Love Thy In-Laws...

It's no accident that I think the way I do.  "And how's that, exactly?"  Um, how do I phrase this in a sensitive, diplomatic manner... "You're not going into politics, are you?"  No.  That's the farthest thing from my mind.  I could never -- "Then say what's on your mind, mister.  Don't hold back. Stir the pot a little."  Okay, this is probably going to land me on the sofa for a couple of weeks, but here goes: Please understand, it's not that I think my wife's accident prone, but... "Oh, it's about the wife -- good luck!"  I know my wife's accident prone.  I mean, that poor girl (she feels younger when I call her that) gets hurt doing the simplest things... "Honey, I just sprained an eyelash..."  And now she wants to take up mountain bike riding!  "Surely you jest."  Surely I wish.  What's she thinking?  I mean, Emergency Room personnel know my wife on a first-wave basis.  "How's it going?  The doctors were asking about you."  Yeah, E.R. staffs actually worry when she doesn't show up with something sprained or broken.  "What's it today, metacarpals or a glenohumeral joint?"  Look, I want to be a supportive hubby; I'm there to assist as the mother of our three kids makes another attempt at physical exercise, but I have my doubts... "You're right, this is going to land you on the sofa.  Permanently."  At the very least, I'd like to offer one suggestion... "Go ahead, stick your foot in your mouth..." Before she goes all-out on that mountain bike, I'd like to see my wife start small.  "Baby steps, you mean?"  Yeah, perhaps she should start with a stationary bike.  Still boxed.  There's no way of getting hurt that way, right?  "Can we at least untape the box, dear?"  (she's always in such a rush)  Now, some people might ask who first encouraged my better half to try this hazardous venture of going down mountains on two wheels.  Well, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but... 'Reliable sources' (the kids eavesdrop on Mom's calls) tell me her sister hatched this crazy plan.  "Why would she ever do that?"  Uh, this is where things get dicey.  I contend that big sister holds a grudge from when they were kids.  "What grudge could that be?"  Well, family lore has it that bratty little sis shaved big sister's doll one day.  "She shaved the doll's head?"  That's right.  A favorite doll's head.  "One of these days, you little -- "  Well, it took  years, but now it appears that big sis is up to something sinister.  "And aren't you going to do something about it?  Stand up for your wife!"  Are you kidding?  I don't want to end up in an emergency ward... Just the other day I found myself in the line of fire:  "Hey bro-in-law, have you ever considered sky-diving?"  Oh oh...