Thanks to complimentary tickets -- I'll take anything that's FREE -- I went to my first race the other day. "Let's go, Daddy!" How could I resist, right? So we loaded up the van, uh, sports utility vehicle, and off we went to the race track. "What horses did you bet on?" Uh, I'm talking/writing about car races, okay? Anyway, it turned out to be a fun day. For the most part. Especially once we knew where we were going. You see, we took a wrong turn... "Oh oh..." We eventually got off the race track, just avoiding oncoming Indy cars. "Daddy, I don't think this is the parking lot." Kids can be such worry warts... "Are you brainless?! -- or just plain stupid?!" (and event organizers can be so hostile) Anyway, as we looked for our seats, panic started to set in. I was overtaken by sheer anxiety. "Take a deep breath... Find that happy place..." I was consumed by fear, with a feeling that I'd be asked all these complicated car questions by utter strangers. I mean, it's not that I don't know much about cars, but... I just don't know much about cars. You see, I didn't want to get embarrassed in front of my wife and kids (I have them fooled -- they think I'm brilliant.). Sure enough, one guy started talking to me about 'Atmo engines.' Huh? Another dude, who'd surely consumed a few too many adult beverages, started muttering something about 'carbon fiber.' (I informed him that my diet includes plenty of fiber, thank you.) But the one that really got to me was when a discussion on 'crankshafts' broke out. Come on, really? Not in front of the children. All I could do was exchange perplexed looks with my poor kids. Anyway, we covered our ears and braved the roaring engines as best we could. Then, I came to the realization that car racing is not the best influence for teen drivers. I mean, how am I supposed to instill good driving habits in my daughter? There the blur of cars went, round and round, wasting fuel (who can afford fuel prices these days?!). And the speeds those cars reached, they're a dad's worst nightmare. I've never seen my daughter's eyes light up like they did that day... "Daddy, can I drive like that?!" Please, pretty please!" (All the while, people around us anticipated a spectacular crash.) Heck, my blood pressure -- and insurance rates -- shot up just worrying about my kid behind the wheel... Finally, the outing was well worth the trip to the boonies of Fontana, I guess. You see, I found a little something to take home as a souvenir... No harm done, if you ask me... "Hey, mister! -- come back with those tires!" Like they can't spare a few...
Hey everybody, please excuse me if you've heard this one before... "Would you repeat that, please." I've mentioned several times in the past that contact lenses are no fun. "What are you, the Fun Patrol?" Trust me, I'm speaking from experience. "What exactly have you experienced?" Uh, let's stick to the subject, okay? "Go on..." You see, contact lenses are a really big hassle: they're easy to lose, they're uncomfortable -- they're a real pain. "Does it hurt when I do this...?" One more time: I discourage anyone from wearing contacts if they truly don't have to. "But what if they have to?" Anyway, awhile back I read about one particular patient that's a candidate for contacts. I proceeded to react in a sane, sensible manner: "NO! DON'T DO IT! STAY AWAY FROM THOSE THINGS!" You see, that eye patient is an elephant. "A what?" An elephant. "Of the thick-skinned variety?" It's very wrinkly, yes. Upon reading this news I spiraled into a dark, abysmal funk. "Funk -- you?" I'm bitterly disappointed to learn that the human race has pushed elephants into the abyss of societal pressures. "That must've been quite a THUD." I mean, why should any elephant be so hung up over eye color? "You sure that's the reason for the contacts?" Of course -- whose ever heard of a near-sighted elephant? "My neighbor's cousin has..." If there's one thing I can't stand it's a vain, self-absorbed elephant. "Don't you hate that?" People, people don't go to the circus and/or zoo to admire an elephant's eyes. "They're ocean blue!" Please, world, leave our elephant friends alone. Let them be. "Bee? -- did you say bee?!" Here's another thing, think about the poor eye doctor that has to insert those things... "Have a seat please..." Might as well be a satellite dish installer... In retrospect, I applaud any eye doctor or vet that's responsible for such a difficult task. "Peanuts, blink twice for me... Good." There, I've said my piece. Live and let live. But why elephants would subject themselves to a lifetime of misery is still beyond me. "Cover your left eye -- put the ball down -- and read the second line for me... Yes, cover it with your trunk..."
