I was surprised to learn the other day that Kim Kardashian's decided to stop signing autographs... "That is surprising, that you have the ability to learn..." Here we go, off to another rocky start... "Okay, I'll behave. Who's this Kim Karwashian person anyway? -- she a guy or a girl?" Kim Kardashian's a girl -- trust me. "Are you sure?" Positive. "There's guys named Kim, too, you know?" Yes, I'm aware of that, but believe me when I say this particular Kim's a Kim, as in a female. But that's beside the point... "Surely, you didn't know that Shirley was a popular boy's name many years ago..." You know, I didn't know... "That seems to be the story of your life..." If you'll allow me, Kim K's not signing autographs anymore, but that's okay because I'm here to help fill the void. "And all this time I thought you were a guy." I am. "Well then, how exactly are you going to fill the void created by this Kimmy person?" Drumroll please... "I prefer a drumstick." I've decided to make myself available for autograph signings. "Great -- I'll be happy to give you my autograph." Uh no, I meant I'll offer my John Hancock to autograph seekers... "Good enough, but let's keep it clean..." Now, before I start, I need to establish some groundrules. "Let me guess: you won't accept personal checks..." First off, don't bother me at the supermarket; I can't get distracted as I have to make sure to get the right crackers -- only those with a 'hind of salt.' "What else, Mr. Egomaniac?" Autograph seekers shall not approach me in poorly lit areas. "Why, are you afraid of the Boogie Man?" No, I don't want to strain my eyes. And have a pen ready, please -- I don't have time to waste! "Sounds reasonable. What else?" Don't seek my autograph while I'm in the middle of my beloved frappuccino -- I hate watery drinks! "Don't we all?" And one final condition: not that I'm superstitious but I refuse to sign 13 minutes before or after any hour of the day. Or night. "Question: are you willing to autograph people's body parts?" For that, I'll have to ask my wife. So, for now, let's stick to auto parts. "Great -- I have these fuel injectors I'd like you to sign..."
I don't want to limit my audience, but this one's especially for the ladies. "Oh really? What, us guys aren't good enough for you? Huh? Huh? Huh?!" Actually, it's for the guys, too. "Sure it is..." I don't want to exclude anybody. "Too late!" What I'd like to do is tell the ladies about an absolute must-get for their favorite man. "An even bigger flat screen TV? -- Yes!" Well no, not exactly... "No?! And you call yourself a man?!" Look, what I'm alluding to goes beyond pixels and rear projection... "Watch what you say there, buddy." I'm here to inform the ladies about investing a few dollars in bacon -- and it won't affect their man's cholesterol levels in any way... "Is HDL the good cholesterol or the bad cholesterol? -- or is it LDL?" Listen, I couldn't believe my ears -- nor prickly stubble -- when I first learned about bacon shaving cream. "What? -- bacon shaving cream?!" Yes, isn't that something? I couldn't make this one up if I tried... "I thought you were the creative type." I think I'm creative, yes. "Yet you can't make up a story about shaving cream that smells like bacon?" I guess I could, if I tried hard enough... "That doesn't bode well for your writing career if you have limited creativity." Can we move on, please? "Thanks to you, I'm ready to eat a bacon-wrapped hotdog -- Oink! Oink!" You don't believe me... "What's next, pancake facewash? -- scrambled egg aftershave?!" You're mocking me... "And you're making my belly growl!" I just want the ladies to know that bacon shaving cream allows a guy to make a pig of himself -- and it's perfectly swine, uh, fine! "Damn right it is..." Admittedly, I wouldn't want to smell like bacon, but that's just me... "And you call yourself an American?" The good news is, the product actually exists and at a reasonable price. "But you'll never use it..." Hey, I want the ladies and gents to know what's available, that's all... "Well, thank you for your tireless research..." Oh, there's this one other product I'd like to share with you... "Let me guess: pizza perfume." Hey, how'd you know? "I can smell the pepperoni on my wife from a mile away..."
