ATM's used to make me nervous. "Nervous? ATM's?" Now they creep me out. "Creep you out...?" And for very good reason, yes. You see, it all started with a recurring nightmare... In my nightmare I approach an ATM, push a few buttons here, a few buttons there... There's all this whirring and stirring and -- voila! -- nothing. "Nothing?" Nada. Absolutely no money, no lana, no -- wait a minute, that's no nightmare -- that's my reality! "You have a zero balance, sir. A big fat zero..." (I wish ATM's were a little more discreet) Okay, so I have no money, the story of my life... But at least there's a silver lining in this whole mess... "So, how so with this fiasco?" Well, in a strange sort of way, it's really good news that I have no reason to visit ATM's these days. You see, some automatic teller machines are delivering something other than bills. "Really? Like what?" Try mice and snakes. "Mice and -- say what?!" I'm not joking. I'm really not joking. "He's not joking." People stand there, expecting their money, and what do they get instead? Furry little friends with beady little eyes... The horror... "When was this guy president?" Look, I love money as much as the next guy, so if I ever have to go to an ATM again, I'll expect greenbacks -- not green creatures that wrap themselves around my throat! "He was good man... but he never looked good in turtlenecks..." I can only imagine the look on customers' faces when they receive their surprise: "How do I fit this thing in my wallet?" Just to clarify, I'm not that afraid of snakes or rodents, but I do think it's un-American to have something other than bills coming out of our nation's ATM's. Hopefully, it's just a fad... No disrespect to anybody, but that's how I feel... "We feel for you..." It's a sign of the times, I guess... Hopefully, it doesn't get out of hand... "Sir, uh, how would you like your money -- prairie dog or black mamba?" Sheeesh...
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