What in the world is going on these days? "We thought you knew -- you're the worldly one..." Come on, you guys must've heard. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you -- what?" You really don't know what I'm talking about, do you? "Now I can hear you, that's better -- what?" You know -- "No, I don't!" -- the bathroom fiasco. It's an absolute joke. "Hey, I didn't clog no bathroom, buddy. Don't look at me..." Look at me -- I need to tell you about the latest gimmick. "Okay, ol' wise one, gimme the gimmick." Before I start, you better brace yourselves because the world will never be the same. "Oh, you must be talking about Snooki becoming a mother. I hear -- " No, not that -- we'll leave that for another day... Actually, as hard as it is to fathom -- "Watch it with that f-word, buddy." -- there's talk of something even more unimaginable. "You mean..." Yes, some genius wants to run ads on public bathroom mirrors! "No way!" Isn't that creepy? "On high definition?!" Come on, guys, that's crossing the line, don't you think? "I like to think sometimes, yes..." Are you just going to sit there and do nothing about it?! "And what about you?!" Hey, I'm doing my part! -- I'm spreading the word! (why am I yelling?) Is there no escaping commercialism anymore? Is no place sacred? "I hear George Clooney's Italian villa's pretty cool..." Hey, I'm pretty sure you don't want to be inundated by commercials while you're doing your business. You want to get in and out... "Speak for yourself." Well, I don't want a 30-second spot blaring before me as I struggle with my contacts. "Go on..." I don't want to be distracted by bathroom ads as I tuck back nose hairs. "Oh come on, don't be silly. Bathroom mirror commercials are not going to distract anybody. No way in the -- Hey, you forgot to wash you hands, buddy! Your hands!"
Protest is good, I guess... "I don't want my vegetables!" After all, we live in a country where Freedom of Speech is one of our fundamental rights... "No talking during the movie, please!" Subsequently, there's a woman in the Southwest who found a unique way to protest who-knows-what. She decided to climb to the roof of her house. And stay there. "Is she adding solar panels or something?" This woman refused to come down for days at a time. "Not even to re-do her makeup?" Family members couldn't find a way to get her down. "I baked you your favorite, sweet potato pie..." After awhile, everyone in her neighborhood started to worry. "She's becoming an eye sore." Personally, I hope there aren't ever any copycats, especially during the holidays. I mean, I'd hate to hear that Santa skipped homes -- namely mine -- because he spotted angry protesters sitting on their rooftops (so far, I've been a very good boy this year). At the same time, I have to admire the woman for taking such a strong stance. Truth be told, I could never protest as vehemently as she did. "Never?" Sorry, but I'm being honest. "I think you're lying." Frankly, I don't like to protest or make waves (I'm afraid it might upset people). Especially from a pointy rooftop. "Ouch..." Then again, I could get a lot of reading done while up there... Oh, who am I trying to fool? I couldn't sit on a roof for very long... I mean, what if I got hungry? What if I got a bad case of the shingles? Sorry, but I can only go so long without my daily vitamins. (I'd never hear the end of it if I got sick... "I promise, Ma, I'll never do it again...") I mean, there's gotta be better ways for people to voice their concerns, right? Ways where we don't have to miss important ballgames... Okay look, even if I was extremely passionate about a cause, I'd surely fall off the roof and cause serious damage to body parts that aren't insured. Then what? "Can I sign your body cast?" I'd have to decline such requests for fear that some wise guy would try to sneak inappropriate messages onto my cast. "Uh, can you erase that thing about Nantucket. The drawings, too..." I just hope my wife doesn't hear about the rooftop protester. It might give her ideas, might get her thinking... "You'll find me near the satellite dish..." Huh? "And I'm not coming down 'til somebody helps me fold clothes!" Oh boy, something tells me the kids won't be seeing their mom for a long, long time... "Can anybody hear me down there?! Does anybody care?!"
"Have you noticed what I noticed?" You know, I will say I have taken note. It seems rather fashionable for jetliners to be converted into homes in certain neighborhoods. "You seen the wings on that thing...?" For the record, I once lived in a converted garage -- but a one-time big bird? Can't say I've ever tried it. "Don't knock it if you haven't..." Sorry, but I don't think I'd like living out of an airplane. "You'd feel like you're always on the road, huh?" Well no, but... "Living out of a suitcase..." First off, I'd have so much trouble deciding where to sit every time I came home. "Please, dear, have a seat... " Yeah, which one? (not that I'm indecisive) Then there are the boys from the old neighborhood who would try to take advantage, always ask me for favors: "Hey, homey, how 'bout a ride?" I'd have to say "No" right? "That's messed up, dude..." Then again, on those days when I felt like a bit of an elitist, I could always sit in First Class... "Caviar, please..." Yeah, right. I can already see my wife taking advantage of such living arrangements: "Come and get it -- water and peanuts!" Forget that. And believe you me, I wouldn't stay quiet: "How 'bout something with meat and bones once in awhile!" On the other hand, staying in coach would help keep me grounded, given all my recent success (stop laughing). Maybe I should try living in an airplane on a trial basis, maybe put one next to our current house. But wait, first I'd have to get an 'okay' from our esteemed association (you have to get written permission just to sneeze in our community). And here's another thing: I don't think my wife would care too much for her new wardrobe: "I'm tired of dressing like a flight attendant all week long!" (At least she wouldn't complain there wasn't a thing to wear.) Nah, maybe living in an airplane wouldn't be such a good idea. Knowing my wife, she'd get tired of giving instructions to the kids every morning as they left for school... "Exits are on either side -- and this time leave the oxygen masks behind!"
