Watch Your Language!

Warning to Parents: The following may unsuitable for children's ears.  I don't ever remember hearing anything so disturbing.  "I am sooooo disturbed!"  Okay, brace yourselves: Did you folks catch the story about the demo smart phone that cussed out a 12-year-old boy at a friendly neighborhood store?  Is that sick or is that sick?!  Good thing I wasn't there or I would've let that phone have it.  "Let me at 'em!"  Yeah, I would've walked right up to that phone: "Right back at ya -- foul-mouthed phone!"  Yeah, sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but -- you know the rest... Words do hurt, though.  "Your mama's so --" How dare that daring phone.  "I'm gonna make you wash that dirty little mouth, phone!"  Bad, bad, phone.  Naughty phone.  "I want you to write 'I will not cuss at innocent children' 100 times -- and then I want you to apologize."  From what I understand, the poor kid underwent counseling after the traumatic experience.  "Doc, it was horrible..."  Can you blame him?  There the kid is, minding his own business, when he hears vocabulary that would make a sailor blush.  "Who said that?  Who?!"  The poor kid couldn't sleep for days, and neither did his parents.  "Wait 'til you hear from our lawyer!" (talk about a dirty word)  The worst part of this horrific experience? When the kid started asking questions... "Hey, Mom, what does '#@$%&*!' mean?"  Shameful...    

Lost and (Finally) Found

Did you hear about the man who found his wife's engagement ring   -- nearly 40 years later?!  Forty years!  Yeah, that's with the '4' in the tens place.  I can just see the guy scrambling around, looking for that ring all those years...  "I know I put it here somewhere."  I can only imagine the doghouse that poor guy was in.  "At least toss me a blanket, will ya?"  How sad... "Sleeping in the garage isn't so bad after awhile..."  Sigh... I'm glad I wasn't the one to break the news to his wife way back when...  "YOU LOST MY WHAT?!!!"  Hopefully, the guy was quick-thinking.  "Yeah, someone broke into the house while you were in the shower and all they took was your ring -- honest."  Yeah, I'm sure that worked. Here's a better one: "Honey,  a bunch of Russian spies raided the house, and you'll never guess what they took..."  Poor dope, I bet the last time the guy had a warm meal was when his wife fired a breakfast burrito into the microwave.  "You want a hot meal? -- Here's your hot meal!"  My guess is this careless guy was reminded daily about the long-lost ring. "How would you like it if I lost your favorite golf club, huh?  What if I lost all of your childhood baseball cards?!"  Look, I'm not saying that women can hold a grudge, but... women can hold a grudge.  With good reason, of course.  "How could you ever lose my engagement ring?  Please explain!" I just wish I could've been there when the poor sap made his discovery and his eyes welled with tears: "Honey, look what I found! -- your ring!"  His good wife surely turned to him and said: "Good, now you can go out and get me a bigger rock -- this one's so puny."  Oh...

"What a Pain in the --"

Folks, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but... I've got really bad news.  Maybe I shouldn't tell -- oh, I better get it over with...  So, where do I begin...?  Dear friends, it turns out a slice of Americana, of good ol' U.S. of A.  causes pain.  Great pain.  "What would Norman Rockwell think?"  It's a pain that can put you on your knees.  "Make it stop!  Make it go away!"  It's a pain that can strain even the best of relationships.  Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, here goes: Hotdogs cause headaches.  "Don't shoot! -- I'm just the messenger."  Yes, it's true -- if you believe the research.  Some very smart people have concluded that our beloved hot dogs are a pain in the cabeza ('head' for those who slept through Spanish).  "No wonder my medulla oblongata hurts every time I drive by the slaughterhouse."  Guys, do you realize what this means?  Do you really?  Let me help.  Next time you go to the ballpark, you're taking a huge risk by biting into one those big, juicy dogs.  People in the know will look at you with absolute horror: "Don't do it!  Don't eat that thing!" Fans seated around you won't be able to focus on the game as they'll be too busy watching you chew.   You'll be a huge distraction to the masses.  Riots will likely ensue. . . "Get him outta here!  Booo!  Booo!"  The kids will be scarred for life.  "Somebody call Child Services -- he bought his kid a hot dog!"  But that's not all, guys.  Let's say that you're disciplined enough to stay away from those hot dogs -- kids included -- but your spouse isn't... Think about it, guys... The ramifications are endless, with long-term effects on the human population.  I'm warning you guys.  I can already hear it: "Not tonight, honey... I ate a hot dog."   

