Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
FBI. It's been in the news quite a bit lately. "Really? Where have I been?" Sure, those letters conjure up images of federal investigations for some. "But not you, right?" For me, FBI takes on a whole different meaning. "Funny Bunny Inn? Fender Bender Insurance?" No, more like Fabulous Burrito Intake. "Now that one's ridiculous." As images of delectable burritos dance around in my head, my memory takes me back to when I was a young schoolboy. "As opposed to an old schoolboy..." Those times were bittersweet for me... "Did you attend a one-room schoolhouse, grades 1-12?" Back then, my mama would make me homemade burritos for lunch, then wrap them in aluminum foil to assure a nice, warm meal. "How sweet of her -- ya sell the burritos for profit to go buy baseball cards?!" No, something much worse: I'd swap them for other kids' lunches -- mere cold meat sandwiches. "What?!" I had no regard for my mama's time and effort... "And you consider yourself a connoisseur of good food? A favorite son placed on a pedestal by his dutiful mother?!" Sorry. "Traitor!" I know, I know, that was so inconsiderate of me. To think that my mom slaved away in the kitchen at the crack of dawn, adding her loving touch to my presumed noontime meals. And if memory serves me right, she hassled with chickens and hogs as part of her daily routine. "Wait a minute, perhaps you're having flashbacks of Farm Animals Gone Wild." No, I'm positive we had chickens and pigs -- or was it avocados? "You're no country boy! -- you're from the city!" It's all coming back to me: as I rolled out of bed every morning, my beloved mother was out back chasing down pesky animals in her pursuit of fresh eggs and bacon. "¡Aquí, gallina! ¡Aquí!" If my mother ever finds out what I did with her burritos, she'll be heartbroken. "And well she should be!" It's a deep, dark secret that I vow to keep away from her. I mean, I don't want my mama to dwell in disappointment in these her golden years... "You ungrateful scoundrel!" Looking back, while my dad was at work, my mom's the one that took me everywhere without complaint -- on the public bus. "Oh no..." Oh, yes... My mother never learned to drive, so she relied on public transportation to take me everywhere: swimming lessons -- "Not the high dive! Not the high dive!" -- downtown L.A., and visits to the doctor that seemed hours away. "Did he make you cough?" My mother was a saint to ride those public buses... "To say nothing of her raising you..." I'll never forget those bus rides in the dogs days of summer, when I was surrounded by armpits high above me... "Hold on to a pole, folks. It's gonna be a bumpy ride." And if that wasn't bad enough, I had to help with the stroller, too. "At what age did you start walking?" It wasn't for me -- the stroller was for my baby sister! "Sure, blame it on the siblings..." Now, one benefit of pushing around a stroller for miles on end was that it helped build up my chest muscles... To this day, I can flex my pecs with the best of them... "I wanna see! I wanna see!" Okay, but just one time... "Wow! You are good for something! -- you're not as useless as you look!"
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Somebody made an interesting suggestion to me the other day... "Finally, somebody told you to go jump in a lake." No, that was last month... It was suggested that I become a motivational speaker. "Obviously by someone under some sort of influence..." Yes. "Yes?!" I'll to give public speaking a try someday. I mean, I like talking in front of people. I always have. "Better that than their backs, right?" So, yes, I see motivational speaking as a part of my future... as soon as I motivate myself to do it. "But why would you do such a thing?" Well, I like taking on new challenges. And from what I can tell, people like listening to me speak. "Boy, they have you fooled." Beside, how hard can motivational speaking be, right? You stand in front of a mike, say a few words... Before you know it, people from around the world are chanting your name, running over hot coals for you -- and the pay's great! "So, you think you can get followers to maximize their potential, inspire them to towering new heights..." Absolutely. "Well, don't count on me -- I'm prone to nose bleeds." Oh, that's a shame... "Yeah, I hate nosebleeds. They're a bloody mess." That's what they say... "Speaking of which, there's nothing worse than getting a nosebleed at the wrong time -- on a first date." That happened to you? I'm sorry to hear that. "No you're not -- you weren't there." But I sympathize for you. "Oh, so now you feel sorry for me?-- well, don't!" Can we move on, please? "Since we're talking about nosebleeds, are you from the old school where you tilt your head and swallow back all the blood?" Well, no, I -- "Or do you hold your head steady and pinch your nose hard with a pair of pliers?" To be honest with you, I didn't plan for a dialogue about nosebleeds today. "Yet here we are having this great talk about sangre de la nariz -- tell the ladies it's French!" If you don't mind, I'd like to get back to the idea of becoming a motivational speaker someday. "I don't want to be a motivational speaker -- I want to be Santa Claus." I'm talking about me! "Oh okay, but I find the subject of nosebleeds a lot more engrossing." And I'm finding you to be absolutely gross! "What, you don't bleed? You don't have blood coursing through your veins?" Anyway, I think I can be a great public speaker. "Public... you mean talking in front of crowds..." That's right. "You don't get nervous talking to large crowds?" A little bit, but that's perfectly normal. "So, what do you do to relax before a big talk? -- I bet you suck on a carton of smokes before a speech, right? " No. I don't smoke. "I bet your wife can smell you from a mile away." Again, I've never taken up that nasty habit. "I don't mean to scare ya, but if you're not careful, you're going to end up like that lady on TV, with a hole the size of a quarter in your throat." I said, I don't smoke!!! "No need to yell -- you came through loud and clear -- despite your limited lung capacity." I am not limited. "Let's not go there..." Now, you asked what I do to relax before speaking to a large group of people, right? "Maybe you should write it down instead..." Hey, I do what any great orator does -- I bite my nails -- and I get sick to my stomach. "Really? Is that the trick?" And most importantly, I make sure to wear a reliable deodorant. "Yeah well, could've fooled me -- where are those nose pliers when you need 'em?!