It Takes A Lickin', But Keeps On Clickin'

I was very disturbed to hear about a home break-in recently.  "Oh no, was the house wiped clean?"  Well no, but... "Were very personal belongings taken from the house?"  No, but one particular item was tampered with in a very grotesque manner...  "How gross, I'm so sorry to hear that..."  Yeah well, there's no name for what happened inside that home.  "By the way, what is your name?"  I'd rather not say... "Fine, be that way..."  Please, let's get back to the break-in, okay?  "Yes, let's..."  Where was I?  "You're right here -- and you were about to share something gross."  Oh yes... gruesomely gross...  To be perfectly honest, I'm at a loss for words...  "Please, try to find them, since we've come this far."  I tell ya, it was sacrilegious what went on in that house one fateful night. It was not your typical break-in...  "Fine, tell us what happened!"  I don't think I should.  I'm afraid that copycats will follow.  "Please, pretty please -- with a perfectly purple pitted prune on top!"  Okay, if you insist... "That, we do.  We really, really do..."  Well, neighbors noticed suspicious activity going on at one particular house.  "Hey, that sounds like my house!"  Well, police arrived and caught a guy doing something really, really sick.  "Is this going to make me sick?"  This individual, he, he -- you won't believe what the cops found him doing.  "Don't tell me."  Okay, I won't.  "No, I meant 'Don't tell me' to encourage you to tell me!"  Uh, you're getting me confused... "Just say what you have to say, will ya?!"  Thank you, I will.  But first, let's make sure there aren't any impressionable young children around.  We don't want them getting any ideas...  "Okay, the coast is clear."  Now, this guy, the break-in artist, he -- he was caught licking something near and dear to every man's heart!  "No!"  Yes! -- he was licking the remote control!  "The what?!"  You heard -- the remote control!  "Say it ain't so!"  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but -- yes!  Police caught this sub species, this animal slobbering all over the remote control!  "You're sure it's the TV remote?"  Why do you doubt me?!  It controls the oversized flat screen mounted to the wall.  "Oh no, not the man cave!  Not the man cave!"  We have to assume so, yes.  Why else would the story be all over the news?  "That's pathetic.  A good-for-nothing trespasser leaving his saliva on man's best friend..."  I tell ya, what's this world coming to?  "To a bitter end, that's what!"  Never again will I look at my remote control in quite the same way.  This is devastating.  I may never recover... "Does that  mean you'll stop watching sports forever?  No more Dodgers?  No more Lakers?"  Well...  "Let's tell your wife the great news!"  Uh... Outta my way! -- I'm trying to change channels before tipoff!