Testing, Testing... 1-2 -Trez...

Somebody made an interesting suggestion to me the other day... "Finally, somebody told you to go jump in a lake."  No, that was last month... It was suggested that I become a motivational speaker.  "Obviously by someone under some sort of influence..."  Yes.  "Yes?!"  I'll to give public speaking a try someday.  I mean, I like talking in front of people.  I always have.  "Better that than their backs, right?"  So, yes, I see motivational speaking as a part of my future... as soon as I motivate myself to do it.  "But why would you do such a thing?"  Well, I like taking on new challenges.  And from what I can tell, people like listening to me speak.  "Boy, they have you fooled." Beside, how hard can motivational speaking be, right?   You stand in front of a mike, say a few words... Before you know it, people from around the world are chanting your name, running over hot coals for you -- and the pay's great!   "So, you think you can get followers to maximize their potential, inspire them to towering new heights..."  Absolutely.  "Well, don't count on me -- I'm prone to nose bleeds."  Oh, that's a shame... "Yeah, I hate nosebleeds.  They're a bloody mess."  That's what they say... "Speaking of which, there's nothing worse than getting a nosebleed at the wrong time -- on a first date."  That happened to you?  I'm sorry to hear that.  "No you're not -- you weren't there."  But I sympathize for you.  "Oh, so now you feel sorry for me?-- well, don't!"  Can we move on, please?  "Since we're talking about nosebleeds, are you from the old school where you tilt your head and swallow back all the blood?"  Well, no, I --  "Or do you hold your head steady and pinch your nose hard with a pair of pliers?"  To be honest with you, I didn't plan for a dialogue about nosebleeds today.  "Yet here we are having this great talk about sangre de la nariz -- tell the ladies it's French!"  If you don't mind, I'd like to get back to the idea of becoming a motivational speaker someday.  "I don't want to be a motivational speaker -- I want to be Santa Claus."  I'm talking about me!  "Oh okay, but I find the subject of nosebleeds a lot more engrossing."  And I'm finding you to be absolutely gross!  "What, you don't bleed?  You don't have blood coursing through your veins?"  Anyway, I think I can be a great public speaker.  "Public... you mean talking in front of crowds..."  That's right.  "You don't get nervous talking to large crowds?"  A little bit, but that's perfectly normal.  "So, what do you do to relax before a big talk? -- I bet you suck on a carton of smokes before a speech, right? "  No.  I don't smoke.  "I bet your wife can smell you from a mile away."  Again, I've never taken up that nasty habit.  "I don't mean to scare ya, but if you're not careful, you're going to end up like that lady on TV, with a hole the size of a quarter in your throat."  I said, I don't smoke!!!  "No need to yell -- you came through loud and clear -- despite your limited lung capacity."  I am not limited.  "Let's not go there..."  Now, you asked what I do to relax before speaking to a large group of people, right?  "Maybe you should write it down instead..."  Hey, I do what any great orator does -- I bite my nails -- and I get sick to my stomach.  "Really?  Is that the trick?"  And most importantly, I make sure to wear a reliable deodorant.  "Yeah well, could've fooled me -- where are those nose pliers when you need 'em?!