"What a pain in the -- "

I hate to reveal this, but... I received what many consider hate mail the other day.  "I hate when that happens."  I'd barely read the subject line when I became incensed by the audacity of the question it posed...  "You shouldn't get mad -- get even!"  Yeah well, that sounds like good advice right about now.  "And we won't even charge you for it..."  Just so everyone knows, I can smell sinister e-mails from a mile away, so I didn't bother to open it...  "Oh.  Maybe you should've..."  What for?  I'm not going to waste my time and energy on such things... "Just replenish it with an energy drink."  All I read was something to the effect of: Do you suffer from chronic back or neck pain?  Of course not!  Everybody knows full well that I suffer from no such maladies!  "We didn't know..."  The way I took it, some cyber bully's letting me know that I'll soon  be suffering from such pain...  "Are you sure you're not jumping to conclusions?"  I never jump to conclusions!  "Good to know..." Come on, coward -- come out, come out, whoever you are!  Show your face!   "But what if he's ugly?"  I demand to know why physical harm's being directed at my lean and supple body.  I mean, have I ever wronged an innocent soul?  Have I ever teased a geographic illiterate for thinking Michigan's peninsulas are two separate states?!  "But aren't they?"  Pity the fool that's trying to scare me because I laugh at professional wrestling (I wouldn't be caught dead at one of those silly matches).  "You know it's real, right?  Those guys aren't faking it..."   I'm curious to know who I rubbed the wrong way along the way...  "There's no way of knowing..." Maybe it was a bitter chiropractor who calls himself a medical doctor -- but knows he isn't!  "That's not your fault!"  Look, I'm a good citizen, okay?  I smile at people -- unless they steal my parking spot.  I donate to good causes -- mainly the cable company that covers my beloved sports teams.  I don't throw eggs at neighbors' houses -- unless they give out stale candy at Halloween!  Need I say more?  "No need, no..."  I'm a likeable, loveable sort!  "Sure sounds like it..."  Yeah, so whoever's out there wishing harm to my beloved back and neck better stop it, right now, right this minute!  "Hey, there's a guy at the door looking for you, guy named Guido."  Tell him I'm not home -- tell him I went to a wrestling match!