The Rub On Alcohol

I got an erroneous e-mail the other day -- I'm pretty sure it was erroneous.  "Or maybe it was just sent to you by mistake..."  The e-mail said something about alcohol rehab.  "Well, now that you've brought it up, we've been meaning to talk to you..."  Hey, as far as I know, I don't need any sort of rehab that involves alcohol.  That's ridiculous... "That's what they all say..."  What are you trying to say?  "Just continue, please..."  Yes, I will... Uh, anyway... Okay, so maybe I do use alcohol a bit more than in the past, but for good reason.  "Aha! -- I knew it!"  Let me explain: you see, I'm getting more aches and pains as I grow older... "That's no excuse for you to need alcohol to get through the day!"  Look, in no way, shape, or form do I think rubbing alcohol's becoming an issue...  "Uh... what kind of alcohol?"  Rubbing alcohol...  Why, what were you talking about?  "Never mind, go on..."  Like I was saying, these days I'm having to rely more and more on rubbing alcohol for various ailments.  "You sure you're not overdoing it with the strong stuff?"  I'm confident that I'm using alcohol from my local drug store in an appropriate manner.  "If you say so..."  Not that I need to, but I can quit rubbing alcohol anytime I want.  "We don't believe you..."  Yeah, I can always use my mom's home remedies; they always seem to help...  "Without the use of alcohol?"  Yeah, take Swimmers Ear, for example.  "You know how to swim? -- you don't even have a pool.  Actually, our association has a pool; it's very nice.  It  -- would you stop distracting me?!  "Sorry about that, go on..."  My mother puts spit in my ear whenever water gets trapped in the ear canal.  "Spit?  -- as in saliva?!" Sure, and it doesn't even hurt.  "That's gross!"  No, just awfully warm-- and it gets the water out.  "I can't believe you're admitting this.  You, a grown man let your mother put saliva in your ear..."  That's right...  "And your wife knows about this?"  Sure.  She also knows about the one where tomato-soaked newspaper's wrapped around my feet to bring down a fever... "Might as well make dinner while you're at it..."  However, that remedy's a whole lot riskier: Heaven help anyone that gets the sports section before I've had a chance to read it...