"Something fishy's going on around here..." As a matter of fact, it is, especially now that bass fishing's an official sport in Kentucky high schools. "Are you sure?" Well, uh, that's my understanding. I think... Being the worldly guy that I am, I'm pretty certain they're talking about the fish... Then again, maybe it's bass guitars... (I figure it's the fish since so few of those guitars are tossed into lakes and streams each year anyway.) But let's assume it's those big-eyed sea creatures they're talking about down south. If so, it brings to question how compatible the sport of fishing will be with scholastic life. Will the student body welcome the sport with open mouths, uh, arms? "You would think so..." Will team members be allowed to roam the hallways with fishing rods? "My eye! You poked my eye!" Simply put, will the sport of fishing be detrimental to a 'positive learning environment'? "Did something die? -- What's that smell?!" Here's another thing: Will the varsity guys and gals get to 'letter' in this new sport, too? "I don't see why not..." Will the image of a flopping fish be proudly on display on the letterman jackets? Most importantly, how are those fishing school boys ever going to find prom dates? "You're asking me to the prom? -- smelling like that?!" With any luck, bass fishing will be as popular as Kentucky basketball someday. "Adolf Rupp's gonna roll over in his grave..." And I wonder if actress Ashley Judd will start showing up for Final Four 'Fish-offs' in her home state now that it's a competitive sport. You know, to cheer on her favorite fishing squad... "Go team! -- finish that fish!" How funny, all this fish talk has me interested in taking up the sport myself. I mean, it appears relaxing and kind of fun... I'm sure my wife wouldn't mind... "Are you sure?" Sure, I'm sure. My wife's a good sport... "That's not what we heard..." Okay, so she has a sensitive nose, and she does mind when I apply stinky ointments to my achy erector spinae muscles. But other than that, I don't think my lovely spouse will have any problems if I take up fish -- "OUT! AND STAY OUT!" Maybe I'll take up bird watching instead...
"It's not nice to call people names." Okay, fine, but what about race horses? "Uh, what do you mean?" As you may know -- "I don't." -- I'm going to own race horses someday. "Really?" And you know what that means... "I hate to be mean, but, what does that mean?" As owner, I'll get to name my horses... "But sir, the horse already has a name..." Oh yeah, I'm going to flex my very creative muscles. "You have muscles?" I can't wait to get started. I'll give my ponies really cool names, something wild like 'El Caballo.' "You're going to name your horse 'Horse'?" Hey, I just have a knack for that sort of thing, I guess. It's a gift (though I still can't figure out why I wasn't allowed to name my own kids). Another name I have ready for one of my future horses is 'I Ate Too Much'. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? "To be honest, sir, that makes my stomach churn..." Oh, you're just saying that... "Maybe you should stop while you're ahead." Nah, I'll keep going -- so many names, so little time: 'Where Have Those Hooves Been?' and 'Tail of Two Cities' are two of the many other monikers I'd have to consider for my four-legged friends. "Frankly, sir, a monkey could come up with better names." Yes, this name-calling thing is really my, uh, calling... "There's a couple of things I'd like to call you right about now." Having said that, why limit myself to horses? Maybe I should expand the business... "None of my business, but what business?" It's the one where expectant parents can come to me for name-calling advice... "We can't decide on 'Bruce ' or 'Wayne.'" I can do better -- name him 'Shirley.' (don't knock it -- it was a popular boys name awhile back) Yes, I'll be more than happy to name couples' children if they can't settle on a name. Something memorable, something unique... Something like -- I got it! -- Engelbert Humperdinck. "Uh, that name's already taken." Oh, well, in that case, how about 'Robert R. Roberts'? "Uh, we'll get back to you..."
