As my wife continues to convalesce from her recent surgery, she has time to enjoy her favorite TV shows, but not without some stress. Which I find rather amusing... "Surgery? Don't tell me she had doctors stretch her face from here to there. I'd nip -- and tuck -- it in the bud before she looks like something that escaped a wax museum." No, my wife did not get cosmetic surgery. Far from it. She had no choice but to go under the knife for something more serious. Thankfully, she's doing fine. "That's fine that your fine wife's doing fine, but don't say I didn't warn you..." Anyway, when my wife views her favorite TV shows, including soap operas, she doesn't like to be interrupted. Not at all. "Ooh, I love operas, except when they're singing -- I have very sensitive eardrums." No, I'm talking about soap operas, where everything's so over-the-top dramatic. "Oh, you mean where at least one character's always in the hospital -- bedridden like your wife? She should be able to relate..." Please, be careful with what you say... "All she needs is that oxygen thing shoved up her nostrils and she'll be ready for the cameras!" You said it, not me. "Soap operas -- hah! Everyone's beautiful and a doctor or a lawyer -- it's a joke." Listen, you're going to get me in trouble... Please stop, I don't want this to get back to her. She can get rather loud... "Alright, alright, Wifey Boy, continue with your story." Don't tell her, but it's funny how my wife's gone ballistic at the recent flurry of Emergency Alerts. "She totally loses it, huh?" You should see her. And just because episodes are interrupted by the National Weather Service. "Oh, I hate when that happens. It's like space aliens talking through the TV." Yeah, she keeps hearing about floods and thunder showers in the area. "What floods? We're in Southern California!" That's what my wife says: "There's no floods! There's no thunder! Give me my soap opera -- now!" Speaking of floods, I would've liked a few back when I was in elementary school. "Huh?" I was always dressed for the occasion. "Uh, what does this have to do with your wife? Does it always have to be about you?" My parents used to send me to school wearing high-water pants. It was embarrassing. "High waters, huh?" Yeah, I wasn't a pretty sight... "Ditto for the present." It's a miracle I turned out as normal as I did... "Everyone has a right to his or her opinion..." Other kids wore stylish pants, while I had some that barely reached my ankles. How dare my parents send me to school looking like that! "So you wore long shorts, that's cool." No, it wasn't! It wasn't cool! I wasn't cool! And there's school pictures to prove it! "Really? Can I see them?" No, you can't see pictures of me in my high-water pants! And I better not find you sneaking over to my parents' either! "At least you got over it..." How dare you! How dare you ask such a thing! Why would -- hey, come back here! Where are you going?! Don't leave me standing here! "I'll be right back. I'm just gonna find the Emergency Alert people, so they can contact your wife. I'll let them interrupt her favorite programming so they can break the news: "Lady, your husband's nuts!"
If you all don't mind, I'd like to reveal something. "Oh, please do -- but not before we shut our eyes..." Where do I begin? How should I say this? "You may want to try your mouth..." I try not to show it, but I've been deeply disturbed for a good while now... "Poor thing, you're always the last to know..." Some weeks back, I saw a picture that still keeps me up at night. It's stuck in my head and I can't get rid of it... "Your 3rd grade picture, right? It is pretty damn scary..." That's not what I'm talking about. "Your big ol' head just about popped out of that yellow shirt and tie..." The picture I'm talking about shows the image of a dog wearing pantyhose and high heels. Unbelievable... "That's nothing. I saw one where a tiny Chihuahua and humongous Labrador are attempting to -- " Pantyhose and high heels! I saw it with my own two eyes! "I hope so. Anybody else's and it'd be called theft." Wait, there's more. "Oh, goody..." I did some research and I found similar pictures on the Internet. A whole bunch of them. What are dog owners thinking?! "Research, huh? That's what you call it..." What would possess anybody to subject their dog to such craziness? The family dog in high heels and pantyhose... Really? Come on, people! It's not right! It's just not right! "Are you sure it wasn't Oscar De La Hoya? He's dipped his toes in that a time or two..." I don't know where to start, but I want to stop this from becoming a normal thing for dogs. Just think of the repercussions... "Cussing? I'm not cussing. Don't you dare tell my mom, you hear? 'Cuz I didn't swear -- I swear!" If this trend continues, there's no way I'll ever own a girl dog. It's already expensive enough to dress my wife and daughter! "Hell, you'd never leave the mall!" I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but pantyhose and high heels will surely cause an identify crisis for Man's Best Friend. I mean, what are dolled up dogs going to think when they're walking by a construction site and they hear all those whistles? "Fetch is my guess..." Exactly. They'll be looking for a ball -- or treat -- not compliments. That's going to mess with dogs' minds: Where'd it roll? Where's my bacon bit? Where'd it go?! The next thing you know, those four-legged neurotics will require therapy. "That's another expense -- we can barely afford the visits to the vet!" And you know women dog owners will get jealous after awhile. They'll resent the unexpected competition: "Hey, I saw him first! Go away you dumb dog!"
