It Might Be In The Trunk

Hey everybody, please excuse me if you've heard this one before... "Would you repeat that, please."  I've mentioned several times in the past that contact lenses are no fun.  "What are you, the Fun Patrol?"  Trust me, I'm speaking from experience.  "What exactly have you experienced?"  Uh, let's stick to the subject, okay?  "Go on..."  You see, contact lenses are a really big hassle: they're easy to lose, they're uncomfortable -- they're a real pain.  "Does it hurt when I do this...?"  One more time: I discourage anyone from wearing contacts if they truly don't have to.  "But what if they have to?"  Anyway, awhile back I read about one particular patient that's a candidate for contacts.  I proceeded to react in a sane, sensible manner: "NO!  DON'T DO IT!  STAY AWAY FROM THOSE THINGS!"  You see, that eye patient is an elephant.  "A what?"  An elephant.  "Of the thick-skinned variety?"  It's very wrinkly, yes.  Upon reading this news I spiraled into a dark, abysmal funk.  "Funk -- you?"  I'm bitterly disappointed to learn that the human race has pushed elephants into the abyss of societal pressures.  "That must've been quite a THUD."  I mean, why should any elephant be so hung up over eye color?  "You sure that's the reason for the contacts?"  Of course -- whose ever heard of a near-sighted elephant?  "My neighbor's cousin has..."   If there's one thing I can't stand it's a vain, self-absorbed elephant.  "Don't you hate that?"  People, people don't go to the circus and/or zoo to admire an elephant's eyes.  "They're ocean blue!"  Please, world, leave our elephant friends alone.  Let them be.  "Bee? -- did you say bee?!"  Here's another thing, think about the poor eye doctor that has to insert those things... "Have a seat please..."  Might as well be a satellite dish installer... In retrospect, I applaud any eye doctor or vet that's responsible for such a difficult task.  "Peanuts, blink twice for me...  Good."  There, I've said my piece.  Live and let live.  But why elephants would subject themselves to a lifetime of misery is still beyond me.   "Cover your left eye -- put the ball down -- and read the second line for me... Yes, cover it with your trunk..."