What's that in dog years?

I'm not the jealous type... usually.  But then it happened.  Some very reliable sources other than TMZ (my wife and kids) told me a neighborhood dog was recently serenaded with "Happy Birthday."   What?!  What makes that canine so special?  Does he know any "Knock-Knock" jokes?  Does he put food on the table?  Right then  and there, I was consumed with fits of jealousy.  "Oh yeah, dog?! -- At least I don't have fleas! -- And I know how to use a knife and fork!"  You see, my birthday's coming up and -- "Somebody sing to me!  -- Anybody!"  Sorry, I'm a bit sensitive this team of year.  You see, it's been ages since anyone sang  the birthday song to me and -- Wait a minute, if all it takes is a stupid pet trick... I can roll over, I'm willing to chase after an annoying cat or  three.  Heck, I'll even dress up in one of those dopey dog sweaters if I have to.  "Does this make me look fat?"  Why, I'll even take part in training sessions with that Dog Whisperer guy.  "What happened to the singing?!"  When I was a little boy, my parents always celebrated my birthday, capped off by the traditional birthday song.  Boy, those were great times.  And I'd like to relive those moments...  every year.  "Mommy, help me with my birthday candles."  (Excuse me while I wipe away some tears.) Nothing wrong with craving the role of Birthday Boy, right?  At any age.  So, I don't think I'm being unreasonable to ask for a little a cappella alongside my cake and ice cream.  "Hey you, Mister, come over here.  How do you feel about singing to a grown man?"

Ship's Ahoy!

After spending the day boat paddling at a local lake, I've come to a logical conclusion: It's time to invest in a yacht.  Yes, I'll travel the Seven Seas and write about my many adventures.  "Uh, we can't afford it, honey."  Bull pucky.  I'll borrow money from Frank McCourt if I have to.  He's got lots of dough, right?  "I'm sorry, you have me mistaken for Mark Cuban."  Beside, where's it written that the kids have to eat everyday?  The human body needs fluids way before it ever needs food, right? -- "Give 'em water!"  I'm gonna get me a boat!  I'm gonna get me a BIG boat!  And I can't wait!  I'll get me a captain's hat, a fishing pole a  -- "You get sea sick."  I do not, that was the rollercoaster.   I'll write home to the family every week and try my best not to get stranded on a deserted island with a bunch of goofy characters...  "Hi, my name's Gilligan, and this here's the Professor."  Yes, my latest venture's going to work out well.  And just in case I do get stuck on an island all by my lonesome, I'll try my best not to start talking to volleyballs either (I much prefer baseballs).  "Why don't you answer me, you stupid sphere?!  Talk to me!"  Yachting is going to be so much fun.  I'll hang out with rich people, sip champagne all day long.  Why, I'll even talk with a fancy accent: "Oui! Oui! We're low on caviar." Once on my yacht, I'll be especially careful not to crash into any foreign objects either.  "Uh, Captain, that was no ice cube we just struck."  Huh?  Where have I heard that one before? 

Giddyup!

Now that I have a moment to think (don't get too used to it), I figure it must be rough being a racehorse; someone's riding your back all the time.  "Alright already, I'm going as fast as I can!"  It's like having a boss that's constantly on your tail.  "Let me breathe, will ya?!"  People don't dedicate enough time to consider the drawbacks of being a racehorse (they're too busy focusing on guys named Weiner).  Imagine having to go through life hearing taunts like: "Hey you -- horse face!"  That's just as cruel as: "Buddy, your choppers are the size of horse teeth!"  Talk about mean and insensitive...  I don't know about you guys, but being swarmed by flies must be pretty annoying, too.  "Stop bugging -- you're worse than the paparazzi!"  And what about having to wear those annoying blinders all the time: "I wasn't staring at that mare, honey -- I swear!"  (The least someone could do is make a stylish designer pair.) Yeah, racehorses have it pretty tough, getting whipped all the time, having those long, goofy names... And good luck to those poor horses that  break a leg.  "Come on, Doc, can't you put a cast on it or somethin'?"  Being expected to win every race is a lot of pressure for a horse.  I mean, I wouldn't want to be in a position to disappoint anyone.  Especially a guy named Guido. "Why's only my head on this bed?!"  I don't know, there's gotta be some benefits to being a racehorse, right?  Wait a minute, some of those four-legged critters are put out to stud, right?   That doesn't sound like such a bad gig... "Hey, pretty lady, you come to this barn often?"

