Remember you? -- how could I forget?!

I guess I'll never learn: I took a quick peek at something that appeared to be spam the other day.  "I've never liked spam.  I much prefer ham."  No, no, I'm not talking about that kind of spam.  I'm talking about electronic spam.  "Can't say I've tried it.  Sounds difficult to digest..."  No, I mean spam found in your computer, in your e-mail... "Oh, that kind of spam.  You should've said so..."  I tried, but you weren't listening.  "It's not the first time -- nor the last..."  Getting back to the subject line, it read: Remember me?  I've got some bad news... While I didn't open the enticing e-mail, those few words caused me an anxious moment.  "You have anxiety attacks?"  I wouldn't go that far.  "I'll go farther -- they're panic attacks.  What is it you did that's such bad news?"  All I can think of is that maybe I've been referred to collections.  "Shame on you, you financial fraud!"  You see, as a kid, I never paid for a certain magazine subscription...  "This magazine, did it have pictures of people in great physical shape?"  Yeah, football.  "Oh..."  But that bill, I claim ignorance.  "You should do that more often."  How was I supposed to know I had to mail that money order!  I bought it, I just never sent it.  "What's a money order?"  My dad begged me to pay the outstanding balance, but I never listened...  "And you call yourself a good son..."  It's not that bad, is it?  It was just a few dollars.  "Just a few dollars?   Do you know what Third World countries would do for that dough?"  Can we change the topic, please?  I'm getting stressed over something that may not even be... "Be what?"  Maybe this so-called 'bad news' stems from the time in elementary school when I threw rocks at a certain girl (That was my way of showing girls I cared a lot about them.).  "Tell us more about those rocks -- were they insidious or metamorphic?"  I'm not sure, but I let rocks fly on that last day of school -- "Have a great summer!" -- with good intentions.  I never saw the target of my affections again.  "What if one of those rocks hit that poor girl and changed her life forever -- she's returned seeking revenge.  Maybe that's the bad news."   Gee, I hope not.  I didn't mean to hurt her...  "Yeah, I'm sure that e-mail's from her..."  You think?  "Positive.  I bet she played in the National Football League, but wants to blame you for her post concussion syndrome."  I didn't give her a concussion.  "She failed against the NFL's lawyers, so she's come back to squeeze a few bucks out of you..."  Come on, she never played football.  "We know your type, powerful and sturdy.  Strong as a country ox..."  I swear, I've never been attracted to girls that resemble a football player -- nor oxen.  "That's not what we hear..."  Who's we?   Tell me who -- okay, okay, I admit it!  There was a time in my life when I had a thing for girls and cleats  -- and eye black.  But that was ages ago.  A lifetime...  "That's alright, buddy... Don't cry... We're not here to judge... Whatever floats your boat..."