A Zest For Zombies

Is America a great country or what?  "Boy, do I hate trick questions..."  Just answer the question, please... "I suppose America's great -- as long as you don't anger the IRS..."  I just want to remind people that in the United States we're encouraged to express our opinions on everything.  I mean, here in the land of red-white-and blue there are polls for just about everything... "There sure are: poles for traffic lights, fire stations, talented young dancers..."  No, no, no, I'm not talking about those kinds of poles.  "Maybe you should..."  I'd rather not.  What I'm talking about are polls -- polls.  You know, where you're asked about things.  You vote, compare your opinions to those of other pollsters...  "Repeat that -- my mind's somewhere else..."  I can only imagine where...  "I thought I had more singles in my pocket..."  Anyway, awhile back there was a poll that asked women if they found zombies attractive.  "Say what?! -- What about me, ladies?!  I'm quite the catch!"  Unfortunately, it's not about you.  It's all about the zombies.  "They're taking over our world! -- a man's world!  "What do zombies have that I don't have?!"  Now you understand why I found that poll to be very, very disturbing.   For women to actually take the time to participate in a zombie poll is not a good sign for us guys.   "It's a terrible sign!"  But I have one thing to say, ladies: Don't come crying back to us gents when you realize that zombies are emotionally detached. "What? -- what's detached?!"  Through the years, guys have made great strides in getting in touch with their feelings  -- and for what?!   "Women are kicking us to the curb!"  So many women complain that we're slobs, that fashion-wise we're so out-of-touch.  Well, what about zombies?  -- They're a bloody, unkempt mess!  "Why, I bet they don't even use deodorant -- spray nor roll-on!"  That, I haven't researched, but I wouldn't put anything past those hairy things, the zombies...  "So now what do we do?"  Men, there's only one thing we can do: we have to look out for each other, have each other's backs...  "That's a brilliant idea -- what does that mean?"  Well, we have to lend each other support.  Especially now that women have options, specifically zombies.  "I don't like this, I don't like this at all!"  We're in trouble, fellas...  Our prospects are dead -- sorry I said that -- if we don't get our act together -- and fast.  Before you know it, the male species will be phased out.  We'll become extinct, like the dinosaur.  "I don't wanna be extinct -- that'll stink!"  I hate to think about it, but think about it: the next poll's going to ask women something even more disturbing -- How sexy are amoebas?  "Oh, that's not so bad.  Amoebas are no threat to my buddies and me..."  Yeah well, you won't say that once I share my trips down to Mexico...