Eye Spy

Why anyone wears contact lenses voluntarily is beyond my comprehension.  "Why do you do this to yourself?"  I guess there's that segment of  the population that prefers looking like zombies with those fake colored lenses.  "You look great."  Liars!!!  As far as I'm concerned, contacts fall under "cruel and unusual punishment."  I should know.  I've HAD to wear hard lenses for many, many years.  "But why, Doc?"  Well, after much research and countless interviews, I've come to the only logical conclusion: There's a conspiracy aimed against me by clandestine government forces.  "I am not a spy!" Why else would I be getting tortured?  "There's nothing to confess!  I know nothing-- I swear!"  (just ask my math teachers) Call me paranoid but I just know my optometrist is in on the scheme.  "You've got the wrong guy!"  Somehow, these sinister souls think I'm going to confess to stealing classified information every time I stick those needles for lenses into my poor little eyes.  "Dry eye!  Dry eye!  It's like sandpaper!"  And that's before allergy season.  Holy moly, what a horrible way to start off  the morning (other than tuning in to Rick Dees).  You should see how I drive when I'm struggling with contacts.  "Everybody outta the way!"  Before I know it, flashing red lights fill my rear-view mirror.  "Step out of the car, please."  Awkward...  "Officer, I can explain.  Really."  Thanks to contacts, my eyes are always red.  (No wonder people are always snickering behind my back.)  "My eyes appear bloodshot because of my contacts!  Ya gotta believe me!"  (What happened to "innocent 'til proven guilty"?)  People are so quick to judge.  "Why don't you wear glasses?"  Are you crazy?-- at the risk of being called "four eyes?"  No way!  Next thing you know, I'd be accused of looking half-way intelligent.  "Yup, you sure do have the wrong guy!"

Price Check, Please!

Sorry, but I don't use the self-checkout line at the supermarket anymore.  I just don't and won't.  And here's why: I end up needing help anyway!  "How do I work this darn thing?!"  Call me dumb (I rather you didn't) but I don't know how to use those fancy thingamajig scanners.  "Somebody help me, please!  Anybody!"  I've tried, believe me, but I just can't get the hang of it.  "How do I ring up these squash?!-- and what about this cow tongue?!"    I remember vividly the first time I approached the do-it-yourself machine: "Good morning," I said. "Good morning to you, too," I said right back as I turned to face myself (you have to be quick on your feet).  People looked at me like I was some sort of nut.  Like I was some sort of lunatic.  I didn't like that, people looking at me all weird.  (Maybe it was the name tag and apron I put on as I struggled with the celery sticks.)  Another thing I didn't like was having to round up all those carts in the parking lot.  "Hey, this is a lot of work, here!" The last time I attempted to use the self-checkout, I got really frustrated with some fruit.  "I'm supposed to scan each grape in the bunch, right?"  Call me old fashioned but I think we all need a little human interaction every once in awhile.  I think it's healthy to want to have a friendly face smiling at me as I pay for my groceries.  "Would you like to donate a dollar to I.Q. research, sir?"  Boy, I sure wish this cashier would just go away... "Leave me alone!"

Camping Anyone?

I'm thinking of surprising my wife and kids with a camping trip this summer.  "Hey guys, let's do something different."  Why not?  I can be the outdoorsy type when I want to be.  Heck, I mow the lawn all the time.  "Don't forget your allergy pill!"   Yeah, I can be the second coming of Johnny Appleseed and Daniel Boone without a hitch.  "Hey, who took my Coonskin cap?!" Yeah, I've slept outdoors dozens of times, sometimes by choice. "-- And stay out!"  (It's awfully nice of the dog to leave a spot for me.) From what I understand, bears have moved out of state, so what's there to be afraid of?  "Spider...!  Spider...!"  Also, air conditioning is now available at all national parks, right? "Leave the temperature at 75..." Yeah, I feel like "roughin' it" for a few days, living off the land.  "This is how the pioneers lived, kids."  Yeah, I'm pretty sure my wife and daughter will have a good time, too.  "Waddya mean there's no five-star hotel?!"  I can't wait to go camping, it's going to be a blast...  I'll take the boys fishing with me, go possum hunting... "Dad, what about my Xbox?!"  Yeah, we're going to have the best time of our lives... "Sweetheart, where's the bedet?"  Who needs a crowded tourist spot like Hawaii when we have the great outdoors at our fingertips... "Don't forget the bug repellant?"  Wait a minute, are you telling me there's bugs out there?  "Big as a house."  The kind that bite every nook and cranny of the human anatomy?!  "Uh... guys, why don't we go to Disneyland instead...?"

Where's My Prize?

I'm really proud of myself.  No, not for saving someone from a burning building, or anything like that.  No, I'm actually really proud of myself for a successful visit to the dentist a few days ago.  "No cavities.  No bleeding gums. " Yay!  And, no, I wasn't scared.  Not one bit.  "Why are you so pale, sir?" But now that I've had time to reflect, why didn't I get a sticker?-- or  a balloon?  "Sir, are you shaking?"  I don't get it; I was a model patient.  "Go ask the dentist."  I didn't bite, I didn't gag, I didn't even cry (well, at least not that I recall).  You know, I'm starting to smell age discrimination.  "You're gonna hear from my lawyers!" Nowhere in that dental office did I see an age limit on prizes.  Nowhere.  I'll have to file a protest on my next visit.  "Maybe you should complain AFTER the dentist sees you."  In the meantime, I'll continue to practice good dental hygiene everywhere I go.  "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President."  (I still say the Secret Service overreacted on my recent visit to the White House.) "The guy's got a weapon!"  No, actually it was my electric toothbrush...  "Uh, sorry about that, Mister..."