Don't Rush Me, Please...

"You look like you've got a lot on your mind -- go ahead, spit it out."  Oh, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining; it doesn't do any good. "Still, you need to let it out..."  Look, I take great pride in not being much of a complainer, if at all... "Here we go -- you're going to complain, aren't you?"  Maybe just a little... You have to hear me out.  "I'll probably pass out first, but go on..." I had to take my wife to the Emergency Room the other day -- it was the wee hours, actually.  But more on that later... "So that was you singing Cocka-doodle-doo! -- it gets old after awhile..."  My wife was in a lot of discomfort, so I told her to get checked immediately... "What a brilliant thinker you are -- she's okay, right?"  Yes, she's fine now, following surgery a few days later, as it turned out... "What did doctors turn out?"  I'm not going into specifics...  "Oh come on, you can tell me.  I'll hardly tell anyone..."  I'm just glad I was there for her, in her time of need...   "Which reminds me, I need you to lend me some moola..."  If I may say so, I put up a brave front for my beloved as we raced to the hospital.  "Thank goodness you kept your cool -- you usually become unraveled at the sight of blood while shaving."  Yeah well, now I'd like to express my, uh, concerns.  Not complaints -- concerns. "Oh boy, bring 'em on..."  I just wish we hadn't driven so fast to the hospital -- we could've gotten a speeding ticket.  "Please don't tell me you made your speed-racer wife drive.  Please don't tell me."  Well no, but I thought about it... "Of course you would..."  Try to understand, it was way too early for me to put on my contacts; my eyes aren't accustomed to it... "Oh, you poor baby -- you should've been rushed to the hospital."  I'm sorry, but my high-maintenance eyes don't make me a bad guy, okay?  They don't.  "Oh yes they do! -- then you should've called a taxi!"  Not at their rates.  "How 'bout an ambulance?"  They're even more expensive -- and that's having insurance!  "This is too much.  There's you're wife, about to pass out from the pain and you're worried about your pretty little eyes..." Hey, it's the only pair I've got.  "We are talking about your eyes, right?"  Again, let me repeat myself: if I put on my contacts before a certain hour, they'll bother me the rest of the day.  I'm rendered useless.  "Spare us the obvious.  What we want to know is, was it a boy or a girl?"  It was nothing like that... "Are you sure?  Cuz there's a rumor going around that you want an army of kids so you can star in your own reality show..."  That's absolutely false; at least it has been for awhile...  "Okay fine, so are you finally done venting?"  Look, just between you and me, I wish my wife hadn't fallen ill in the middle of the night.  "How inconsiderate of her..."  I love my wife and everything, but I mean, a good night's sleep is important to me, too.  "You are one selfish dude."  Hey, I'm just trying to avoid bags under my eyes, okay?  "Too late!"  Really?  Do you see bags?!  "I see a carousel of luggage."  You're joking, right?  Please tell me you're joking!  "How can you think this way?  How can you be so vain?"  Please, put yourself in my shoes for a minute... "I'd rather not, I've seen your socks -- and feet.  Come on, what can possibly be more important that your wife's well-being? Please explain."  Well, if you must know, I'm considering getting a state ID card, okay?  I want to come out nice in the picture...  "Oh well, you should've said so... Of course you want to look your best in that picture."  Thanks for understanding... "Here's what you do -- you put cucumber slices on your eyes... Yeah, okay...  "But be very careful; you don't want to cut yourself and then have to be driven to Emergency..."