Do Not Destroy

"Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"  I'm sad.  Really, really sad...  "Oh, but don't be.  You should be accepting of your appearance by now..."  Friends and family, I don't know about you, but it saddens me to know that there are only 1.75 billion to 3.25 billion years left on Earth.  "Well, that narrows it..."  And that's too bad because this human civilization thing was doing pretty good, too -- other than trivial stuff like the threat of nuclear war and bio-terrorism... "No worries, all that's overrated anyway..."  I don't know about the rest of you guys, but this news puts a lot of pressure on me to work on my Things to Do Before the World Ends List before... you know...  "Before Earth ceases to exist?"  Yeah, I mean, I have so much I want to accomplish, so much I want to do before the Apocalypse.  "So then what are you waiting for?  Move it!  Move it!  Move it!"    Okay, I will!   Yeah, for starters, I want to memorize the names of all of Angelina Jolie's kids...  Yeah, and I want to be able to rattle off the list of JLo's  ex-husbands and boyfriends without a cheat sheet.  "Good luck on that one..."  And  here's another troublesome thought about the Earth's demise in the next few billion years: the Chicago Cubs may not have enough time to win another World Series before then...  "Oh, those poor, poor Cubbies -- blame it on the billy goat.  Not Mother Earth."  Speaking of Chicago, I don't know if I ever told you guys, but I was born in Chicago... "Please, you'll ruin Al Capone's reputation..."  You know, when you stop and think -- "Not me, not while I'm awake" -- there's really not much time left for Earth.  And that's going to affect a lot of family's lives.  "You really think so?"  Take the Kardashians, for example.  "Nah, you can have 'em."  This doesn't give a guy like Rob Kardashian much of a chance to find a job... "Just when he was getting motivated, too..."  And Bruce Jenner, he won't be able to get all the work done on his face as currently scheduled.  "That would be a tragedy..."  Now, closer to home, the clock's ticking away as my wife tries to wear all the shoes she has under the bed before Earth goes kaputz.  "Wow, now that you put it in those terms, 3.25 billion years is no time at all!"