Well, it's that time of year again... "Time to shampoo the rug, huh? Sometimes you gotta wonder if having a dog's worth all the trouble..." I was talking about summer... "Well, that's a good thing, right? No school or homework, you get to sleep in late..." I guess... "You guess? There is no time of year like summer!" I suppose... "Yeah, suppose I'm right." I was doing some reading on adult summer camps; I understand they're popping up all over Southern California and Hawaii... "We're going to Hawaii?! Yay!" Uh, hold on to your hula skirt, buddy. All I said is there's summer camps for adults... "You mean a camp where there's no kids in sight?" That's right. These camps are gaining populari -- "I wanna go! I wanna go!" Yeah well, maybe you do, but I don't. "Come on, adult summer camps sound like a lot of fun. It's a chance to relive your youth. Don't you want to relive your youth, back when you were hanging out with Benjamin Franklin?" Not really... "Man, you're no fun." Camps just aren't my thing, never have been... ""Tell you what, pal, I'll ask for you. I'll ask your wife for permission to let you go to one of those big-boy camps. We'll go together." Let's get one thing straight: I don't have to ask my wife for permission to go anywhere! "Okay, sure. I'll be sure to tell her that." Uh, I'd rather you not... In fact, I'd like to keep it quiet about these camps. Knowing my wife, she'd reserve a spot for me first chance she got. "Sorry, no comprende. So, what's the problem then? Don't you want to get away for a few days?" I don't know... I just don't want to be pressured into doing something I don't want to do. "Pressured? What's there not to like? Have a little fun in the sun... Did you ever go to camp as a kid?" Not exactly... "That means 'no.' Why don't you want to go to camp?" Well, it's kind of hard to explain... "Wait a minute -- you're afraid you'll get homesick, huh? Big baby!" No... "They have names for guys like you, you know that? -- and they're not very nice!" Okay, okay, so maybe I would get a little homesick -- but not that much. Just a little... "It's cool, we believe you." You don't believe me. "We do, we really, really -- okay, we don't." Look, I hear that at summer camp they make you do all sorts of dumb stuff. "Yeah, and you're dumb -- it's a perfect match!" I hear they paint your face at these camps. "And since when are you against that?" For your information, that was a long time ago... "Let me guess: 'It was just a phase...'" Beside, face paint makes me break out. "And that would be an improvement, right?" Then there's those water balloon games they play... "Those are fun." Yes, but getting hit by one of those things really hurts. I don't like to feel pain. It's painful... "So you'll tell them to underhand the water balloons at you." I guess I could do that... Can I tell you something? "If it's about growing a pair -- of ears -- to listen to my advice, yes!" Back when I was a kid, I dreaded staying over other people's homes. Nothing personal, but I was never the type to want to stay overnight... "Why, were you afraid you'd miss your mommy and daddy?" No... "You're not very convincing, you know that?" Man, you read me like a book... Yeah, I guess I was afraid they wouldn't return for me... "And I wouldn't have blamed them!" That hurts. That really, really hurts... "I just hope you consider going to summer camp someday. It'll be good for you..." I'll go one of these years, I promise. But only under one condition... "You name it. Anything." Promise not to laugh? "Promise." I'll only go away to camp if I'm able to take my teddy bear... "How you ever found a wife, I'll never know..."
