Let the Name Calling Begin...

"It's not nice to call people names."  Okay, fine, but what about race horses?  "Uh, what do you mean?"  As you may know -- "I don't." --  I'm going to own race horses someday.  "Really?"  And you know what that means... "I hate to be mean, but, what does that mean?"  As owner, I'll get to name my horses... "But sir, the horse already has a name..." Oh yeah, I'm going to flex my very creative muscles.  "You have muscles?"  I can't wait to get started.  I'll give my ponies really cool names, something wild like 'El Caballo.'   "You're going to name your horse 'Horse'?"  Hey, I just have a knack for that sort of thing, I guess.  It's a gift (though I still can't figure out why I wasn't allowed to name my own kids). Another name I have ready for one of my future horses is 'I Ate Too Much'.  Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?  "To be honest, sir, that makes my stomach churn..."  Oh, you're just saying that...  "Maybe you should stop while you're ahead."  Nah, I'll keep going --  so many names, so little time: 'Where Have Those Hooves Been?' and 'Tail of Two Cities' are two of the many other monikers I'd have to consider for my four-legged friends.  "Frankly, sir, a monkey could come up with better names."  Yes, this name-calling thing is really my, uh, calling...  "There's a couple of things I'd like to call you right about now."  Having said that, why limit myself to horses?  Maybe I should expand the business... "None of my business, but what business?"  It's the one where expectant parents can come to me for name-calling advice...  "We can't decide on 'Bruce ' or 'Wayne.'"  I can do better -- name him 'Shirley.' (don't knock it -- it was a popular boys name awhile back)  Yes, I'll be more than happy to name couples' children if they can't settle on a name.  Something memorable, something unique... Something like -- I got it! -- Engelbert Humperdinck. "Uh, that name's already taken."  Oh, well, in that case, how about 'Robert R. Roberts'?  "Uh, we'll get back to you..."