Happy Halloween! -- for those that could afford it. Like the Lakers' Kobe Bryant, for example... "You think he gives out the good candy?" He should. Coming up he's going to get paid 24 million buckaroos -- in a single payment. "That's not bad..." I just wonder if that comes in the form of a check, an automatic deposit, or one of those shiny pay cards my credit union wants to sucker me into... "Talk about a post-Halloween treat!" Yeah... I wouldn't mind a portion of that check. Maybe then I could get some new tires for the family van. "It probably needs a wheel alignment..." Maybe... "And a new battery." Okay... "And don't forget about that broken motor mount on your car, too -- not to mention the suspect steering wheel you've had for awhile... " Gee, thanks for reminding me... Which also brings to mind the shoes I wear. They could use a tuneup... "So that's what those are -- I'd send them to the scrap heap." You're too kind... "Oh, and don't dismiss the paint job needed on the house trim..." I already took care of that. "Not that one spot up on the roof..." Hey, our beloved homeowners association can wait --no way I'm climbing up top to keep them happy... "What, are you scared? Afraid you'll come tumbling down, never to be put back together again?" Now that you mention it, yes! I'm not going to risk life and limb just for them -- I dare the Board to fine me. Put a lien on the house for all I care! "Then there's the master bath your buddy wreaked havoc on. That could use some work..." With friends like that... "Maybe you can hire one of those subcontractors that hang out all day at Home Depot. Their rates are reasonable..." No thanks. All I need is for some guy named Jesus to get seriously hurt, sue me, and end up owner of my humble home. I won't allow it! Never ever ever! "You, you wouldn't welcome Jesus Christ into your family home? What sub species are you?!" I said Jesus -- not Jesus! "I got it -- you know what you need to do?" Beside hacking into Kobe Bryant's bank account? "Hey, that's not fair -- you took the words right out of my mouth! You're always stealing my ideas!"
I'm so proud of myself... "Somebody has to be..." The other day, I did something incredibly wonderful for my son... "We'll be the judge of that..." Yes, I reattached a hand. "Oh god, poor kid! What happened? Did an alligator grab hold of him? A crocodile?! -- how do you tell the two apart?" Relax, it was nothing like that... "I didn't know you were a surgeon. Did you take online courses? Do you ever gag in the operating room?" Well, no, actually, I -- "You think you could do some slicing and dicing, take a few inches off my waist?" Just to clarify, I reattached a bobblehead's hand. Not my my kid's... "A what?" You know, those collectible figures with big heads that bobble back and forth... "Are you sure you're not talking about Hollywood celebrities at a sobriety checkpoint?" The bobblehead's hand broke off one day, so I used a type of super, super glue and it worked... I should know -- that little hand got stuck to my hand! For awhile there, I had an extra digit... I pulled and tugged and nothing happened. I was convinced I'd have to have it surgically removed... "The bobblehead's hand, you mean..." Yes. Anyway, my son was so proud of me when I fixed the bobblehead -- it was all worth it. I've never seen him so happy... "I have -- whenever you're not home." This all reminds me of when I worked on model cars and airplanes as a kid. Admittedly, I'd get upset trying to hold the tiny parts with my fingers... "Did you ever consider tweezers?" And I always ended up with all these extra parts that I didn't know what to do with... "I'm glad you're not my surgeon -- you have anger issues." I wasn't very patient as a kid, as you can tell... "Oh, there's a lot I can tell, believe me..." Can we talk more about this later? I find it therapeutic to talk about my childhood hobbies... "Uh, much later." Great. How about tomorrow, right around this time... "Oooh, I can't wait -- actually, I can, for a very long time..." So what are you saying? "Don't call me, I'll call you..."
"Hey, buddy, what's wrong?" I'm sad. Really, really sad... "Oh, but don't be. You should be accepting of your appearance by now..." Friends and family, I don't know about you, but it saddens me to know that there are only 1.75 billion to 3.25 billion years left on Earth. "Well, that narrows it..." And that's too bad because this human civilization thing was doing pretty good, too -- other than trivial stuff like the threat of nuclear war and bio-terrorism... "No worries, all that's overrated anyway..." I don't know about the rest of you guys, but this news puts a lot of pressure on me to work on my Things to Do Before the World Ends List before... you know... "Before Earth ceases to exist?" Yeah, I mean, I have so much I want to accomplish, so much I want to do before the Apocalypse. "So then what are you waiting for? Move it! Move it! Move it!" Okay, I will! Yeah, for starters, I want to memorize the names of all of Angelina Jolie's kids... Yeah, and I want to be able to rattle off the list of JLo's ex-husbands and boyfriends without a cheat sheet. "Good luck on that one..." And here's another troublesome thought about the Earth's demise in the next few billion years: the Chicago Cubs may not have enough time to win another World Series before then... "Oh, those poor, poor Cubbies -- blame it on the billy goat. Not Mother Earth." Speaking of Chicago, I don't know if I ever told you guys, but I was born in Chicago... "Please, you'll ruin Al Capone's reputation..." You know, when you stop and think -- "Not me, not while I'm awake" -- there's really not much time left for Earth. And that's going to affect a lot of family's lives. "You really think so?" Take the Kardashians, for example. "Nah, you can have 'em." This doesn't give a guy like Rob Kardashian much of a chance to find a job... "Just when he was getting motivated, too..." And Bruce Jenner, he won't be able to get all the work done on his face as currently scheduled. "That would be a tragedy..." Now, closer to home, the clock's ticking away as my wife tries to wear all the shoes she has under the bed before Earth goes kaputz. "Wow, now that you put it in those terms, 3.25 billion years is no time at all!"