It's that time again. "Christmas already? I haven't even paid off last year's gifts!" No, not that. What I mean is, it's time to worry. "Coming from you, that's a shocker." You see -- "No, I DON'T see. I don't want to see anything that has to do with you!" -- I received an e-mail about a felon living in my neighborhood. "Who's the felon?" I didn't open the e-mail. "You didn't open it?! Are you that way with presents? If you are, I'll be happy to open them for you! -- and keep 'em for myself!" I'll take that into consideration, thank you... Anyway, the felon tip was very helpful as it reminded me to watch my neighbors differently from now on... "How's that, with one eye instead of two?" I don't know when exactly the supposed felon came into our neighborhood, so all I'll have to assume everybody's committed a felony until I find out who it is. "But that's not fair to your neighbors! What about presumed innocence?" Sorry, I can't take any chances. The fact is, at one point a neighbor broke the law in a very serious manner. "You can't live that way, eyeing those around you in a suspicious way." It won't be for long; only until I find out who the felon is... "But you live in a nice community, a gated community." And that concerns me: a felon lives comfortably amongst us -- behind bars. He feels right at home! "How do you know it's a he?" You're right, I mustn't assume. For all I know, the felon's a she. And that's why I've decided to put on my detective hat. "That's quite a big hat." For the good of the community, I'm going to expose this felon. "Are you sure you're up to it?" Sure, I'm sure. I'm fully qualified. "How so?" Well, I've watched plenty of crime shows in my time, dating back to Charlie's Angels. "Gee, I wonder why that program..." I even watched the Sherlock Holmes movies just to brush up on my sleuth skills. "You sure you don't mean sloth?" As a matter of fact, I have a growing list of suspicious people I'm keeping an extra close watch on... "Oh, that's no way to talk about your wife." No, not her -- she passed the background check. And the lie detector test. "Yeah, well, you may want to dig a little deeper..." For example, I have this neighbor who has the same light on every night..."Every night?" Every night... "And it's the same light?!" Yes! "Man, if I were you, I'd march right over and handcuff the culprit myself!" I'm tempted to, but then I have this other neighbor; one day she casually mentioned that she's going to have a baby. "Okay..." Next thing we know, she has the kid -- nine months later. "Aha!" How convenient. "Huh, that does sound suspicious..." Yeah, right? Then I have this other neighbor down the street, he leaves his house every morning at the exact same time.... "You don't say..." Wait, there's more: he returns home every evening at the exact same time, too! "Very interesting..." I bet he's doing that to throw us all off... "I really think you're onto something. You were born to do this sort of stuff!" I tell you, I have a bunch of suspicious neighbors... "Maybe they're all felons!" Maybe... "Well, whatever you do, don't go snooping around my neighborhood..." Why not? "Oh, I'm just messing with you..." Why'd you say that? "Oh, no reason..." I'm curious, buddy -- why? Do you have a shady past? "Who, me? -- nah..." Are you sure? "I'll see you around, okay? -- I'm gonna go look for some shade." Hey, come back here! Stop! Where do you live again?!
A friend of mine recently became a grandpa for the very first time. "That's awesome. What's her name?" His name shall remain private... "Well then, congratulations go out to Grandpa Private -- who unfortunately never made it to Corporal." Okay... My friend's entrance into Grandpahood reminds me of a couple of grandpas out there. "Where?" I don't remember where. It doesn't really matter. "It does if you want to find your way home..." Anyway, I read about a couple of grandpas somewhere out there who are all into bodybuilding. "Wow, a couple of real Dr. Frankensteins..." No, no, let me explain: these senior citizens work on their own bodies. They pump up their physiques. You know, at the gym. "Oh, okay -- I don't go to the gym. Too much fungus hiding out in nooks and grannies." You mean crannies. "Thanks for speaking on my behalf." Look, not to rain on anyone's parade, but I'm not too sure about bodybuilding grandpas... "Rain? I just washed my car!" That's beside the point. "But I never wash my car!" These fitness freak grandpas, bless their souls, I'm afraid they're going to set a bad precedent. "How dare you talk about our president that way! -- Have some respect!" Look, I work out right now, trying to stay fit. "Could've fooled me..." I spend countless hours at the gym every week. "Uh, if that's what you tell your wife, fine. We'll play along..." Look, I'm going to be frank with you. "Okay... Frank. All we ask for is complete honesty... " I don't want to drag my tired old bones to the gym when I'm a grandpa -- many years from now. I want to stay home and do nothing, just nap all day. "But you do that already." Sure, I'll play with the grandkids for a little while... Then I'll send them home when they get hungry or need changing. "Oh, you'll be one of those grandpas, afraid to get your hands dirty..." Wait, now that I think about it, I will work out in my golden years -- I'll be working out my vocal chords as I yell at bratty kids to stay off my lawn -- unless they're mowing it! "Hater!" I tell you, someone's got to put a stop to those bodybuilding grandfathers -- now! They're pressuring the rest of us guys to stay in shape our entire lives. "But that's a good thing..." Think about it: we'll have to wear extra tight T-shirts when we're old and wrinkled. "Thanks for the visual..." We'd have to walk around flexing all day -- God only knows what it'd do to my insides. "You don't stop, do you?" I can't be more emphatic than this: protein shakes are not what I plan to drown in when I'm an old goat. "What will you prefer, whole milk or soy?" You heard it here first: senior men will be coerced into bland boring diets that increase their mass... "Going to mass a little more often never killed anybody..." When I'm old and gray, the only time I want to watch my diet's when I'm shoving it in my mouth! An old man should have the right to eat anything he wants. He shouldn't have to worry about amino acids! "But how do you really feel?" The only acid I'm gonna care about -- "Careful. The DEA might read this." -- is acid reflux!
