Some things are really hard to understand; they're downright perplexing. "Like your wardrobe, you mean?" Before I begin, let's get something straight... "Fine, but let's use a ruler -- I drink a lot of caffeine." I consider myself a pretty open-minded person, progressive, somewhat intelligent... "That's stretching the truth a bit, but okay, we'll go with it..." At the same time, I see myself as somewhat old-fashioned, a romantic, if you will... "I will, if you will..." And yet, I can't wrap my head around a very strange marriage I learned about recently... "Oh, did you start watching The Kardashians?" Please believe me when I say that I'm all for everyone finding true love. "I'm sure you're lying, but continue anyway..." I truly feel deep in my heart that there's someone out there for each and every one of us. Someone... "Are you trying to set me up with one of your supposed friends again?" I'll never try that again... "'Cuz the last girl stole my wallet -- good thing it's always empty." Much to my dismay, I learned about a man that married -- are you ready for this? "Probably not." He married his pillow. His pillow! "Oh, is that all? I thought you were going to tell us something weird..." You don't think that's weird? "My definition of weird's changed a whole lot after meeting you..." Answer this for me: How in the world can a man marry a pillow?! "Maybe you should ask the happy hubby instead..." I don't know, but marrying a pillow's really, really strange, as far as I'm concerned... "When did the ceremony take place?" I'm not sure, awhile back, I think... "You think? Don't tell me you lost the invitation. You lost the invitation, didn't you? You know full well that I love weddings! We would've had a blast!" Uh, I never got an invitation... "That's 'cuz you're so cheap with wedding gifts." You're impossible to talk to... Please, somebody out there help me answer this question: What on God's green earth possesses a man to marry a pillow? I mean, what are the benefits, other than lots of hugging and squeezing -- and plenty of pillow talk. And what about putting a ring on it? How does that work? It must get very costly, a band that big... "Well, it must not be just any pillow. It's obviously very special to the guy..." How did he propose? Did this guy literally kneel on the pillow when he popped the question? "This pillow, it's made of goose feathers, right?" I don't know about that... "For the pillow's sake, it better have goose feathers..." What are you talking about? "Think about it, buddy: you take the pillow of your dreams home to mother -- and it's merely polyester. No sign of goose feathers. Talk about breaking your Mama's heart." You think so? "Oh yeah, she'll resent that pillow forever, always consider it second class..." Well, to all that I will say one thing: Hopefully, the groom looked at what's on the inside, not just what's on the outside... "In other words, 'Never judge a pillow by its cover.'" Yes, that's right... Better yet, never judge a pillow by its, uh, pillow case... "Ya had to have the final word, didn't ya, Mr. Wordsmith? Ya just had to..."
I'd like to mention something about dogs. It may be sensitive to a select many... "Well, you love dogs, right?" I enjoy dogs, yes. I'm a dog owner... "Then that's all you have to say -- bye!" If I may, I'd like to share my concern; it deals directly with dogs... "Concern? About dogs? That's not good, not good at all..." It'll only take a moment... "Okay, but first, you let your dog lick your face, right?" Actually, I don't. I've never liked that, getting licked, by my dog. I -- "You're no dog lover! I hope your dog bites you!" Wait a minute, just because I don't let my dog lick my face? Is that so wrong? "Yes, it's very wrong!" You have a right to your opinion, I guess... "Yeah, and it's the right one..." Anyway, I heard about an exercise class that includes dogs. "And? That sounds wonderful!" That's where my concern comes in: I don't want that to become a trend. "What's wrong with that?" I don't want my local gym to allow dog members -- now or for the foreseeable future, like while I'm alive. "Hater! You're a dog hater! That's what you are!" I am not. "Are, too!" Look, all I want is my space when I go to the gym, a place to blow off some steam... "I've been around your steam, and it ain't pretty..." Maybe I'm the only one, but I don't want to worry about getting chased by dogs the size of a horse while I'm in the gym. "Why not, chicken? All that running, it can be part of your cardio..." And I certainly don't want to feel obligated to pet every toy pooch that comes my way, either... "You are sooooo anti-social..." Sorry, but I don't like getting distracted during my workouts... Nothing against dogs, I swear... "We understand, you don't want to take time to, uh, spot dogs during your precious workouts..." Right, I can't take the chance to see dogs bulk up and get ripped before me... "Speaking of ripped, I'd like to right about now..." What if a dog needs help with a piece of equipment, am I supposed to help? Do I ignore it, leave it up to its master? Some dog owners are very picky that way... And another thing, will I have to carry doggy treats with me? Plastic bags? I already carry workout gloves and a water bottle... "Big wimp, you should try a baby bottle..." That's just me: I hate having anything in my pockets while I'm working out... "From what we hear, you never have much of anything in your pockets anyway..." Here's something else to consider: how's my own pet going to react when I come home smelling like the other dog? He'll think I'm being unfaithful to him. He won't trust me, he'll insist on going everywhere I go. I mean everywhere... I can't live that way! And I certainly can't toy with Rocky's emotions in that manner... That poor dog will look at me with those sad puppy eyes, barking his hairy ol' head off to no end: "I've given you the best dog years of my life -- and for what?! For the chance to see you running around with a pretty young bitch!" "Geez, you make an awfully good point..." Right? You understand what I'm saying? It'll be very awkward if dogs are let into gyms. Very awkward... "I've got it! I've got the perfect solution: Trade your dog in for a hamster -- it'll come with a treadmill already!"
