Here's my autograph -- please!

I was surprised to learn the other day that Kim Kardashian's decided to stop signing autographs... "That is surprising, that you have the ability to learn..."  Here we go, off to another rocky start... "Okay, I'll behave.  Who's this Kim Karwashian person anyway?  -- she a guy or a girl?"  Kim Kardashian's a girl -- trust me.  "Are you sure?"  Positive.  "There's guys named Kim, too, you know?"  Yes, I'm aware of that, but believe me when I say this particular Kim's a Kim, as in a female.  But that's beside the point... "Surely, you didn't know that Shirley was a popular boy's name many years ago..."  You know, I didn't know... "That seems to be the story of your life..."  If you'll allow me, Kim K's not signing autographs anymore, but that's okay because I'm here to help fill the void.  "And all this time I thought you were a guy."  I am.  "Well then, how exactly are you going to fill the void created by this Kimmy person?"  Drumroll please... "I prefer a drumstick."  I've decided to make myself available for autograph signings.  "Great -- I'll be happy to give you my autograph."  Uh no, I meant I'll offer my John Hancock to autograph seekers... "Good enough, but let's keep it clean..."  Now, before I start, I need to establish some groundrules.  "Let me guess: you won't accept personal checks..."  First off, don't bother me at the supermarket; I can't get distracted as I have to make sure to get the right crackers -- only those with a 'hind of salt.'  "What else, Mr. Egomaniac?"  Autograph seekers shall not approach me in poorly lit areas.  "Why, are you afraid of the Boogie Man?"   No, I don't want to strain my eyes.  And have a pen ready, please -- I don't have time to waste!  "Sounds reasonable.  What else?"  Don't seek my autograph while I'm in the  middle of  my beloved frappuccino -- I hate watery drinks!   "Don't we all?"  And one final condition: not that I'm superstitious but I refuse to sign 13 minutes before or after any hour of the day.  Or night.  "Question: are you willing to autograph people's body parts?"  For that, I'll have to ask my wife.  So, for now, let's stick to auto parts.  "Great -- I have these fuel injectors I'd like you to sign..."