I have a chance to improve my smile, courtesy of an unsolicited offer. "If it's an offer you can't refuse, take it." Huh? "You don't want to wake up with a horse's head next to yours..." Not to be ungrateful or anything, but I'll pass on the offer, thank you. "You're welcome -- for what, I'm not sure." Uh, I wasn't talking to you. "I wasn't talking to me either." Then I guess we have something in common... "It's bad manners to turn down that gift, you know? You should accept it." Actually, it's not a gift -- I'd have to pay for it. "And isn't improving your smile worth it?" Hold on, what's wrong with my smile as is? "If you allow me enough time, I'll be happy to tell you..." Okay, so maybe these days my teeth aren't perfect: a cavity here and there. But who doesn't have at least one cavity? "My 98-year- old neighbor doesn't have any. Of course, she doesn't have any teeth either -- unless you count her dentures." Look, I admit it -- I didn't wear my retainers like I was supposed to when the braces came off. I'm sorry, Dad! I'm sorry, Mom! "Don't look at me -- I'm neither one." So my teeth moved a little after the braces -- but not that much. I'll shout from any mountaintop that I'm happy with my teeth. "Let's get to the root of it: Do you have all your teeth?" Yeah, other than 3 wisdom teeth... "Ah, so that's why you're lacking in one department..." What department? "My point exactly -- wisdom." Just so you'll know, my one remaining wisdom tooth has been there for me in times of need, especially after high school. "I'll have to see a diploma..." I'm eternally grateful for my wisdom tooth bailing me out of some tricky spots, especially in college. "Those sorority girls are something else, aren't they?" I faced excruciatingly difficult exams, but I passed thanks to the smarts of that molar. "I thought it was a tooth." You know, all this tooth talk triggers my mind that I lost track of my baby teeth... "Try saying that while chomping on crackers..." I don't mean to cast my mom as a villain, but she misplaced my baby teeth. "And she calls herself a mother..." I had them safely tucked away in a little plastic bag... I bet they'd be worth something today on the open market... "You'd sell your teeth at a supermarket?" Not to dwell on the past -- I've hardly sought therapy for it -- but my parents didn't indulge me with Tooth Fairy talk. Heck no. If a tooth fell out, a tooth fell out. I'd lift the pillow the next morning and the only thing I'd find were the tooth -- and a list of chores my dad had waiting for me early Saturday morning... "You mean your dad didn't let you sleep in on weekends? At least 'til 8 o'clock?" Are you kidding? Being an Army man, my dad has always believed in that old saying... "What exactly are you saying?" Come on, you've heard the saying, help me out. "I'll help you to a mental ward..." How does it go? "I can't say that I know..." Oh yeah: The early bird gets the worm. Yeah, that's it! "Hold on a minute, the Army fed your dad worms? -- No wonder they can't find recruits!"