I don't like to lie. "You're lying." No, I'm being honest -- I don't like to lie. "Who do you think you are, Honest Abe? -- you don't even wear a hat!" And due to my honest ways, I was extremely bothered by a strange e-mail the other day. "Which day?" I don't recall. "That is strange..." The e-mail claimed that everyone I know is a lie. "No way -- you're lying." I wish I was... What drives people to come up with such lies? "How do you know it's a lie?" My kids aren't lies! If they were, I wouldn't have so many bills! "Ah, come on, they can't be that expensive." No? What do you call braces, shoes -- back to school clothes! "Expenses I like to avoid..." You know, all this talk reminds me of a show that hinges on lies. Lots of them. "Let me guess: 'I Love Lucy' -- I love that show!" No, not -- "That's not Ricky's real accent is it?! -- and Lucy's not a redhead!" That's not the show I'm talking about... "So tell us then." I'm talking about 'Pretty Little Liars.' "Wait a minute, you watch that? That's a girly teen show!" Uh, I have a teen daughter, remember? "Now that you mention it, I don't remember -- should I be worried? I played a lot of football as a kid, took some hard shots to the head..." Look, it's not that I never watch 'Pretty Little Liars'... Once in awhile, I pass by when my daughter's watching an episode, so I'll catch a minute or two... "Remember, you don't like to lie..." Okay, so I'll watch the entire episode! So sue me! "Actually, I'd rather settle out of court..." From what I understand, the show centers on a murder that occurred several TV seasons ago -- at least four! The main characters are high school girls who all happen to be pretty. "Where do I enroll?" These girls lie to everybody, keep good grades, and try to catch the villain -- without ever messing up their hair! This has gone on for years! "Sounds believable to me..." Really? "You tell us -- you're the expert dad..." At the rate the show's going, they'll have to rename it 'Lil' Lying Grannies.' "Hey, that sounds like a spin-off, where crime-solving grandmas wield their mighty canes." You like it? "Pitch it to Hollywood, make a boatload of money." Yeah? You really think so?! "Nah, I was only lying..."
Regretfully, I must inform everyone of a major regret... "We told you not to wear those Speedos." No, that's not it. "Why you went with yellow, we'll never know..." You see, at one time, I thought about being a psychologist. "That would've been appropriate, considering that you're psycho, ..." I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to change lives. You understand what I'm saying? I had the potential to fix minds... "Speaking of fixing, perhaps you should start with my leaky faucet..." Long story short, my life took me in a different direction and I forgot about psychology... "Really? I forgot my anniversary date..." In any case, I was interested to learn that apes experience mid-life crisis, too. "What? That explains a lot." Does it, really?! "Yeah, this one time I saw a hairy gorilla in a Lamborghini with a hot young blond... Then again, it was Halloween night..." Make jokes if you want, but apes have minds of their own. They go through the same ups and downs as humans do... "I didn't know apes ride roller coasters..." I wish you'd take this more seriously. "I'm sorry, I'll stay quiet... no more monkeying around..." Please! We're talking about the mental well-being of a rare and beautiful species here -- and I can't do anything about it! I can't help the cause. "Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. You're a productive member of society..." No I'm not. "Yes, you are." No I'm -- "You're right, you're a worthless bum -- we finally agree on something." If only I had continued with psychology... I could've helped those apes. I know I could've! "Woe is you! Stop feeling sorry for yourself, will ya? You good-for-nothing whiner. You lousy no-good -- " You can stop now... Just forget I said anything... "Fine with me -- you say pretty forgettable things." I can't help but wonder: What must life be like for all those gorillas and chimps when they reach a certain age? What must they think? "My guess is you're about to tell us..." I can see them sitting there, chewing on bananas, wondering, 'Is this all there is? Is this all life has to offer?' How sad... "Are you crying? Are those real tears I see?!" You don't understand. "I don't want to!" Hear me out: apes go through a period of hopelessness and low self-esteem: 'I'm just a ball of hair with legs...' That's horrible. Absolutely horrible... "What else are you gonna tell us -- apes suffer from disrupted sleep? They go through emotional changes, even shifts in physical appearance?" Yeah, how'd you know? Just a lucky guess... So tell us, why didn't you complete your psychology degree?" Oh, uh, all of my therapists insisted I quit...
"So, what do ya like to do on your free time? Huntin'? Fishin'?" Well, these days I don't have much free time, actually. I have lots of homework... "Oh, ya mean ya do your kids' homework? School projects, too?" Uh, no, that's not what I mean... "Ya'll don't do their homework? -- get that busy work over and done with? Ya call yourself a parent?!" That's not the kind of homework I'm talking about... "What then?" Look, we're all trying to make a honest buck or two, right? "What exactly do ya mean by honest?" These days I'm helping out my wife as she delves into new opportunities... "Ya allow your wife to delve? Ya don't seem the type..." She's involved in a new business venture, so I'm brushing up on some product knowledge to assist. That's my homework... "That's mighty fine of ya. What are ya guys selling?" Uh, just some stuff... "What kind of stuff?" Well, first of all, I'm secure with my masculinity. I'm a man's man... "That's a bit of a stretch, but okay, we'll go with that..." I'm here to support my wife, to help her out in whatever way I can. "And what if she becomes ultra successful? She won't let ya forget it." Hey, more for me, right? "So spill the beans, what's this business venture of ya'll? You guys selling real estate? Apartment buildings? Timeshares?" No, not timeshares... "Good, cuz timeshares are a waste of time..." Uh... I'm helping my wife sell women's cosmetics! There, I said it. Deal with it. "What did ya say? Ya'll doing what?" You heard me... "I reckon I did..." Yes, I'm learning about moisturizers and lipsticks and -- "What are your buddies going to say? The boys in the coal mines aren't gonna let ya live this down..." I don't work in the coal mines. "Good thing 'cuz they'd leave ya down there." What's wrong with knowing about nail polish and perfumes, huh? Tell me! I'm doing this for my wife! I want her to have a few extra bucks in her purse! "Have ya'll tried going to the ATM?" I'm done with your insults, okay? Enough is enough! "Fine, but ya can't say I didn't warn ya, buddy. I feel sorry for ya on poker nights..." Tell me, is there a law that prohibits men from selling foot creams and eyeliner?! -- and I don't play poker, by the way! "That's not a surprise..." Just for that, I'm going to sell women's cosmetics full-time. I'll quit writing if I have to! "Fine, I guess this sales job means ya'll cut back on your sports viewing? Skip Lakers and Dodgers games so ya can sell lady undergarments, too... " Uh... maybe my daughter can help instead. She's not doing much of anything, other than texting...
