Regretfully, I must inform everyone of a major regret... "We told you not to wear those Speedos." No, that's not it. "Why you went with yellow, we'll never know..." You see, at one time, I thought about being a psychologist. "That would've been appropriate, considering that you're psycho, ..." I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to change lives. You understand what I'm saying? I had the potential to fix minds... "Speaking of fixing, perhaps you should start with my leaky faucet..." Long story short, my life took me in a different direction and I forgot about psychology... "Really? I forgot my anniversary date..." In any case, I was interested to learn that apes experience mid-life crisis, too. "What? That explains a lot." Does it, really?! "Yeah, this one time I saw a hairy gorilla in a Lamborghini with a hot young blond... Then again, it was Halloween night..." Make jokes if you want, but apes have minds of their own. They go through the same ups and downs as humans do... "I didn't know apes ride roller coasters..." I wish you'd take this more seriously. "I'm sorry, I'll stay quiet... no more monkeying around..." Please! We're talking about the mental well-being of a rare and beautiful species here -- and I can't do anything about it! I can't help the cause. "Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. You're a productive member of society..." No I'm not. "Yes, you are." No I'm -- "You're right, you're a worthless bum -- we finally agree on something." If only I had continued with psychology... I could've helped those apes. I know I could've! "Woe is you! Stop feeling sorry for yourself, will ya? You good-for-nothing whiner. You lousy no-good -- " You can stop now... Just forget I said anything... "Fine with me -- you say pretty forgettable things." I can't help but wonder: What must life be like for all those gorillas and chimps when they reach a certain age? What must they think? "My guess is you're about to tell us..." I can see them sitting there, chewing on bananas, wondering, 'Is this all there is? Is this all life has to offer?' How sad... "Are you crying? Are those real tears I see?!" You don't understand. "I don't want to!" Hear me out: apes go through a period of hopelessness and low self-esteem: 'I'm just a ball of hair with legs...' That's horrible. Absolutely horrible... "What else are you gonna tell us -- apes suffer from disrupted sleep? They go through emotional changes, even shifts in physical appearance?" Yeah, how'd you know? Just a lucky guess... So tell us, why didn't you complete your psychology degree?" Oh, uh, all of my therapists insisted I quit...
"So, what do ya like to do on your free time? Huntin'? Fishin'?" Well, these days I don't have much free time, actually. I have lots of homework... "Oh, ya mean ya do your kids' homework? School projects, too?" Uh, no, that's not what I mean... "Ya'll don't do their homework? -- get that busy work over and done with? Ya call yourself a parent?!" That's not the kind of homework I'm talking about... "What then?" Look, we're all trying to make a honest buck or two, right? "What exactly do ya mean by honest?" These days I'm helping out my wife as she delves into new opportunities... "Ya allow your wife to delve? Ya don't seem the type..." She's involved in a new business venture, so I'm brushing up on some product knowledge to assist. That's my homework... "That's mighty fine of ya. What are ya guys selling?" Uh, just some stuff... "What kind of stuff?" Well, first of all, I'm secure with my masculinity. I'm a man's man... "That's a bit of a stretch, but okay, we'll go with that..." I'm here to support my wife, to help her out in whatever way I can. "And what if she becomes ultra successful? She won't let ya forget it." Hey, more for me, right? "So spill the beans, what's this business venture of ya'll? You guys selling real estate? Apartment buildings? Timeshares?" No, not timeshares... "Good, cuz timeshares are a waste of time..." Uh... I'm helping my wife sell women's cosmetics! There, I said it. Deal with it. "What did ya say? Ya'll doing what?" You heard me... "I reckon I did..." Yes, I'm learning about moisturizers and lipsticks and -- "What are your buddies going to say? The boys in the coal mines aren't gonna let ya live this down..." I don't work in the coal mines. "Good thing 'cuz they'd leave ya down there." What's wrong with knowing about nail polish and perfumes, huh? Tell me! I'm doing this for my wife! I want her to have a few extra bucks in her purse! "Have ya'll tried going to the ATM?" I'm done with your insults, okay? Enough is enough! "Fine, but ya can't say I didn't warn ya, buddy. I feel sorry for ya on poker nights..." Tell me, is there a law that prohibits men from selling foot creams and eyeliner?! -- and I don't play poker, by the way! "That's not a surprise..." Just for that, I'm going to sell women's cosmetics full-time. I'll quit writing if I have to! "Fine, I guess this sales job means ya'll cut back on your sports viewing? Skip Lakers and Dodgers games so ya can sell lady undergarments, too... " Uh... maybe my daughter can help instead. She's not doing much of anything, other than texting...
