Excuse me, should I keep an eye on you?

It's that time again.  "Christmas already?  I haven't even paid off last year's gifts!"  No, not that.  What I mean is, it's time to worry.  "Coming from you, that's a shocker."  You see -- "No, I DON'T see.  I don't want to see anything that has to do with you!" -- I received an e-mail about a felon living in my neighborhood.  "Who's the felon?"  I didn't open the e-mail.  "You didn't open it?!  Are you that way with presents?  If you are, I'll be happy to open them for you! -- and keep 'em for myself!"  I'll take that into consideration, thank you... Anyway, the felon tip was very helpful as it reminded me to watch my neighbors differently from now on...  "How's that, with one eye instead of two?"  I don't know when exactly the supposed felon came into our neighborhood, so all I'll have to assume everybody's committed a felony until I find out who it is.  "But that's not fair to your neighbors!  What about presumed innocence?"  Sorry, I can't take any chances.  The fact is, at one point a neighbor broke the law in a very serious manner.  "You can't live that way, eyeing those around you in a suspicious way."  It won't be for long; only until I find out who the felon is... "But you live in a nice community, a gated community."  And that concerns me: a felon lives comfortably amongst us -- behind bars.  He feels right at home!  "How do you know it's a he?"  You're right, I mustn't assume.  For all I know, the felon's a she.   And that's why I've decided to put on my detective hat.  "That's quite a big hat."  For the good of the community, I'm going to expose this felon.   "Are you sure you're up to it?"  Sure, I'm sure.  I'm fully qualified.  "How so?"  Well, I've watched plenty of crime shows in my time, dating back to Charlie's Angels.  "Gee, I wonder why that program..."  I even watched the Sherlock Holmes movies just to brush up on my sleuth skills.  "You sure you don't mean sloth?"  As a matter of fact, I have a growing list of suspicious people I'm keeping an extra close watch on... "Oh, that's no way to talk about your wife."  No, not her -- she passed the background check.  And the lie detector test.  "Yeah, well, you may want to dig a little deeper..."  For example, I have this neighbor who has the same light on every night..."Every night?"  Every night... "And it's the same light?!"  Yes!  "Man, if I were you, I'd march right over and handcuff the culprit myself!"  I'm tempted to, but then I have this other neighbor; one day she casually mentioned that she's going to have a baby.  "Okay..."  Next thing we know, she has the kid -- nine months later.  "Aha!"  How convenient.  "Huh, that does sound suspicious..."  Yeah, right?  Then I have this other neighbor down the street, he leaves his house every morning at the exact same time.... "You don't say..."  Wait, there's more: he returns home every evening at the exact same time, too!  "Very interesting..."  I bet he's doing that to throw us all off... "I really think you're onto something.  You were born to do this sort of stuff!"  I tell you, I have a bunch of suspicious neighbors... "Maybe they're all felons!"  Maybe... "Well, whatever you do, don't go snooping around my neighborhood..."  Why not?  "Oh, I'm just messing with you..." Why'd you say that?  "Oh, no reason..."  I'm curious, buddy -- why?  Do you have a shady past?  "Who, me? -- nah..."  Are you sure?  "I'll see you around, okay? -- I'm gonna go look for some shade."  Hey, come back here!  Stop!  Where do you live again?!