Til Rats Do Us Part...

Like everyone else out there, I'm not perfect.  "Speak for yourself."  But from now on I'm going to be perfect -- or at least try.  "But, but, why?  Why set the bar so high?"  I'm doing it for my wife.  "Oh oh.  What did you do?  Something really bad, huh?  Something that would make a seasoned priest blush.  You should be ashamed of yourself!"  No, no, it's nothing like that...  "Well, in that case, instead of trying to reach perfection, start with something more reasonable, something more realistic -- like plastic flowers.  She'll love those..."  No, no, I just want to be the best husband possible from now on...  The best spouse there is... "Huh?  What's come over you?   You usually strive for mediocrity -- and even that's a reach.  Come on, tell the truth.  What's going on?"  I already told you, my wife deserves the best, and I'm going to be all I can be for her...  "You might as well join the Army while you're at it."  Look, I want to be perfect for my beloved -- especially after reading about a woman who chose her pet rats over her husband!!!  "Huh?"  That's what the article stated, I swear.  "Oooh, you swore!  I'm gonna tell!"   That's not considered swearing swearing.   "Are you sure?"  I swear I'm sure... "Okay, then.  We'll let you slide this time..."  Thank you... So yeah, I told my wife about the woman who chose rats over her husband -- and she smiled.  "She smiled?"  She flashed a bunch of teeth, yeah. She found it amusing...  "You mean she liked the idea?"  That's what I'm a little nervous about.  Instead of denouncing the woman's actions, my wife seemed to agree with this crazy woman's stunt.  "How could you tell?"  She said she agreed.  "Oh, that's a pretty good sign..."  I don't know, but I'm about ready to dump all the cheese in the house.  I don't want to give her any reminders of that woman and her rats.  ""There's some good Cotija cheese in the fridge, too -- are you gonna eat that?"  Nah, I can't take the chance.  Take it.  "I think I will -- along with some tortillas."  From now on, I'm going to always help around the house.  I'll be Mr. Fix-it, pick up all the towels, hang my clothes in the closet... I'm going to do all those things -- and more.  My wife will have nothing to ever complain about.  She'll have no choice but to hold on to me... "Wow, that's impressive.  So, does that mean you're going to take the trash out to the garbage can without being told?"  What?  Are you kidding?   And run the risk of running into filthy rat while I'm out there?  Hell no!