"Open Up In There!"

There are some sick stories out there, some sicker than others.  "I think I'm gonna be sick."  Now, what I'm about to share with you is yucky sick, but that's my job, to share.  Pinch your nose, grab a bag  -- and away we go:  A grandma spent time in Florida for 17 years.  Why's this news?  What's the big deal?  "But there's a lot of Grandmas in the Sunshine State."  Grandma was in Florida all right  -- in a Florida storage unit!  "What did you just say?"  Come on now,  an actual storage unit!  "You mean one of those things you stuff with all your junk that you're never going to need again?"  I should stop... but I won't.  I've heard of holding onto family, but this is too much.  Way too much.  "Let's go visit grandma."  Wow... "Let's go visit Grandma on the way home."  Yeah, and then what?  Do you take her flowers or a shiny new padlock?  "A combo lock should do..."  What was her family thinking?  "Hey Pop, the monthly fee's not bad..."  Please, every grandma deserves so much better, a respectable resting place for all eternity...  "Is there a light in here?"  The risks this family took are far too numerous to mention, so I'll mention one: What if the family had fallen behind on payments, what if the unit had gone up for auction?  Imagine that scene: "Going once, going twice..." Uh, better make that, "Going, going, GONE!"

"It's a boy -- girl -- don't forget to turn!"

I'd like to share some information with you: As some of you may know -- maybe all of you are aware -- we live in the Information Age.  That means, information comes flooding in from the unlikeliest  of places sometimes.  "People don't want to see that!"  Don't think so?  How about the husband who recorded his wife delivering their baby... while driving to the hospital... (talk about multi-tasking)  "Honey, this isn't my best side."  Come on, expectant daddy, was that really necessary?  "Would you keep your eyes on the road! -- and paws on the steering wheel!" With that reckless attitude, it's a miracle parents and baby made it  to the hospital in one piece.  "Not too smart, Mister."  I wouldn't be surprised if in the middle of all the chaos, the guy  identified the placenta as an airbag.   "How do I put this thing back?"  Unbelievable.  Daddy Driver should've had his license revoked if you ask me... "We won't ask you."  He's lucky an unforgiving cop didn't pull him over.  "I gotta call Sarge about this..."  That's the problem with our society today, everybody wants to be the next Spielberg -- regardless of what the DMV may think.  "I think you missed a red light."  I'm just glad my teen daughter -- a newbie driver -- didn't witness the scene.  I don't know what she would've done... "What in the world..."  She could've been traumatized for life.  "I don't ever, ever want to drive again, Daddy... And I'm not gonna let boys near me!"  :)

Cuddle Night!

Ladies, I'm here to help.  I recommend that you read the following at your earliest convenience.  What you're about to peruse (yes, I got a new thesaurus) brings  whole new meaning to 'sleep-overs.'  Did you all hear about the guy who broke into a woman's house... to cuddle?! (There's a positive in all this, I promise.) Yes, cuddle... "Night-night."  What was this guy thinking? "Let's see, should I steal all these valuable jewels... or spoon?"  Excuse my tiny brain, ladies, but what I want to know is this: What's the appropriate attire to pull off such a stunt -- black ski mask, leather gloves -- footsie pajamas?  "I shoulda' brought my teddy bear..."  Imagine if you're the victim: You wake up one morning,  you roll over and you find a total stranger breathing on you... "Where am I?  What  did I do?  Did I just -- ?!"  But wait just a moment, ladies.  Hold on to your immaculate reputations -- it's not your fault!  Blame it on that bum who decided to sneak in in the first place.  "What will my parents think?  My friends at church!  What do I do next?!"  Do you call the cops?  Grab a bat?   Exchange phone numbers?  "Mornin'."  Again, stop blaming yourself, okay?  It'll all work out... Simply put, you turn the tables on the guy.  Kick him out of bed and put him to work: "I like my eggs sunny-side up -- and freshly squeezed orange juice."   Told you there's a positive in all this... "And bring me the morning paper, will ya?"

Don't Falter at the Altar...

There's big news in our household -- and NO, it has nothing to do with the stork.  Actually, our younger son is now an honest-to-goodness altar boy.  Honest (No, he doesn't wear flip-flops and shorts underneath).  I'd say this puts our family in good stead with The Man Upstairs, right?  "I'm watching you..." Great, now that I'm the proud papa of an altar boy, I'll have to really be on my best behavior just about all the time.  "Waddya mean I can't chew gum during mass?"  Not only that, I can't be yelling or screaming like a crazed mad man -- "Mama mia!" -- during ballgames, either.  But let's not lose sight, it's not about me, okay?  See, there's a lot of pressure on my kid up on that altar, if you ask me... "Can I ask you something?"  (Inquiring minds want to know, I guess.) Think about this: What if the poor kid drops a lit candle?  "Everybody run for the exits!"  And that Bible he delivers to the priest, it looks pretty heavy, too... "I don't care if you have a hernia -- don't drop it!"  One another thing: What if my kid dozes off in front of all those people? (I'm afraid he took after his mom.) Zzzzzzzzz... "Psssssst, wake up, son.  Wake up!"  On the bright side, it'll all be worth it.  For sure, I'm sure.  See, my boy will be able to put in a good word for our favorite sports teams... "Hey, tell Him to get the Lakers a point guard that can actually guard.  Yeah, and for the Dodgers, see if He can find us an owner that actually owns some cash.  "I'll see what I can do..."  Thank God... 