There was a rare occurrence for me the other day... "Ah, so you decided to shower. Very rare indeed..." Listen, smartie, I don't have to defend my personal hygiene, okay?! I take great pride in trying to smell good and look good all the time... "Geez, aren't we touchy..." For your information, I happen to shower every single day of the week! For the most part... "Give the guy a cookie..." Yes, I always shower... as long it's not too cold... or too hot... "Fine, we believe you..." Oh, and I don't get near a tub when there's a full moon, either. "Makes perfect sense..." Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I had some time for myself the other day, and I took advantage -- "Are you sure we should be hearing this?" Yes, I'm sure! Why wouldn't I be sure?! "We're not sure..." The point is, I was surfing the Internet, right? And I came across this interesting story. "How interesting was it?" Well, I read about a stolen vehicle -- packed with Chinese food that hadn't been delivered. "Where's my Kung Pao Chicken?!" The nice part of the story is the car thief actually delivered the orders. "Here's your Shrimp Fried Rice!" Maybe I'm just a sucker for these type of stories, but I thought it was so cool of the thief to make those deliveries, very considerate... "What are you talking about? The dude stole a car!" That's beside the point. I mean, how would you feel if your Mushu Pork and egg rolls never got to your house? You'd be there waiting all mad, starving to death... "That's a very valid point you make..." I think so... "Hopefully, the guy got some nice tips before getting arrested..." Not only that, we have to give him credit for being able to multi-task in such a stressful situation. Think about it, here's this guy trying to evade police -- while not screwing up all those orders! "I didn't want Mei Fun Noodles! -- I wanted Egg Drop Soup!" Now that's pressure... "That had to be one hell of a scene when the dude was finally caught..." I can only imagine: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do may be used against you in a court of -- Hey, what's that you've got there? -- Crab Rangoon?!"
Hey, I believe in love like a whole lot of people, but at what cost? "Brother, can you spare a dime?" I mean, I'm all for Cupid and everything he has to offer -- but at the cost of my tongue? No thanks. You see, it appears a man tried to cut off his 'lengua' as a way to show his love for his estranged wife... "Estranged? That's strange..." I couldn't agree more... "Why didn't he buy her flowers instead?" That's what I say... "Diamond rings, the ladies love diamond rings, too!" Exactly. Why didn't this guy get something pretty and sparkly instead? I mean, walking around without a tongue is really serious stuff. "For once, you're really serious, aren't you?" Like never before... To lose one's tongue is right up there with any worst case scenario, like losing a smart phone... "That bad huh?" All this talk about tongues reminds me of something -- "Let me guess: feet." No, I just realized I haven't had 'tacos de lengua' in such a long time... "What are 'takgoez day laingwaw'?" Tacos de lengua are tongue tacos -- beef tacos to be exact... I used to eat them all the time as a kid. My mom would add cilantro and onions, a zesty salsa on top... "Sounds like your mom's a great cook -- and guilty of not having me over for dinner!" Yeah, for awhile there, I ate lots of tacos de lengua growing up... "How you're not tongue-tied, we'll never know..." Can I tell you something, but promise not to laugh? "I don't laugh at anything you say -- or write." Well, when I was a kid, I believed that eating tongue would help me learn the cow language... "Why, was there an issue to be discussed? Did you have a beef with cows?" No, I just wanted to know what stories cows shared with each other while grazing... "That's silly." I don't think so. I was curious to know what cows talked, uh, mooed about on their spare time. I mean, did they fraternize about the weather? The economy? How the Texas Longhorns were doing? "Tell ya what, we better stop right there. I'm going to look at cows a whole lot differently from now on..." Really? I've provided you with a whole new perspective, a new-found appreciation for cows? "No, actually, all this cow talk got me hungry -- and my steak sandwich is getting cold." Oh...
I got an erroneous e-mail the other day -- I'm pretty sure it was erroneous. "Or maybe it was just sent to you by mistake..." The e-mail said something about alcohol rehab. "Well, now that you've brought it up, we've been meaning to talk to you..." Hey, as far as I know, I don't need any sort of rehab that involves alcohol. That's ridiculous... "That's what they all say..." What are you trying to say? "Just continue, please..." Yes, I will... Uh, anyway... Okay, so maybe I do use alcohol a bit more than in the past, but for good reason. "Aha! -- I knew it!" Let me explain: you see, I'm getting more aches and pains as I grow older... "That's no excuse for you to need alcohol to get through the day!" Look, in no way, shape, or form do I think rubbing alcohol's becoming an issue... "Uh... what kind of alcohol?" Rubbing alcohol... Why, what were you talking about? "Never mind, go on..." Like I was saying, these days I'm having to rely more and more on rubbing alcohol for various ailments. "You sure you're not overdoing it with the strong stuff?" I'm confident that I'm using alcohol from my local drug store in an appropriate manner. "If you say so..." Not that I need to, but I can quit rubbing alcohol anytime I want. "We don't believe you..." Yeah, I can always use my mom's home remedies; they always seem to help... "Without the use of alcohol?" Yeah, take Swimmers Ear, for example. "You know how to swim? -- you don't even have a pool. Actually, our association has a pool; it's very nice. It -- would you stop distracting me?! "Sorry about that, go on..." My mother puts spit in my ear whenever water gets trapped in the ear canal. "Spit? -- as in saliva?!" Sure, and it doesn't even hurt. "That's gross!" No, just awfully warm-- and it gets the water out. "I can't believe you're admitting this. You, a grown man let your mother put saliva in your ear..." That's right... "And your wife knows about this?" Sure. She also knows about the one where tomato-soaked newspaper's wrapped around my feet to bring down a fever... "Might as well make dinner while you're at it..." However, that remedy's a whole lot riskier: Heaven help anyone that gets the sports section before I've had a chance to read it...
