Anybody ever tell you you're wired?

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I'm greatly disturbed... "Oh, we could've told you that a long time ago -- it's the worst kept secret since Joan Rivers' nips and tucks."  Let me explain, please.  I have a valid reason for saying I'm disturbed.   "Pssssst... it's sad how disturbed people are always the last to know...."  Please, give me a moment to clarify -- "Oh, it's perfectly clear, you're an absolute wack job."  What I'm disturbed about is that there are kids around the world who wear fake braces as a status symbol!  "Say whuh?  How does one brace oneself for such calamitous news?"  Whatever happened to fancy sports cars or overpriced designer jeans to show off one's status?  "We'll have to ask the Real Housewives of  Beverly Hills -- as soon as they return with their new cheeks."  It really irks me that kids in countries I can't pronounce will remove their braces like a pair of shoes -- or chanclas -- when they get home:  "Boy, my teeth are bushed! -- I think I'll take off my braces."  Who are these shallow kids?  Are they really rich or do they just pretend to be?  "For now, let's pretend not to hear you."  Faux braces -- "Did you just cuss?!" -- are an insult to the generations of kids who've suffered with real braces -- in other words, oral blisters!  "I always thought they were marshmallows."  I tell ya, back in my day, barbed wired was used to straighten teeth!  Not only that  -- "What else is there?" -- I'd walk through blizzards for miles to get to my ortho appointments -- on time!  "We believe you..."  You don't believe me!  I still have the scars to prove I wore legitimate braces, too.  Wanna see 'em?  "The scars, no."  Why so squeamish?  "I'm not a squirrel."   Heck, I'm so marked, I play Tic Tack Toe with the inside of my mouth.  "We prefer checkers."  Yeah, there's nights I still wake up in a cold sweat, wincing as the ortho tightens my braces with all his might:  "Not the pliers, doc!  Not the pliers!"  It's a miracle I'm a contributing member of society... "That's according to you."  I've had nightmares where my mouth explodes into a spectacular array of  bloody blisters.  "We'll never see the 4th of July in quite the same way..."  Wearing braces was no fun, I tell ya.  I mean, my lips would get so puffy, friends would ask if I was Mick Jagger's kid.  All that pain and suffering, I deserve a medal or something, in my humble opinion.  Maybe a coin with my likeness.  "We wouldn't like that..."  Fake braces, please... How dumb are today's kids?  "We don't know.  We haven't met yours."  Take that back!  Take that back now!  "Fine, we have met your kids..."