Stick 'Em Up!

I don't feel safe.  I'm always looking over my shoulder.  "Have you tried turning around?"  I'm not kidding.  I'm really scared.  "Then go hire a bodyguard."  That's ridiculous.  Why would I do that?  "Cuz you're a scaredy cat."  Excuse me?  "You just said that you're utterly scared."  I'm not utterly anything.  I'm just scared, that's all --  and that doesn't mean I need to hire a bodyguard.  "Just trying to help..."  Yeah well, please stop trying...  "You're so ungrateful.  I bet you don't have many friends..."  Why would you say that?  Why are you attacking me?!  "I'm not attacking you!  And if I was, I'd suggest that you call your bodyguard."  For the last time, I don't have a bodyguard -- I don't need a bodyguard!  "Fine.  But those that feel threatened  tend to hire bodyguards."  I must admit, I do feel threatened... "You must've done something horrible to require a bodyguard."  I didn't do anything horrible!  "That's not what I've heard."  What?!  What have you heard?  "Oh nothing, nothing at all..."  Hey, if it's about that goat on New Year's Eve, it wasn't a real goat -- it was a piñata! "Sure, okay..."  Can we start over, please?  "Yes, let's..."  Look, I merely made a comment about not feeling safe because a New Mexico inmate broke out of jail with the use of popsicle sticks.  "Good thing you don't live in New Mexico."  That could happen anywhere.  The simple truth's that our neighborhoods are no longer safe.  "You're right -- what flavor was the popsicle?"  Who cares?!  How would I know?!  "You seem to know everything..."  Popsicle flavors are the least of our worries in these situations, don't you think?   "Not if your tastebuds are picky..."  What's our nation's jail system coming to if someone can escape with the help of mere popsicle sticks!  "It's a scary thought.  It truly is..."  I told ya.  It's hard to get my head around the thought that inmates are skipping prison so easily.  "He probably threatened the guards with artificial flavors..."  That's scary in itself... "I really hope the guy suffered brain freeze prior to escaping..."  You know, sometimes you come up with the strangest ideas...  "I'll take that as a compliment..."  Only you would...  "I bet Harry Houdini would've loved this escape artist."  You'd have to ask him.  "Say, I wonder what the guy did to be rewarded with a popsicle treat in the first place..."  For once he was probably on his best behavior.  Next thing you know, jail wardens will hand out scratch 'n sniff stickers to felons... "In that case, keep me posted -- my favorite's cherry!"