I need to say this. I really, really do... I have to get this off my chest. "Don't look at me -- no way I'm helping you with a waxing! We might be friends, but I have my limits!" Uh, that's not what I'm talking about... "Oh... -- and that goes for your legs as well!" Thank you for letting me know... Now, that you're finished with your nonsense, I'd like to take this opportunity to express my feelings. I want to share my thoughts on a particular subject... "Lucky us..." I would be remiss if I didn't... "What about Miss? Miss California? Miss Hawaii? Ya gonna judge one of them hot beauty pageants?! Cool, dude! Can I go with you?! Can I?! Can I?! Can I?!" You're hearing things; there is no pageant... "Oh, that's too bad, 'cuz I hear the girls have great personalities..." What I'd like to do is discuss automated phone calls... "Uh, how interesting -- right up there with nail fungus. What can you possibly say that we don't already know about such calls -- like that they're annoying, and go on forever!" I used to think that way, but now I beg to differ. "Please, don't beg. I hate beggars -- especially when I'm enjoying an expensive coffee drink as I leave a store!" I find automated phone calls to be quite useful -- and I'm here to speak on their behalf. It's time somebody does. "I've got an idea: Why not press the pound sign and let them speak instead?!" Let's take calls from my local drugstore, for example. I look forward to those calls. "You are lonely..." It's nice to be reminded that my medication is ready... "I knew it! You are on meds! -- I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! -- and they're not helping, by the way..." Listen here, we all get sick once in awhile, okay? "Yeah, and the outcome for some of us is complete recovery!" Anyway, I used to get so sad when I heard Goodbye and then a click from automated phone calls. The end was so sudden, so abrupt. I'd be left with the want to share more with that voice on the other end. It would leave a void... I used to mope around for hours, disappointed that I didn't get to say more to that warm, friendly voice... "Okay, I'm going to say this once and only once... IT'S A MACHINE! You got that? And NO, it's not a robot that consumes adult beverages!" But you don't understand; my communication skills and overall people skills have improved so much because of automated phone calls. I've learned to be more patient thanks to the patience exhibited toward me. I mean, once upon a time, just to be mean, I'd talk while the other voice was still talking. I'd interrupt and yell -- and scream rude things at the top of my lungs. Yet, that friendly voice continued on and on, not judging me, not hanging up on me... That's a true act of kindness and understanding, don't you think? Hello...? Hello...? Can you hear me...? Are you still there...? "To have your tongue pricked with poisonous needles, press 1 now... To travel to an island inhabited by hungry cannibals, press 2 now..."
I was intrigued by a really hot guy recently... "Intrigued? By a hot guy?" Yeah, the dude was scorching hot. "Uh... does your wife know about this... guy?" Nah, I haven't bothered to tell her; I haven't had time... "Well, find the time!" Okay, okay, I'll get around to it... I tell you, I can't imagine anyone being any hotter... "Enough already! -- I'm covering my ears! Come on, you're gonna talk to your wife right now!" Why? What's the big rush? "If you don't tell her, I will -- right this minute!" But there's no reason to get worked up over this... "You're going to talk to your devoted wife about this male hottie -- and to your older kids, too! They need to hear this. For now, spare the youngest child..." Nah, I think I'll tell him too; he'll get a laugh out of it... "You are one sick dude, you know that?" Yes, I'll tell them all at the same time... "Get it over with quickly -- rip that bandage right off." I'll come right out and say it: I'll tell my family about the burglar who was disguised as the Sun. "Huh?" Thankfully, police caught the guy. "That's the hot guy you were alluding to?" Yeah, you can't get any hotter than the Sun, right? What did you think I was talking about? "Uh, never mind..." Now, while we all wonder how this burglar tried to pose as the Sun, I also ask: Why the Sun? Why not a planet? Why not Pluto?! "Watch how you say that, buddy." In my opinion, Pluto's been getting dissed for the longest time -- and it has to stop! I'm here to advocate for my pal, Pluto. "Hey, I thought I was your pal!" You are. I just thought I'd throw in a little alliteration... "And now it's my turn -- to throw a not-so-little punch at your face! How dare you toy with our friendship!" First off, I took great umbrage when Pluto was no longer called a planet. "That reminds me, I borrowed your umbrella..." Why can't Pluto be a planet? It's a classic case of picking on the little guy, er, planet, er, whatever it is these days... In my opinion, the Sun's been getting too much attention for the longest time. Share the wealth, no? "In other words, every planet deserves a moment in the Sun..." Uh, yeah... To all of the folks out there -- burglars included -- the Sun does us a lot of good, but let's not forget the rest of the solar system. The Sun is essential for our survival, yes, but it causes a lot of damage, too. "Sure, blame the Sun for those impressive crow's feet..." I'm here to remind everyone that the Sun's not just a giant star with smiley face and sunglasses! "Sun should sue you for slander!" Getting back to the burglar, I could never disguise myself as the Sun; I'd get blisters -- or a horrible rash. In fact, I have one under my -- "How 'bout them Dodgers?" Heat does that to me. It affects me in so many ways... "That includes your brain, obviously..." Since you're here, I might as well tell you about the time I got a brutal sunburn. About the only part of me that didn't get burned was -- "Leave that for the book. It'll be a bestseller, I'm sure..."
