"Wanna Be My Friend?"

Mike Tyson, is not alone.  As you may all remember, there was a time when the former champ had a thing for ears (ink to the face came years later).  "My, what juicy ears you have..."  Well, along with Girl Scout cookies, I'm pleased to announce that a certain thing for ears isn't going away any time soon.  Not too long ago, I put my own "orejas" to good use and heard about a guy who had nothing better to do.  So, instead of going out and feeding the homeless -- or helping the elderly -- he used his time and energy elsewhere.  That's right, the guy went out and bit off a buddy's ear  -- over a gambling argument.  "With friends like that..."  Ouch!  At the cost of some cartilage, I'd like to put a positive spin on the unfortunate incident.  Yes, I'll try to turn this into a teachable moment (maybe I'll be an educator in another lifetime).  Be sure to take notes, boys and girls: 1.) Think twice before you gamble.  "I bet ya anything I can get a date with Kate Upton before you can..."  2.) Cover your ears with duct tape if you're going to upset a friend.  "That hurts, ya know?"  And 3.) Be sure to know what you're going to do with the ear once it stops bouncing around and settles in a pool of blood... "I'm not going to pick that up! -- You pick it up! -- you did it!!!"  Oh, and whatever you do, folks, don't share these succulent ear stories with Mom -- especially if you're Mexican.  Before you know it, she'll be hard at work in the kitchen...  "Anybody want menudo?"

"What's in the bag?"

Did you hear about the high school student who attacked an assistant principal over a bag of chips?  "You're not getting back these -- Ugh!  My solar plexus!"  It's true, ladies and gentlemen.  The incident happened somewhere in Ohio.  "That's in Canada, right?"  Not the last time I checked... It's no wonder so many people want out of the Midwest... "Our minors are not allowed to eat chips without a license."   Obviously, Ohio's a very strict state.  And from what my sources tell me, there's not much to do there, either.  "We know how to have plenty of fun."   Sorry, but football in the frozen tundra and watching things rust aren't enough.  Then again, there's always the opportunity to fight over a bag of chips... "That bag of sodium's mine!"  Even though I believe in our Constitution and the Freedom to Stuff Face, I have to side with the school administrator on this one.  "Why's that?"  Well, surely the school's trying to promote healthy eating... "How 'bout a celery stick instead?"  It's a shame today's youths have to resort to such measures when they get the munchies.  "Give me back my chips!"  I guarantee you, someday this kid's going to return to school and thank the assistant principal... "Thank you."  I can already hear it.  "Hey, guess what?  I don't eat junk food anymore.  Nope.  I turned to cigarettes instea -- Hey, give me back my smokes!" Oh boy... 

"Want That With Cheese?"

Hello, can anybody hear me?  Hello?  Yes, did anybody catch how local police were able to lure a naked man from a downtown radio tower?  "Really?  Give us the details, please."  Okay, but only because you said please.  "You sure the guy was wearing his birthday suit?"  Why would I lie?  Here's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the naked truth:  "Pinky swear?"  It seems the cops convinced this nut job (bad choice of words) to leave his perch by way of a sophisticated ploy:  "James Bond would be so proud."  That's right, they fed him hamburgers.  "Are you serious?"  Yup, that's all it took.  And that got me to thinking that maybe I should try something similar with my own kids.    While they don't climb radio towers in their undies, my kids need the occasional 'motivator' to help around the house.  "Clean your room!"  Nothing... "Clean up after the dog!"  Zero... "Fold some clothes!"  Zippo...   Frankly, my wife and I ran out of ideas on getting the kids to help with chores  -- "We're gonna tell Santa!" -- until now.  From here on out, I'll bribe them with fat, juicy hamburgers.  "But is that healthy?"  Hey, I'll try anything if it guarantees a trace of cooperation from our 'delightful' teens.  "Can't mow the lawn, Dad."   What?  It can't be.  Why not?  "You forgot the ketchup."  Oh...  "And a toy."

"Open Up In There!"

There are some sick stories out there, some sicker than others.  "I think I'm gonna be sick."  Now, what I'm about to share with you is yucky sick, but that's my job, to share.  Pinch your nose, grab a bag  -- and away we go:  A grandma spent time in Florida for 17 years.  Why's this news?  What's the big deal?  "But there's a lot of Grandmas in the Sunshine State."  Grandma was in Florida all right  -- in a Florida storage unit!  "What did you just say?"  Come on now,  an actual storage unit!  "You mean one of those things you stuff with all your junk that you're never going to need again?"  I should stop... but I won't.  I've heard of holding onto family, but this is too much.  Way too much.  "Let's go visit grandma."  Wow... "Let's go visit Grandma on the way home."  Yeah, and then what?  Do you take her flowers or a shiny new padlock?  "A combo lock should do..."  What was her family thinking?  "Hey Pop, the monthly fee's not bad..."  Please, every grandma deserves so much better, a respectable resting place for all eternity...  "Is there a light in here?"  The risks this family took are far too numerous to mention, so I'll mention one: What if the family had fallen behind on payments, what if the unit had gone up for auction?  Imagine that scene: "Going once, going twice..." Uh, better make that, "Going, going, GONE!"