Karaoke KO

On the eve of New Year's... uh, Eve, I'd like to take a moment to warn friends and family about a potential problem: Yes, Karaoke may be hazardous to one's health.  "You mean my tonsils?"  If you'll allow me, let me explain...  Maybe you have, maybe you haven't -- probably you haven't: Has anybody heard about the brawl that broke out over an innocent round of Karaoke?  Yes, that really happened.  People got hurt, bodies went flying everywhere... all because of a simple song. (No, I don't think it was a Willie Nelson tune.)  Playing the role of good Samaritan, I welcome this opportunity to warn all prospective karaoke singers as to what may happen if singing efforts are not up to snuff.  Simply put, you may get punched in the face by your harshest critics.  Pow!  Bam!  Slam!  "I've fallen and I can't get up!"  Isn't that sad?  Isn't that cruel?  My fellow Americans, is this what our great country's come to?  Here we -- uh, they are, trying to entertain, and instead of happy times, aspiring singers are being attacked on stage.  "Booooo!  Hisssss!" -- and that's just for starters!  Violence is taking over this great country of ours over the dumbest things.  (By the way, does anybody know if the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight is ever going to take place?)  Political pundits tell me there's talk of adding an amendment to our great Constitution: "All Karaoke singers are created equal."  Yes, anything to promote equality and curb the violence.  Please, please, all you wannabe singers out there, be careful. Especially tonight.  Have a safe and happy New Year, everybody, and whatever you do, don't sing off-key...

Lighten Up, Will Ya?

Some people have way too much time on their hands -- or mouths.  Did you all hear about that New Yorker who ate a light bulb in record time?  Huh?  Who has time for that?  What must his parents think...?  "Five years of college for this?!" Maybe Mr. All-You-Can-Eat" should dedicate his time to something more constructive -- like setting the table, helping the homeless, or working on that Honey-Do-List he's tried to avoid (not speaking from experience, okay?).  "When are you gonna pull those weeds?" Think about it, who has time to practice eating light bulbs?  "Can I have a taste?"  Here's something else to consider: what type of bulb does a person sit down to eat?  Halogen? Incandescent?  Strobe?! "Excuse me, what's that sticking out of your belly?"   I'd like to see this guy get past airport security...  "Step aside, sir... we'll have to check for filaments."  Ouch...  Why, I bet Thomas Edison's rolling over in his grave.  "I never thought I'd have to add salt to any of my inventions..."  Now, just as I'm trying to digest this very disturbing light bulb news, I read about a woman who had a pen lodged in her tummy for 25 years!  What?!  (I don't even want to consider how it got there.)  Hello?  Does anybody believe in nutritious diets anymore?! 

"Me So Corny..."

They sure don't make thieves like they used to.  Look, I don't condone their actions, but today's thieves just don't realize the time and preparation that it takes to execute a successful robbery (Call my agent if you have issues with what you're about to read).  Exhibit A: a couple of  'smart' guys thought they'd pulled off the greatest train robbery in recent memory. "Yeah, we scored!"  Okay, but then they discovered their loot -- a train full of corn.  Corn!  A sea of corn, as far as the eyes can see.  "I've never seen so many ears!"  I can just hear those dorks:  "I thought you said 'Coin!'"  No, not coin -- corn!  The train was packed with corn, folks.  Talk about not being prepared.  These guys didn't do their homework -- now look at the results.  "What are we going to do with all this corn?"  Good question.  "Want to make some tortillas?"  Oh, they'll have to do better than that; otherwise, they'll have a house full of corn for the next ten years.  "Honey, when are you going to clean out the garage?"  There must be something they can do with all that corn, right?  "How 'bout corn on the cob?  Corn bread?  Corn casserole?  Enough already!  "Scalloped corn?  Baked corn?  Corn pudding?"  Unbelievable... That's what those lawless lunatics get for being so dumb.  "You didn't want to listen to me.  You didn't want to rob a bank instead."  If nothing else, those guys should stop complaining and try to stay positive.  "Man, I gotta see a doctor.  These corns are killing me."  Not exactly what I had in mind...

Gone, But Not Forgotten

I feel bad for telephone booths.  Really bad.  They're going the way of the dinosaur.  We hardly see them anymore.  "Hey, where'd all you guys go?"  Aficionados of the glass-encased booths can thank cell phones for that.  "Thank you -- not!"  Just about everybody has a cell phone these days.  "What's a phone booth, Daddy...?"  Come to think of it, the lack of phone booths really complicate matters for one of America's favorite superheroes.  That's right, our very own Superman.  Stop what you're doing and consider his dilemma for a brief moment: Superman gets a call to an emergency, right?  Guess what he has to worry about first:  "Hey, I can't find a place to change!"  Did you hear that? -- he doesn't have a place to change!  All the phone booths are gone!  "What am I supposed to do, undress in broad daylight?!"  Poor guy... Should Superman go knocking door-to-door in hopes of  finding a place to put on his cape?  Ding dong: "Excuse me, ma'am?  May I borrow your bathroom for just a minute? --  I need to put on my tights."  Huh?  The big guy will be lucky not to get arrested.  "Help!  There's a perv on my property!"  By the time he's finished explaining, Superman will be late for the next emergency.  Before you know it, the masses will lose faith in him.  They'll turn elsewhere.  "Quick -- somebody call The Incredibles!"  As you can see, it's not so easy finding a place to slip into a superhero's outfit.   Next time you're walking around the neighborhood, I challenge you to knock on a neighbor's door, smile,  and ask: "Hi.  May I come in your house and change? -- I couldn't find any bushes.  Nor a phone booth."