There was a rare occurrence for me the other day... "Ah, so you decided to shower. Very rare indeed..." Listen, smartie, I don't have to defend my personal hygiene, okay?! I take great pride in trying to smell good and look good all the time... "Geez, aren't we touchy..." For your information, I happen to shower every single day of the week! For the most part... "Give the guy a cookie..." Yes, I always shower... as long it's not too cold... or too hot... "Fine, we believe you..." Oh, and I don't get near a tub when there's a full moon, either. "Makes perfect sense..." Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I had some time for myself the other day, and I took advantage -- "Are you sure we should be hearing this?" Yes, I'm sure! Why wouldn't I be sure?! "We're not sure..." The point is, I was surfing the Internet, right? And I came across this interesting story. "How interesting was it?" Well, I read about a stolen vehicle -- packed with Chinese food that hadn't been delivered. "Where's my Kung Pao Chicken?!" The nice part of the story is the car thief actually delivered the orders. "Here's your Shrimp Fried Rice!" Maybe I'm just a sucker for these type of stories, but I thought it was so cool of the thief to make those deliveries, very considerate... "What are you talking about? The dude stole a car!" That's beside the point. I mean, how would you feel if your Mushu Pork and egg rolls never got to your house? You'd be there waiting all mad, starving to death... "That's a very valid point you make..." I think so... "Hopefully, the guy got some nice tips before getting arrested..." Not only that, we have to give him credit for being able to multi-task in such a stressful situation. Think about it, here's this guy trying to evade police -- while not screwing up all those orders! "I didn't want Mei Fun Noodles! -- I wanted Egg Drop Soup!" Now that's pressure... "That had to be one hell of a scene when the dude was finally caught..." I can only imagine: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do may be used against you in a court of -- Hey, what's that you've got there? -- Crab Rangoon?!"
Hey, I believe in love like a whole lot of people, but at what cost? "Brother, can you spare a dime?" I mean, I'm all for Cupid and everything he has to offer -- but at the cost of my tongue? No thanks. You see, it appears a man tried to cut off his 'lengua' as a way to show his love for his estranged wife... "Estranged? That's strange..." I couldn't agree more... "Why didn't he buy her flowers instead?" That's what I say... "Diamond rings, the ladies love diamond rings, too!" Exactly. Why didn't this guy get something pretty and sparkly instead? I mean, walking around without a tongue is really serious stuff. "For once, you're really serious, aren't you?" Like never before... To lose one's tongue is right up there with any worst case scenario, like losing a smart phone... "That bad huh?" All this talk about tongues reminds me of something -- "Let me guess: feet." No, I just realized I haven't had 'tacos de lengua' in such a long time... "What are 'takgoez day laingwaw'?" Tacos de lengua are tongue tacos -- beef tacos to be exact... I used to eat them all the time as a kid. My mom would add cilantro and onions, a zesty salsa on top... "Sounds like your mom's a great cook -- and guilty of not having me over for dinner!" Yeah, for awhile there, I ate lots of tacos de lengua growing up... "How you're not tongue-tied, we'll never know..." Can I tell you something, but promise not to laugh? "I don't laugh at anything you say -- or write." Well, when I was a kid, I believed that eating tongue would help me learn the cow language... "Why, was there an issue to be discussed? Did you have a beef with cows?" No, I just wanted to know what stories cows shared with each other while grazing... "That's silly." I don't think so. I was curious to know what cows talked, uh, mooed about on their spare time. I mean, did they fraternize about the weather? The economy? How the Texas Longhorns were doing? "Tell ya what, we better stop right there. I'm going to look at cows a whole lot differently from now on..." Really? I've provided you with a whole new perspective, a new-found appreciation for cows? "No, actually, all this cow talk got me hungry -- and my steak sandwich is getting cold." Oh...
