Walkin' and Talkin' -- and Whistlin', too.

I saw a sales ad the other day.  "That's nice -- and I saw a chicken cross the road..."  The ad read: A walk-in tub at an affordable price.  I thought it was rather silly.  "How silly?  As silly as your predictable wardrobe?"  Talk about a waste of money.  "Why do you say that, Mr. Financial Guru?"  First off, why would I spend my hard-earned money on a tub to take walks in?  "I have a better question: Just how hard do you work for your money?  Because I've heard conflicting stories..."  Let me remind you all that tubs were originally intended for something other than walking.  "Yeah, to watch our rubber duckies float in a perfect line..."  Think of the drawbacks; there's only so much to look at while walking in a tub.  There's the tile, the grout -- the hand towel somebody  always forgets to wring out and hang!  "Hey, there's some very nice shower heads out there, too.  Do give them their due..."  And what's with the door on these walk-in tubs?  Are guys expected to open it for the little lady every time she steps in?  "If you're a gentleman, you certainly will..."  The existence of such doors,  should I knock first, before I swing one open?  "That reminds me -- I love knock-knock jokes!"  Well, don't look at me...  "I always try not to..."  But getting back to my original thought, I'm the first to say that there's much better places to walk than walk-in tubs.  "Really?  Such as?"  Well, I prefer a stroll in the park any day of the week.  "Even Sunday through Saturday?"  Outdoor walks allow me the chance to whistle a happy tune.  I like whistling; it get me in a good mood... "How nice -- do you take requests?"  Sadly, whistling is a dying art these days -- especially outdoors.  People just don't pucker up for the right reasons anymore... "Yeah, but whistling can be offensive to some, especially birds.  They think you're mocking them."  Oh, yes -- like who?  "The Mockingbird.  They gather their bombardier buddies, start flying overhead... Before you know it, it's 'Look out below!'"   In any case, nothing compares to taking a nice walk in the great outdoors.  "You forgot one thing: what about the land mines?"  What land mines?  "All those dog owners that don't clean up after their pets -- why carry those plastic bags if they're not going to put them to good use?!"  Don't get me wrong -- "It's hard not to since you usually are."  There probably is a market for those who prefer to take walks in their tubs, just don't include me...  "We try to exclude you as much as possible..."  I'm just not into walks that have such limited space.  Three steps and you bang against a wall -- again.  "And I thought you were dropped as a baby..."  There's also the worry that I may slip on a wet spot; that's a troublesome thought, too.  "That's why you post a sign: 'Slippery When Wet' -- as a reminder."  Maybe it's just me -- "It's you, alright."  Too much time in a bathroom puts me in a bad mood anyway.  "Maybe I can be of some assistance.  I have strategies to help flush negative thoughts from the human mind..."  To be perfectly honest, bathrooms put me in a crappy mood.  I guess they remind me of just how costly plumbers are these days.  "These days?  How about all days!"  All they care about is the bottom line.  "So, what are you going to do right now?"  Oh, I think I'll go for a nice, long walk.  "But there's thunder and lightning -- you can't go outside."  I'm not.  I'm gonna walk laps in the freight elevator next door instead...