Good work is so hard to find. Sometimes it's downright impossible... "Wait a sec, what on God's not-so-green Earth are you saying? Are you calling me lazy? Just because I'm allergic to work and break out in hives if I lift a finger doesn't mean I'm lazy!" I'm not calling you anything. "Oh, so now I'm not even worthy of a name, huh? I resent that! I resent that very much!" Please, don't misunderstand me; I'm not trying to disparage you in any way. "Speak your mind, then -- after you explain the meaning of disparage...." I'm not talking bad about you, okay? Please don't misconstrue what I'm about to say... "Miss Con did what?!" This has nothing to do with you... "What are you talking about then? Spit it out -- just not in my eyes." Maybe you had a chance to read about a crazy couple that was involved in a bizarre kidnapping awhile back... "The only thing I have time to read is your flog." Uh, it's called a blog; it's blog with a 'b.' "If you insist... The only reason I read your dumb ol' blog is because I have to. If I don't, you give me a gigantic guilt trip. You make me feel like I committed a crime or something..." I apologize for doing that. It won't happen again. Now, speaking about crimes, this particular couple kidnapped a handyman in order to get him to work on their house. They kidnapped him! "We heard you the first time..." I can only imagine what they told the poor dude: "Go into that crawlspace and don't you dare come out 'til you find a leak!" Those people had to be nuts, right? "When you get to the nuts and bolts of the matter, yes." Can you believe that? These people committed a major offense in the name of home improvements. "Caulk every hole in this house if you want to come outta this alive!" "I'll pretend I didn't hear that..." Man, if only drywall could talk... "Don't worry, I know a good speech therapist..." This crazy twosome literally held their handyman hostage! I'd do anything to find out why they went to such lengths... "You can start by sweeping the garage..." Perhaps this so-called handyman was incredibly unreliable and they reached a boiling point: "Enough is enough!" "Wasn't that a song? -- Donna Summer, I believe..." It reminds me of the guy that used to work on our house. He knew just enough to be dangerous. By the time he was through, this impostor had wreaked havoc on our master bathroom and kitchen. He pretended to know what he was doing... "Oh, so you two had a lot in common..." In a weird sort of way, I understand this couple. I feel for them -- not that I recommend kidnapping in any way... "Down deep inside, you do..." Now they face the consequences... in jail. Unfortunately, this husband-wife relationship will suffer greatly in the long-term. "Hey, in good times and in bad..." And it all stems from them trying to maintain their house by entrusting a guy with a toolbelt: "You had to insist on bamboo floors, didn't you, woman?! Bamboo floors! You'd have thought a panda bear was living here!"
"You look like you've got a lot on your mind -- go ahead, spit it out." Oh, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining; it doesn't do any good. "Still, you need to let it out..." Look, I take great pride in not being much of a complainer, if at all... "Here we go -- you're going to complain, aren't you?" Maybe just a little... You have to hear me out. "I'll probably pass out first, but go on..." I had to take my wife to the Emergency Room the other day -- it was the wee hours, actually. But more on that later... "So that was you singing Cocka-doodle-doo! -- it gets old after awhile..." My wife was in a lot of discomfort, so I told her to get checked immediately... "What a brilliant thinker you are -- she's okay, right?" Yes, she's fine now, following surgery a few days later, as it turned out... "What did doctors turn out?" I'm not going into specifics... "Oh come on, you can tell me. I'll hardly tell anyone..." I'm just glad I was there for her, in her time of need... "Which reminds me, I need you to lend me some moola..." If I may say so, I put up a brave front for my beloved as we raced to the hospital. "Thank goodness you kept your cool -- you usually become unraveled at the sight of blood while shaving." Yeah well, now I'd like to express my, uh, concerns. Not complaints -- concerns. "Oh boy, bring 'em on..." I just wish we hadn't driven so fast to the hospital -- we could've gotten a speeding ticket. "Please don't tell me you made your speed-racer wife drive. Please don't tell me." Well no, but I thought about it... "Of course you would..." Try to understand, it was way too early for me to put on my contacts; my eyes aren't accustomed to it... "Oh, you poor baby -- you should've been rushed to the hospital." I'm sorry, but my high-maintenance eyes don't make me a bad guy, okay? They don't. "Oh yes they do! -- then you should've called a taxi!" Not at their rates. "How 'bout an ambulance?" They're even more expensive -- and that's having insurance! "This is too much. There's you're wife, about to pass out from the pain and you're worried about your pretty little eyes..." Hey, it's the only pair I've got. "We are talking about your eyes, right?" Again, let me repeat myself: if I put on my contacts before a certain hour, they'll bother me the rest of the day. I'm rendered useless. "Spare us the obvious. What we want to know is, was it a boy or a girl?" It was nothing like that... "Are you sure? Cuz there's a rumor going around that you want an army of kids so you can star in your own reality show..." That's absolutely false; at least it has been for awhile... "Okay fine, so are you finally done venting?" Look, just between you and me, I wish my wife hadn't fallen ill in the middle of the night. "How inconsiderate of her..." I love my wife and everything, but I mean, a good night's sleep is important to me, too. "You are one selfish dude." Hey, I'm just trying to avoid bags under my eyes, okay? "Too late!" Really? Do you see bags?! "I see a carousel of luggage." You're joking, right? Please tell me you're joking! "How can you think this way? How can you be so vain?" Please, put yourself in my shoes for a minute... "I'd rather not, I've seen your socks -- and feet. Come on, what can possibly be more important that your wife's well-being? Please explain." Well, if you must know, I'm considering getting a state ID card, okay? I want to come out nice in the picture... "Oh well, you should've said so... Of course you want to look your best in that picture." Thanks for understanding... "Here's what you do -- you put cucumber slices on your eyes... Yeah, okay... "But be very careful; you don't want to cut yourself and then have to be driven to Emergency..."
