Fix it -- or your life!

Good work is so hard to find.  Sometimes it's downright impossible...  "Wait a sec, what on God's not-so-green Earth are you saying?  Are you calling me lazy?  Just because I'm allergic to work and break out in hives if I lift a finger doesn't mean I'm lazy!" I'm not calling you anything.  "Oh, so now I'm not even worthy of a name, huh?  I resent that!  I resent that very much!"   Please, don't misunderstand me; I'm not trying to disparage you in any way.  "Speak your mind, then -- after you explain the meaning of disparage...."  I'm not talking bad about you, okay?  Please don't misconstrue what I'm about to say... "Miss Con did what?!"  This has nothing to do with you...  "What are you talking about then? Spit it out -- just not in my eyes."   Maybe you had a chance to read about a crazy couple that was involved in a bizarre kidnapping awhile back... "The only thing I have time to read is your flog."  Uh, it's called a blog; it's blog with a 'b.'   "If you insist... The only reason I read your dumb ol' blog is because I have to.  If I don't, you give me a gigantic guilt trip.  You make me feel like I committed a crime or something..."  I apologize for doing that.  It won't happen again.  Now, speaking about crimes, this particular couple kidnapped a handyman in order to get him to work on their house.  They kidnapped him!  "We heard you the first time..."  I can only imagine what they told the poor dude: "Go into that crawlspace and don't you dare come out 'til you find a leak!"  Those people had to be nuts, right?  "When you get to the nuts and bolts of the matter, yes."  Can you believe that?  These people committed a major offense in the name of home improvements.  "Caulk every hole in this house if you want to come outta this alive!"  "I'll pretend I didn't hear that..."  Man, if only drywall could talk...  "Don't worry, I know a good speech therapist..."  This crazy twosome literally held their handyman hostage!  I'd do anything to find out why they went to such lengths...   "You can start by sweeping the garage..."  Perhaps this so-called handyman was incredibly unreliable and they reached a boiling point: "Enough is enough!"  "Wasn't that a song? -- Donna Summer, I believe..."  It reminds me of the guy that used to work on our house.  He knew just enough to be dangerous.  By the time he was through, this impostor had wreaked havoc on our master bathroom and kitchen.  He pretended to know what he was doing... "Oh, so you two had a lot in common..."  In a weird sort of way, I understand this couple.  I feel for them -- not that I recommend kidnapping in any way... "Down deep inside, you do..."  Now they face the consequences... in jail.  Unfortunately, this husband-wife relationship will suffer greatly in the long-term.  "Hey, in good times and in bad..."  And it all stems from them trying to maintain their house by entrusting a guy with a toolbelt:  "You had to insist on bamboo floors, didn't you, woman?!  Bamboo floors!  You'd have thought a panda bear was living here!"