I saw a sales ad the other day. "That's nice -- and I saw a chicken cross the road..." The ad read: A walk-in tub at an affordable price. I thought it was rather silly. "How silly? As silly as your predictable wardrobe?" Talk about a waste of money. "Why do you say that, Mr. Financial Guru?" First off, why would I spend my hard-earned money on a tub to take walks in? "I have a better question: Just how hard do you work for your money? Because I've heard conflicting stories..." Let me remind you all that tubs were originally intended for something other than walking. "Yeah, to watch our rubber duckies float in a perfect line..." Think of the drawbacks; there's only so much to look at while walking in a tub. There's the tile, the grout -- the hand towel somebody always forgets to wring out and hang! "Hey, there's some very nice shower heads out there, too. Do give them their due..." And what's with the door on these walk-in tubs? Are guys expected to open it for the little lady every time she steps in? "If you're a gentleman, you certainly will..." The existence of such doors, should I knock first, before I swing one open? "That reminds me -- I love knock-knock jokes!" Well, don't look at me... "I always try not to..." But getting back to my original thought, I'm the first to say that there's much better places to walk than walk-in tubs. "Really? Such as?" Well, I prefer a stroll in the park any day of the week. "Even Sunday through Saturday?" Outdoor walks allow me the chance to whistle a happy tune. I like whistling; it get me in a good mood... "How nice -- do you take requests?" Sadly, whistling is a dying art these days -- especially outdoors. People just don't pucker up for the right reasons anymore... "Yeah, but whistling can be offensive to some, especially birds. They think you're mocking them." Oh, yes -- like who? "The Mockingbird. They gather their bombardier buddies, start flying overhead... Before you know it, it's 'Look out below!'" In any case, nothing compares to taking a nice walk in the great outdoors. "You forgot one thing: what about the land mines?" What land mines? "All those dog owners that don't clean up after their pets -- why carry those plastic bags if they're not going to put them to good use?!" Don't get me wrong -- "It's hard not to since you usually are." There probably is a market for those who prefer to take walks in their tubs, just don't include me... "We try to exclude you as much as possible..." I'm just not into walks that have such limited space. Three steps and you bang against a wall -- again. "And I thought you were dropped as a baby..." There's also the worry that I may slip on a wet spot; that's a troublesome thought, too. "That's why you post a sign: 'Slippery When Wet' -- as a reminder." Maybe it's just me -- "It's you, alright." Too much time in a bathroom puts me in a bad mood anyway. "Maybe I can be of some assistance. I have strategies to help flush negative thoughts from the human mind..." To be perfectly honest, bathrooms put me in a crappy mood. I guess they remind me of just how costly plumbers are these days. "These days? How about all days!" All they care about is the bottom line. "So, what are you going to do right now?" Oh, I think I'll go for a nice, long walk. "But there's thunder and lightning -- you can't go outside." I'm not. I'm gonna walk laps in the freight elevator next door instead...
If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you something. "Of course I mind -- but ask me anyway." Are you regular? "Did you just ask me if I'm regular?" Yes, because -- "I should slap you. How dare you ask me if I'm regular!" Let me -- "What business is it of yours to ask me about my business!" No, no, let me clarify. "Go ahead -- but when you clarify, speak very clearly." What I'm asking is if you self-reflect on a regular basis. I know I do. It's a very good habit to get into, I think. "Now that I reflect on it, how you tolerate your reflection in the mirror, I'll never know. You're no eye candy." Anyway, self-reflection allows us the chance to look at ourselves at a deeper level, to analyze our strengths and weakness. "Oh, okay..." I know it's worked for me. "Well, right now I can tell you something's not working for you -- your breath! Wow..." Sorry about that -- I'll stand back... "A little farther... farther..." Going through the process of self-reflection, I've discovered I have this silly little phobia. I'm almost embarrassed to talk about it. "Oh, no phobia's too silly to talk about." Are you sure? You won't laugh at me? "To do that would be cruel and insensitive." Thank you, I appreciate it. "I'm