Can't Bare the Thought

I'm the first to admit that shopping's not my thing.  I pretty much have my wife run that department.  "Darling, I'm low on Fruit of the Looms..."  Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm willing to set foot in a clothing store IF a really great sale's involved -- and under certain conditions.  Like being allowed to wear clothes while shopping.  "Aren't you cold?"  Here's what I'm talking about: Not too long ago, a Spanish store (Yes, where ol' Chris Columbus set sail en route to the New World.) came up with a creative way to rack up sales -- and curious onlookers.  "What the -- ?"  Keep in mind, I'm just the messenger: One of Spain's fine department stores had shoppers stand in line in mere undergarments in exchange for a shot at free clothes.  Yes, in line, in calzones.  "What is this, a Calvin Klein convention?"  Those crazy Spaniards, did Picasso's work affect them that much?  Sure looks like it... I mean, scores of  men and women braved the elements in next to nothing with hopes of getting some free clothes.  "Where'd I put my wallet?"  Call me a prude, but do you know what I say to that depraved act?  "No, gracias."  No way I'd ever expose my Pectoralis major in a long line of complete strangers.  "You shop here often?"  No way, okay!?  "Hey, cool tan line..."  Simply put, I have some principles, some morals.  Oh, and a fear of pneumonia... 

Watch Your Language!

Warning to Parents: The following may unsuitable for children's ears.  I don't ever remember hearing anything so disturbing.  "I am sooooo disturbed!"  Okay, brace yourselves: Did you folks catch the story about the demo smart phone that cussed out a 12-year-old boy at a friendly neighborhood store?  Is that sick or is that sick?!  Good thing I wasn't there or I would've let that phone have it.  "Let me at 'em!"  Yeah, I would've walked right up to that phone: "Right back at ya -- foul-mouthed phone!"  Yeah, sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but -- you know the rest... Words do hurt, though.  "Your mama's so --" How dare that daring phone.  "I'm gonna make you wash that dirty little mouth, phone!"  Bad, bad, phone.  Naughty phone.  "I want you to write 'I will not cuss at innocent children' 100 times -- and then I want you to apologize."  From what I understand, the poor kid underwent counseling after the traumatic experience.  "Doc, it was horrible..."  Can you blame him?  There the kid is, minding his own business, when he hears vocabulary that would make a sailor blush.  "Who said that?  Who?!"  The poor kid couldn't sleep for days, and neither did his parents.  "Wait 'til you hear from our lawyer!" (talk about a dirty word)  The worst part of this horrific experience? When the kid started asking questions... "Hey, Mom, what does '#@$%&*!' mean?"  Shameful...    

Lost and (Finally) Found

Did you hear about the man who found his wife's engagement ring   -- nearly 40 years later?!  Forty years!  Yeah, that's with the '4' in the tens place.  I can just see the guy scrambling around, looking for that ring all those years...  "I know I put it here somewhere."  I can only imagine the doghouse that poor guy was in.  "At least toss me a blanket, will ya?"  How sad... "Sleeping in the garage isn't so bad after awhile..."  Sigh... I'm glad I wasn't the one to break the news to his wife way back when...  "YOU LOST MY WHAT?!!!"  Hopefully, the guy was quick-thinking.  "Yeah, someone broke into the house while you were in the shower and all they took was your ring -- honest."  Yeah, I'm sure that worked. Here's a better one: "Honey,  a bunch of Russian spies raided the house, and you'll never guess what they took..."  Poor dope, I bet the last time the guy had a warm meal was when his wife fired a breakfast burrito into the microwave.  "You want a hot meal? -- Here's your hot meal!"  My guess is this careless guy was reminded daily about the long-lost ring. "How would you like it if I lost your favorite golf club, huh?  What if I lost all of your childhood baseball cards?!"  Look, I'm not saying that women can hold a grudge, but... women can hold a grudge.  With good reason, of course.  "How could you ever lose my engagement ring?  Please explain!" I just wish I could've been there when the poor sap made his discovery and his eyes welled with tears: "Honey, look what I found! -- your ring!"  His good wife surely turned to him and said: "Good, now you can go out and get me a bigger rock -- this one's so puny."  Oh...