Where'd those teeth go?

I have a chance to improve my smile, courtesy of an unsolicited offer.  "If it's an offer you can't refuse, take it."  Huh?  "You don't want to wake up with a horse's head next to yours..."  Not to be ungrateful or anything, but I'll pass on the offer, thank you.  "You're welcome -- for what, I'm not sure."  Uh, I wasn't talking to you.  "I wasn't talking to me either."  Then I guess we have something in common... "It's bad manners to turn down that gift, you know?  You should accept it."  Actually, it's not a gift -- I'd have to pay for it.  "And isn't improving your smile worth it?"  Hold on, what's wrong with my smile as is? "If you allow me enough time, I'll be happy to tell you..."  Okay, so maybe these days my teeth aren't perfect: a cavity here and there.  But who doesn't have at least one cavity?  "My 98-year- old neighbor doesn't have any.  Of course, she doesn't have any teeth either -- unless you count her dentures."  Look, I admit it -- I didn't wear my retainers like I was supposed to when the braces came off.  I'm sorry, Dad!  I'm sorry, Mom!  "Don't look at me -- I'm neither one."  So my teeth moved a little after the braces -- but not that much.  I'll shout from any mountaintop that I'm happy with my teeth.  "Let's get to the root of it: Do you have all your teeth?"  Yeah, other than 3 wisdom teeth... "Ah, so that's why you're lacking in one department..." What department?  "My point exactly -- wisdom."  Just so you'll know, my one remaining wisdom tooth has been there for me in times of need, especially after high school.  "I'll have to see a diploma..."  I'm eternally grateful for my wisdom tooth bailing me out of some tricky spots, especially in college.  "Those sorority girls are something else, aren't they?"  I faced excruciatingly difficult exams, but I passed thanks to the smarts of that molar.  "I thought it was a tooth."  You know, all this tooth talk triggers my mind that I lost track of my baby teeth...  "Try saying that while chomping on crackers..."  I don't mean to cast my mom as a villain, but she misplaced my baby teeth.   "And she calls herself a mother..."  I had them safely tucked away in a little plastic bag... I bet they'd be worth something today on the open market... "You'd sell your teeth at a supermarket?"  Not to dwell on the past -- I've hardly sought therapy for it -- but my parents didn't indulge me with Tooth Fairy talk.  Heck no.  If a tooth fell out,  a tooth fell out.  I'd lift the pillow the next morning and the only thing I'd find were the tooth -- and a list of chores my dad had waiting for me early Saturday morning... "You mean your dad didn't let you sleep in on weekends?  At least 'til 8 o'clock?"  Are you kidding? Being an Army man, my dad has always believed in that old saying...  "What exactly are you saying?"  Come on, you've heard the saying, help me out.  "I'll help you to a mental ward..."  How does it go?  "I can't say that I know..."  Oh yeah: The early bird gets the worm.  Yeah, that's it!  "Hold on a minute, the Army fed your dad worms? -- No wonder they can't find recruits!"