacked a political sign on a front lawn over and over again. "Oh dear -- Republican or Democrat?" I'd rather not go there. "Where?" Please, let's not turn this into a political statement... "You forgot to vote, didn't you? And you call yourself an American..." Can we get back to my story?! -- and yes I did vote! "You know, for being a so-called storyteller, you don't have much to say..." Anyway, my original point was that I don't know what's come over deers, uh, deer these days. I just don't have a clue. Do you? "Don't ask us -- it's your story." Well, what I'd like to do right now is to remind all the deer out there to behave appropriately. "You mean like human beings so often fail to do..." Yes -- no! You know what I mean! "I wish I did, really..." Right now, during this holiday season is when deer should be at their cordial best. They shouldn't be causing trouble for anybody. "Maybe you should listen to your own advice..." Hello! Children love deer, they fawn all over them, for goodness sake! "And I suggest that you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why..." You mean, you mean, a very special visitor's coming to town?! "Yeah, and if you continue with that attitude, he's gonna introduce you to Rudolph's very sharp antlers!" You'd like that wouldn't you? "Yes. It's at the top of my wish list."
I was very disturbed to hear about a home break-in recently. "Oh no, was the house wiped clean?" Well no, but... "Were very personal belongings taken from the house?" No, but one particular item was tampered with in a very grotesque manner... "How gross, I'm so sorry to hear that..." Yeah well, there's no name for what happened inside that home. "By the way, what is your name?" I'd rather not say... "Fine, be that way..." Please, let's get back to the break-in, okay? "Yes, let's..." Where was I? "You're right here -- and you were about to share something gross." Oh yes... gruesomely gross... To be perfectly honest, I'm at a loss for words... "Please, try to find them, since we've come this far." I tell ya, it was sacrilegious what went on in that house one fateful night. It was not your typical break-in... "Fine, tell us what happened!" I don't think I should. I'm afraid that copycats will follow. "Please, pretty please -- with a perfectly purple pitted prune on top!" Okay, if you insist... "That, we do. We really, really do..." Well, neighbors noticed suspicious activity going on at one particular house. "Hey, that sounds like my house!" Well, police arrived and caught a guy doing something really, really sick. "Is this going to make me sick?" This individual, he, he -- you won't believe what the cops found him doing. "Don't tell me." Okay, I won't. "No, I meant 'Don't tell me' to encourage you to tell me!" Uh, you're getting me confused... "Just say what you have to say, will ya?!" Thank you, I will. But first, let's make sure there aren't any impressionable young children around. We don't want them getting any ideas... "Okay, the coast is clear." Now, this guy, the break-in artist, he -- he was caught licking something near and dear to every man's heart! "No!" Yes! -- he was licking the remote control! "The what?!" You heard -- the remote control! "Say it ain't so!" I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but -- yes! Police caught this sub species, this animal slobbering all over the remote control! "You're sure it's the TV remote?" Why do you doubt me?! It controls the oversized flat screen mounted to the wall. "Oh no, not the man cave! Not the man cave!" We have to assume so, yes. Why else would the story be all over the news? "That's pathetic. A good-for-nothing trespasser leaving his saliva on man's best friend..." I tell ya, what's this world coming to? "To a bitter end, that's what!" Never again will I look at my remote control in quite the same way. This is devastating. I may never recover... "Does that mean you'll stop watching sports forever? No more Dodgers? No more Lakers?" Well... "Let's tell your wife the great news!" Uh... Outta my way! -- I'm trying to change channels before tipoff!
There's no place like home -- to learn a thing or two... "Really? Like what?" Ladies and gentleman, please don't let your kids leave home without some basic domestic skills under their belts... "What if they don't wear belts?" Uh, it's just a figure of speech... "Oh... so what brings up this topic? You suffering from Empty Nest Syndrome?" Come on, I'm sure you read about the guy that tried to dry his undies in the microwave... "What's wrong with that? Nobody likes wet underwear..." Yeah well, the fool left them in the micro for too long, almost burned down a whole neighborhood. "How sad, that would've been inconvenient. All those fire trucks and stuff..." I mean, what was the guy thinking? Didn't his parents teach him anything growing up? "Oh, like you could..." Sure I could. I'd tell him not to leave his underwear in the micro for too long -- forty seconds, tops. Better yet, he should've used the oven instead, even the outdoor grill. That would've been safer. "I wouldn't. That propane tank's heavy, especially when it's full..." It goes to show you how some people are useless when it comes to basic domestic skills... "I'd never buy domestic. Foreign cars for me, thank you." Oookay... If memory serves me right, when I went off to college, I already knew how to iron, cook, even hem my own pants. "Oh, so that's why you wear highwaters..." I do not! It's just that I'm still growing... "In that case, you'll reach six feet by the time you're eighty..." Go ahead, tease me about my height, but as far as housekeeping skills, you can't touch me... "I wouldn't want to." My mother taught me all she knew about housekeeping when I was a kid. That helped me later on, those five years on campus, all by myself... "Wait a minute -- didn't you commute to college?" Well, yeah -- but it was a fifty minute drive. "You're so full of it..." Hey, you don't know how many times I finished my ironing while stuck in traffic. Which brings me to my next point: What happened to the days when people hung their clothes out to dry. Those were good times, when people were proud to have their underwear out, let the wind hit them. "I'm pretty sure they were struck by wind prior to..." When I was a kid, we played this game where we -- "Should you be telling us?" No listen, we played this game where we had to match hanging underwear with its rightful owner -- not as easy as it sounds. "Uh, maybe you should've played 'Hide 'N Go Seek' instead..."
