Maybe I'll go back to college...

Regretfully, I must inform everyone of a major regret... "We told you not to wear those Speedos."  No, that's not it.  "Why you went with yellow, we'll never know..."  You see, at one time, I thought about being a psychologist.  "That would've been appropriate, considering that you're psycho, ..."  I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to change lives.  You understand what I'm saying?  I had the potential to fix minds... "Speaking of fixing, perhaps you should start with my leaky faucet..."  Long story short, my life took me in a different direction and I forgot about psychology... "Really?  I forgot my anniversary date..."  In any case, I was interested to learn that apes experience mid-life crisis, too.  "What?  That explains  a lot."  Does it, really?!  "Yeah, this one time I saw a hairy gorilla in a Lamborghini with a hot young blond... Then again, it was Halloween night..."  Make jokes if you want, but apes have minds of their own.  They go through the same ups and downs as humans do...  "I didn't know apes ride roller coasters..."  I wish you'd take this more seriously.  "I'm sorry, I'll stay quiet... no more monkeying around..."  Please!  We're talking about the mental well-being of a rare and beautiful species here -- and I can't do anything about it!  I can't help the cause.  "Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.  You're a productive member of society..."  No I'm not.  "Yes, you are."  No I'm  -- "You're right, you're a worthless bum -- we finally agree on something."  If only I had continued with psychology... I could've helped those apes.  I know I could've!  "Woe is you!  Stop feeling sorry for yourself, will ya?  You good-for-nothing whiner.  You lousy no-good -- "  You can stop now... Just forget I said anything... "Fine with me -- you say pretty forgettable things."  I can't help but wonder: What must life be like for all those gorillas and chimps when they reach a certain age?  What must they think?  "My guess is you're about to tell us..."  I can see them sitting there, chewing on bananas, wondering, 'Is this all there is?  Is this all life has to offer?'  How sad...  "Are you crying?  Are those real tears I see?!"  You don't understand.  "I don't want to!"  Hear me out: apes go through a period of hopelessness and low self-esteem: 'I'm just a ball of hair with legs...'  That's horrible.  Absolutely horrible...  "What else are you gonna tell us -- apes suffer from disrupted sleep?  They go through emotional changes, even shifts in physical appearance?"  Yeah, how'd you know?  Just a lucky guess... So tell us, why didn't you complete your psychology degree?"  Oh, uh, all of my therapists insisted I quit...