Do Not Disturb... or Perturb

As my wife continues to convalesce from her recent surgery, she has time to enjoy her favorite TV shows, but not without some stress.  Which I find rather amusing... "Surgery?  Don't tell me she had doctors stretch her face from here to there.  I'd nip -- and tuck -- it in the bud before she looks like something that escaped a wax museum."   No, my wife did not get cosmetic surgery.  Far from it. She had no choice but to go under the knife for something more serious.  Thankfully, she's doing fine.  "That's fine that your fine wife's doing fine, but don't say I didn't warn you..." Anyway, when my wife views her favorite TV shows, including soap operas, she doesn't like to be interrupted.  Not at all.  "Ooh, I love operas, except when they're singing -- I have very sensitive eardrums."  No, I'm talking about soap operas, where everything's so over-the-top dramatic.  "Oh, you mean where at least one character's always in the hospital -- bedridden like your wife?  She should be able to relate..."  Please, be careful with what you say... "All she needs is that oxygen thing shoved up her nostrils and she'll be ready for the cameras!"   You said it, not me.  "Soap operas -- hah!  Everyone's beautiful and a doctor or a lawyer -- it's a joke."   Listen, you're going to get me in trouble...  Please stop, I don't want this to get back to her.  She can get rather loud...  "Alright, alright, Wifey Boy, continue with your story."   Don't tell her, but it's funny how my wife's gone ballistic at the recent flurry of Emergency Alerts.  "She totally loses it, huh?"   You should see her.  And just because episodes are interrupted by the National Weather Service.  "Oh, I hate when that happens.  It's like space aliens talking through the TV."  Yeah, she keeps hearing about floods and thunder showers in the area.  "What floods?  We're in Southern California!"  That's what my wife says:  "There's no floods!  There's no thunder!  Give me my soap opera -- now!"  Speaking of floods, I would've liked a few back when I was in elementary school.  "Huh?"  I was always dressed for the occasion.  "Uh, what does this have to do with your wife?  Does it always have to be about you?"  My parents used to send me to school wearing high-water pants.  It was embarrassing.  "High waters, huh?"  Yeah, I wasn't a pretty sight...  "Ditto for the present."  It's a miracle I turned out as normal as I did... "Everyone has a right to his or her opinion..."  Other kids wore stylish pants, while I had some that barely reached my ankles.  How dare my parents send me to school looking like that!  "So you wore long shorts, that's cool."  No, it wasn't!  It wasn't cool!  I wasn't cool!  And there's school pictures to prove it!  "Really?  Can I see them?"  No, you can't see pictures of me in my high-water pants!  And I better not find you sneaking over to my parents' either!  "At least you got over it..."  How dare you!  How dare you ask such a thing! Why would -- hey, come back here! Where are you going?!  Don't leave me standing here!  "I'll be right back.  I'm just gonna find the Emergency Alert people, so they can contact your wife.  I'll let them interrupt her favorite programming so they can break the news: "Lady, your husband's nuts!"