never cruel and insensitive -- unless you're a fly or niño del la tierra (potato bug for the monolinguals) and I'm bored, with a pair of tweezers..." Okay so, getting back to my phobia, self-checkout at the supermarket makes me nervous. "Say what?" My heart starts to race, my hands get all clammy... I know, call me weird -- "I'd much prefer other synonyms. You're afraid of self checkout?!" Well, yeah, I -- "Excuse me while I guffaw. Guffaw! Guffaw! Guffaw! What are you, some sort of nut case?! -- that was a rhetorical question, by the way. How'd you escape?!" I don't know where it all started, but I just don't like the idea of ringing up my own groceries. "Why? What is it about handling your own papayas?" I don't know, I just have this thing -- "Yeah, your lobotomy, what about it?" I dread the idea of holding up a long line of cranky people as I try to figure out how to scan and bag my own stuff as I get scolded by a damn machine! "Damn, I hate it when you say 'damn.'" Then I have to call for assistance, and I hear the deep sighs... People mutter to themselves as they roll their eyes, waiting and waiting... That's a lot of pressure to put on a guy! "Speaking of pressure, does the store have anything for bloating?" I've learned the hard way that self-checkout lines aren't for everybody. That's one of my shortcomings, I guess. I have to learn to deal with it. "So, uh, how do you do it when your car needs gas? You pump your own gas, don't you?" Well, you know those people that hang around gas stations begging for money. "I've met a few hundred of those individuals, yes..." Isn't it funny how their car always breaks down two blocks away? "Yeah..." I give them money, alright -- after they fill my tank and check all my fluids. "Um, I suggest you go back and reflect on what you just said. Very, very carefully..."
I consider myself somewhat of a romantic... "Oh yeah? Cool. When's the last time you surprised your wife with flowers?!" Well, uh, uh, I did surprise her with a new sports package from our cable provider the other day... "When's the last time you took her on a romantic getaway, just the two of you." Well, um, I am planning on getting her some Dodger tickets very soon -- for a night game. Watching the sun set with thousands of our closest friends is always nice... "You're no romantic -- you're a termite! A parasite!" I'd rather you not call me that -- I met parasites up front and center on a very memorable trip to Mexico one year... "I love Mexico -- I've gone as far south as San Diego!" Anyway, I bring up the subject of romance because a new bit of Cupid talk was passed my way. "Did you call me stupid? -- 'cuz if you did, that was stupid of you!" Cupid. I said 'Cupid!' "Oh, never mind..." Much to my surprise, I recently heard about the late great Marvin Gaye's music being played for, of all things, Panda bears... "And what's wrong with that?" Come on, mood music for Pandas? "What did you expect -- a visit to a doctor of dysfunction?" Wait a minute, I'm being punked, right? This can't be real. There's no way the sounds of Let's Get It On are being played for Pandas. "Why not? Pandas have feelings too, you know -- and needs!" Yeah, maybe you're right... "I usually am..." In that case, I'd like to make some suggestions to help the love-hungry bears... "Thank you, but let's leave it to the experts..." First off, I suggest that Pandas begin with a bear hug. That usually breaks the ice... Then, I'd follow up with a candlelight dinner... "Hey, that's not a bad idea..." You think so? -- I'm being sarcastic! I mean, why do us humans have to meddle in the love life of Pandas? Tell me, why?! "Why? Why ask why?" I really don't think Pandas need our help, do you? "Duh. I do think they do..." Okay then, what else should we do for the Pandas -- love poems? Love letters? "Like you've ever written one." Let nature takes its course! "But of course. Let the Pandas become extinct. Will that make you happy?!" I'm sorry, but I smell whiffs of commercialism in all this... "I smell something else." Before you know it, we'll be hearing about a love cruise for bears. And let's not stop there. "What else you got?" Back in their cabin, the Pandas can pop in a movie to get things going: Bad News Bears, perhaps? "You know, I can't bear the thought of how your wife puts up with you..." Speaking of my wife, I'd recommend her favorite restaurant, but the last time I checked, most places require shoes and shirt. Are you going to tell the Pandas they need shoes and shirt? Are you going to dress them, be their chauffeur? It's a lot of work. "You're being silly -- bamboo's not even on the menu..."