I hate to reveal this, but... I received what many consider hate mail the other day. "I hate when that happens." I'd barely read the subject line when I became incensed by the audacity of the question it posed... "You shouldn't get mad -- get even!" Yeah well, that sounds like good advice right about now. "And we won't even charge you for it..." Just so everyone knows, I can smell sinister e-mails from a mile away, so I didn't bother to open it... "Oh. Maybe you should've..." What for? I'm not going to waste my time and energy on such things... "Just replenish it with an energy drink." All I read was something to the effect of: Do you suffer from chronic back or neck pain? Of course not! Everybody knows full well that I suffer from no such maladies! "We didn't know..." The way I took it, some cyber bully's letting me know that I'll soon be suffering from such pain... "Are you sure you're not jumping to conclusions?" I never jump to conclusions! "Good to know..." Come on, coward -- come out, come out, whoever you are! Show your face! "But what if he's ugly?" I demand to know why physical harm's being directed at my lean and supple body. I mean, have I ever wronged an innocent soul? Have I ever teased a geographic illiterate for thinking Michigan's peninsulas are two separate states?! "But aren't they?" Pity the fool that's trying to scare me because I laugh at professional wrestling (I wouldn't be caught dead at one of those silly matches). "You know it's real, right? Those guys aren't faking it..." I'm curious to know who I rubbed the wrong way along the way... "There's no way of knowing..." Maybe it was a bitter chiropractor who calls himself a medical doctor -- but knows he isn't! "That's not your fault!" Look, I'm a good citizen, okay? I smile at people -- unless they steal my parking spot. I donate to good causes -- mainly the cable company that covers my beloved sports teams. I don't throw eggs at neighbors' houses -- unless they give out stale candy at Halloween! Need I say more? "No need, no..." I'm a likeable, loveable sort! "Sure sounds like it..." Yeah, so whoever's out there wishing harm to my beloved back and neck better stop it, right now, right this minute! "Hey, there's a guy at the door looking for you, guy named Guido." Tell him I'm not home -- tell him I went to a wrestling match!
Is America a great country or what? "Boy, do I hate trick questions..." Just answer the question, please... "I suppose America's great -- as long as you don't anger the IRS..." I just want to remind people that in the United States we're encouraged to express our opinions on everything. I mean, here in the land of red-white-and blue there are polls for just about everything... "There sure are: poles for traffic lights, fire stations, talented young dancers..." No, no, no, I'm not talking about those kinds of poles. "Maybe you should..." I'd rather not. What I'm talking about are polls -- polls. You know, where you're asked about things. You vote, compare your opinions to those of other pollsters... "Repeat that -- my mind's somewhere else..." I can only imagine where... "I thought I had more singles in my pocket..." Anyway, awhile back there was a poll that asked women if they found zombies attractive. "Say what?! -- What about me, ladies?! I'm quite the catch!" Unfortunately, it's not about you. It's all about the zombies. "They're taking over our world! -- a man's world! "What do zombies have that I don't have?!" Now you understand why I found that poll to be very, very disturbing. For women to actually take the time to participate in a zombie poll is not a good sign for us guys. "It's a terrible sign!" But I have one thing to say, ladies: Don't come crying back to us gents when you realize that zombies are emotionally detached. "What? -- what's detached?!" Through the years, guys have made great strides in getting in touch with their feelings -- and for what?! "Women are kicking us to the curb!" So many women complain that we're slobs, that fashion-wise we're so out-of-touch. Well, what about zombies? -- They're a bloody, unkempt mess! "Why, I bet they don't even use deodorant -- spray nor roll-on!" That, I haven't researched, but I wouldn't put anything past those hairy things, the zombies... "So now what do we do?" Men, there's only one thing we can do: we have to look out for each other, have each other's backs... "That's a brilliant idea -- what does that mean?" Well, we have to lend each other support. Especially now that women have options, specifically zombies. "I don't like this, I don't like this at all!" We're in trouble, fellas... Our prospects are dead -- sorry I said that -- if we don't get our act together -- and fast. Before you know it, the male species will be phased out. We'll become extinct, like the dinosaur. "I don't wanna be extinct -- that'll stink!" I hate to think about it, but think about it: the next poll's going to ask women something even more disturbing -- How sexy are amoebas? "Oh, that's not so bad. Amoebas are no threat to my buddies and me..." Yeah well, you won't say that once I share my trips down to Mexico...
