What You Say?

There they go again, those mysterious e-mails that land in spam.  I got another one the other day.  I got so nervous, all I read was the subject line: Learn a New Language in 10 days.  "Why?  What's the rush?  And where are you going?"  I figured Spanish and English would suffice... "Suf -- what?  Don't you resort to such words, Mister!"  As far as I knew, I wasn't going anywhere.  Thus no need to learn another language.  "Boy, were you wrong."  I mean, I love my country.   I love the U.S. of A.  According to my birth certificate, I was born here.  This is where I belong!  I need to have a real sit-down with my parents and ask them some serious questions like: "Mom, Dad, is there something I need to know?  Did the stork drop me off  somewhere other than U.S. soil?!"  I'll get the truth out of them, eventually.  "The truth shall set them free."  I agree.  Look, maybe my English isn't perfect, but whose is, right?  Okay, so sometimes I get confused with me and I.  "I hate when that happens."  But that happens to everybody, right?  "Don't look at me..."  Come on, I shouldn't get booted for making dumb grammatical mistakes.  "Maybe, maybe not..."  Okay, you got me: on rare occasions I've been known to say supposebly.  I'm sorry, sometimes it slips... "What slips?"  I swear, I promise to learn the difference between Too, Two, and To if I have to (or is it too?).  Just let me stay in the greatest country in the world, please!  "We'll have to think about it..."  Look, I promise I'll take classes to sharpen my English -- as long as they don't conflict with my favorite novelas.  But please, oh please, let me stay.  Let me stay!  I'll even memorize the Constitution, I'll tattoo the Bill of Rights on my back if I have to.  "Name the Presidents that were lefties."  Uh... Oh my goodness, I just realized the unfathomable... "Un -- what language are you speaking?"  What if I'm shipped off to some far off corner of the world that doesn't carry Dodgers or Lakers?!  What if I'm sent to some remote island in the far-off Pacific?  "It was nice knowing ya..." I'll never forgive my parents for this!  "Hey, at least you'll get a nice tan."  No really, I'd rather stay here, in America.  I don't want to go anywhere!  "But don't you want a nice tan?"  Nah, I can always visit a local tanning booth for that, no questions asked... "Uh, you fell asleep, didn't you, sir?"  Kinda... Where's that island again?