You want me to press what?

I need to say this.  I really, really do... I have to get this off my chest.  "Don't look at me -- no way I'm helping you with a waxing! We might be friends, but I have my limits!"  Uh, that's not what I'm talking about... "Oh... -- and that goes for your legs as well!"  Thank you for letting me know...  Now, that you're finished with your nonsense, I'd like to take this opportunity to express my feelings.  I want to share my thoughts on a particular subject...  "Lucky us..." I would be remiss if I didn't...  "What about Miss?  Miss California? Miss Hawaii?  Ya gonna judge one of them hot beauty pageants?! Cool, dude!  Can I go with you?!  Can I?!  Can I?!  Can I?!"  You're hearing things; there is no pageant...  "Oh, that's too bad, 'cuz I hear the girls have great personalities..."  What I'd like to do is discuss automated phone calls... "Uh, how interesting -- right up there with nail fungus.  What can you possibly say that we don't already know about such calls -- like that they're annoying, and go on forever!"  I used to think that way, but now I beg to differ.  "Please, don't beg. I hate beggars -- especially when I'm enjoying an expensive coffee drink as I leave a store!"  I find automated phone calls to be quite useful -- and I'm here to speak on their behalf.   It's time somebody does.  "I've got an idea: Why not press the pound sign and let them speak instead?!"  Let's take calls from my local drugstore, for example.  I look forward to those calls. "You are lonely..."  It's nice to be reminded that my medication is ready... "I knew it!  You are on meds! -- I knew it!  I knew it!  I knew it! -- and they're not helping, by the way..."  Listen here, we all get sick once in awhile, okay?  "Yeah, and the outcome for some of us is complete recovery!"  Anyway, I used to get so sad when I heard Goodbye and then a click from automated phone calls.  The end was so sudden, so abrupt.  I'd be left with the want to share more with that voice on the other end.  It would leave a void... I used to mope around for hours, disappointed that I didn't get to say more to that warm, friendly voice...  "Okay, I'm going to say this once and only once... IT'S A MACHINE!  You got that?  And NO, it's not a robot that consumes adult beverages!"  But you don't understand; my communication skills and overall people skills have improved so much because of automated phone calls.  I've learned to be more patient thanks to the patience exhibited toward me.  I mean, once upon a time, just to be mean, I'd talk while the other voice was still talking. I'd interrupt and yell -- and scream rude things at the top of my lungs. Yet, that friendly voice continued on and on, not judging me, not hanging up on me...  That's a true act of kindness and understanding, don't you think?  Hello...?  Hello...? Can you hear me...?  Are you still there...?  "To have your tongue pricked with poisonous needles, press 1 now... To travel to an island inhabited by hungry cannibals, press 2 now..."