"It's a boy -- girl -- don't forget to turn!"

I'd like to share some information with you: As some of you may know -- maybe all of you are aware -- we live in the Information Age.  That means, information comes flooding in from the unlikeliest  of places sometimes.  "People don't want to see that!"  Don't think so?  How about the husband who recorded his wife delivering their baby... while driving to the hospital... (talk about multi-tasking)  "Honey, this isn't my best side."  Come on, expectant daddy, was that really necessary?  "Would you keep your eyes on the road! -- and paws on the steering wheel!" With that reckless attitude, it's a miracle parents and baby made it  to the hospital in one piece.  "Not too smart, Mister."  I wouldn't be surprised if in the middle of all the chaos, the guy  identified the placenta as an airbag.   "How do I put this thing back?"  Unbelievable.  Daddy Driver should've had his license revoked if you ask me... "We won't ask you."  He's lucky an unforgiving cop didn't pull him over.  "I gotta call Sarge about this..."  That's the problem with our society today, everybody wants to be the next Spielberg -- regardless of what the DMV may think.  "I think you missed a red light."  I'm just glad my teen daughter -- a newbie driver -- didn't witness the scene.  I don't know what she would've done... "What in the world..."  She could've been traumatized for life.  "I don't ever, ever want to drive again, Daddy... And I'm not gonna let boys near me!"  :)

Cuddle Night!

Ladies, I'm here to help.  I recommend that you read the following at your earliest convenience.  What you're about to peruse (yes, I got a new thesaurus) brings  whole new meaning to 'sleep-overs.'  Did you all hear about the guy who broke into a woman's house... to cuddle?! (There's a positive in all this, I promise.) Yes, cuddle... "Night-night."  What was this guy thinking? "Let's see, should I steal all these valuable jewels... or spoon?"  Excuse my tiny brain, ladies, but what I want to know is this: What's the appropriate attire to pull off such a stunt -- black ski mask, leather gloves -- footsie pajamas?  "I shoulda' brought my teddy bear..."  Imagine if you're the victim: You wake up one morning,  you roll over and you find a total stranger breathing on you... "Where am I?  What  did I do?  Did I just -- ?!"  But wait just a moment, ladies.  Hold on to your immaculate reputations -- it's not your fault!  Blame it on that bum who decided to sneak in in the first place.  "What will my parents think?  My friends at church!  What do I do next?!"  Do you call the cops?  Grab a bat?   Exchange phone numbers?  "Mornin'."  Again, stop blaming yourself, okay?  It'll all work out... Simply put, you turn the tables on the guy.  Kick him out of bed and put him to work: "I like my eggs sunny-side up -- and freshly squeezed orange juice."   Told you there's a positive in all this... "And bring me the morning paper, will ya?"

Don't Falter at the Altar...

There's big news in our household -- and NO, it has nothing to do with the stork.  Actually, our younger son is now an honest-to-goodness altar boy.  Honest (No, he doesn't wear flip-flops and shorts underneath).  I'd say this puts our family in good stead with The Man Upstairs, right?  "I'm watching you..." Great, now that I'm the proud papa of an altar boy, I'll have to really be on my best behavior just about all the time.  "Waddya mean I can't chew gum during mass?"  Not only that, I can't be yelling or screaming like a crazed mad man -- "Mama mia!" -- during ballgames, either.  But let's not lose sight, it's not about me, okay?  See, there's a lot of pressure on my kid up on that altar, if you ask me... "Can I ask you something?"  (Inquiring minds want to know, I guess.) Think about this: What if the poor kid drops a lit candle?  "Everybody run for the exits!"  And that Bible he delivers to the priest, it looks pretty heavy, too... "I don't care if you have a hernia -- don't drop it!"  One another thing: What if my kid dozes off in front of all those people? (I'm afraid he took after his mom.) Zzzzzzzzz... "Psssssst, wake up, son.  Wake up!"  On the bright side, it'll all be worth it.  For sure, I'm sure.  See, my boy will be able to put in a good word for our favorite sports teams... "Hey, tell Him to get the Lakers a point guard that can actually guard.  Yeah, and for the Dodgers, see if He can find us an owner that actually owns some cash.  "I'll see what I can do..."  Thank God...