Summer Bummer

Well, it's that time of year again... "Time to shampoo the rug, huh?  Sometimes you gotta wonder if having a dog's worth all the trouble..."  I was talking about  summer...  "Well, that's a good thing, right?  No school or homework, you get to sleep in late..."  I guess... "You guess?  There is no time of year like summer!"  I suppose... "Yeah, suppose I'm right."  I was doing some reading on adult summer camps; I understand they're popping up all over Southern California and Hawaii... "We're going to Hawaii?!  Yay!"  Uh, hold on to your hula skirt, buddy.  All I said is there's summer camps for adults... "You mean a camp where there's no kids in sight?"  That's right.  These camps are gaining populari -- "I wanna go!  I wanna go!"  Yeah well, maybe you do, but I don't.  "Come on, adult summer camps sound like a lot of fun.  It's a chance to relive your youth.  Don't you want to relive your youth, back when you were hanging out with Benjamin Franklin?"  Not really... "Man, you're no fun."  Camps just aren't my thing, never have been... ""Tell you what, pal, I'll ask for you.  I'll ask your wife for permission to let you go to one of those big-boy camps.  We'll go together."  Let's get one thing straight: I don't have to ask my wife for permission to go anywhere!  "Okay, sure.  I'll be sure to tell her that."  Uh, I'd rather you not... In fact, I'd like to keep it quiet about these camps.  Knowing my wife, she'd reserve a spot for me first chance she got.  "Sorry, no comprende.  So, what's the problem then?  Don't you want to get away for a few days?"  I don't know... I just don't want to be pressured into doing something I don't want to do.  "Pressured?  What's there not to like?  Have a little fun in the sun...  Did you ever go to camp as a kid?"  Not exactly... "That means 'no.'  Why don't you want to go to camp?"  Well, it's kind of hard to explain... "Wait a minute -- you're afraid you'll get homesick, huh?  Big baby!"  No... "They have names for guys like you, you know that? -- and they're not very nice!"  Okay, okay, so maybe I would get a little homesick -- but not that much.  Just a little...  "It's cool, we believe you."  You don't believe me.  "We do, we really, really -- okay, we don't."  Look, I hear that at summer camp they make you do all sorts of dumb stuff.  "Yeah, and you're dumb -- it's a perfect match!"  I hear they paint your face at these camps.  "And since when are you against that?"   For your information, that was a long time ago... "Let me guess: 'It was just a phase...'"  Beside, face paint makes me break out.  "And that would be an improvement, right?"  Then there's those water balloon games they play...  "Those are fun."  Yes, but getting hit by one of those things really hurts.  I don't like to feel pain.  It's painful... "So you'll tell them to underhand the water balloons at you."  I guess I could do that... Can I tell you something?  "If it's about growing a pair -- of ears -- to listen to my advice, yes!"  Back when I was a kid, I dreaded staying over other people's homes.  Nothing personal, but I was never the type to want to stay overnight...  "Why, were you afraid you'd miss your mommy and daddy?"  No... "You're not very convincing, you know that?"  Man, you read me like a book... Yeah, I guess I was afraid they wouldn't return for me...  "And I wouldn't have blamed them!"  That hurts.  That really, really hurts...  "I just hope you consider going to summer camp someday.  It'll be good for you..."  I'll go one of these years, I promise.  But only under one condition... "You name it.  Anything."  Promise not to laugh?  "Promise."  I'll only go away to camp if I'm able to take my teddy bear... "How you ever found a wife, I'll never know..."