If you all don't mind, I'd like to reveal something. "Oh, please do -- but not before we shut our eyes..." Where do I begin? How should I say this? "You may want to try your mouth..." I try not to show it, but I've been deeply disturbed for a good while now... "Poor thing, you're always the last to know..." Some weeks back, I saw a picture that still keeps me up at night. It's stuck in my head and I can't get rid of it... "Your 3rd grade picture, right? It is pretty damn scary..." That's not what I'm talking about. "Your big ol' head just about popped out of that yellow shirt and tie..." The picture I'm talking about shows the image of a dog wearing pantyhose and high heels. Unbelievable... "That's nothing. I saw one where a tiny Chihuahua and humongous Labrador are attempting to -- " Pantyhose and high heels! I saw it with my own two eyes! "I hope so. Anybody else's and it'd be called theft." Wait, there's more. "Oh, goody..." I did some research and I found similar pictures on the Internet. A whole bunch of them. What are dog owners thinking?! "Research, huh? That's what you call it..." What would possess anybody to subject their dog to such craziness? The family dog in high heels and pantyhose... Really? Come on, people! It's not right! It's just not right! "Are you sure it wasn't Oscar De La Hoya? He's dipped his toes in that a time or two..." I don't know where to start, but I want to stop this from becoming a normal thing for dogs. Just think of the repercussions... "Cussing? I'm not cussing. Don't you dare tell my mom, you hear? 'Cuz I didn't swear -- I swear!" If this trend continues, there's no way I'll ever own a girl dog. It's already expensive enough to dress my wife and daughter! "Hell, you'd never leave the mall!" I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but pantyhose and high heels will surely cause an identify crisis for Man's Best Friend. I mean, what are dolled up dogs going to think when they're walking by a construction site and they hear all those whistles? "Fetch is my guess..." Exactly. They'll be looking for a ball -- or treat -- not compliments. That's going to mess with dogs' minds: Where'd it roll? Where's my bacon bit? Where'd it go?! The next thing you know, those four-legged neurotics will require therapy. "That's another expense -- we can barely afford the visits to the vet!" And you know women dog owners will get jealous after awhile. They'll resent the unexpected competition: "Hey, I saw him first! Go away you dumb dog!"
Good work is so hard to find. Sometimes it's downright impossible... "Wait a sec, what on God's not-so-green Earth are you saying? Are you calling me lazy? Just because I'm allergic to work and break out in hives if I lift a finger doesn't mean I'm lazy!" I'm not calling you anything. "Oh, so now I'm not even worthy of a name, huh? I resent that! I resent that very much!" Please, don't misunderstand me; I'm not trying to disparage you in any way. "Speak your mind, then -- after you explain the meaning of disparage...." I'm not talking bad about you, okay? Please don't misconstrue what I'm about to say... "Miss Con did what?!" This has nothing to do with you... "What are you talking about then? Spit it out -- just not in my eyes." Maybe you had a chance to read about a crazy couple that was involved in a bizarre kidnapping awhile back... "The only thing I have time to read is your flog." Uh, it's called a blog; it's blog with a 'b.' "If you insist... The only reason I read your dumb ol' blog is because I have to. If I don't, you give me a gigantic guilt trip. You make me feel like I committed a crime or something..." I apologize for doing that. It won't happen again. Now, speaking about crimes, this particular couple kidnapped a handyman in order to get him to work on their house. They kidnapped him! "We heard you the first time..." I can only imagine what they told the poor dude: "Go into that crawlspace and don't you dare come out 'til you find a leak!" Those people had to be nuts, right? "When you get to the nuts and bolts of the matter, yes." Can you believe that? These people committed a major offense in the name of home improvements. "Caulk every hole in this house if you want to come outta this alive!" "I'll pretend I didn't hear that..." Man, if only drywall could talk... "Don't worry, I know a good speech therapist..." This crazy twosome literally held their handyman hostage! I'd do anything to find out why they went to such lengths... "You can start by sweeping the garage..." Perhaps this so-called handyman was incredibly unreliable and they reached a boiling point: "Enough is enough!" "Wasn't that a song? -- Donna Summer, I believe..." It reminds me of the guy that used to work on our house. He knew just enough to be dangerous. By the time he was through, this impostor had wreaked havoc on our master bathroom and kitchen. He pretended to know what he was doing... "Oh, so you two had a lot in common..." In a weird sort of way, I understand this couple. I feel for them -- not that I recommend kidnapping in any way... "Down deep inside, you do..." Now they face the consequences... in jail. Unfortunately, this husband-wife relationship will suffer greatly in the long-term. "Hey, in good times and in bad..." And it all stems from them trying to maintain their house by entrusting a guy with a toolbelt: "You had to insist on bamboo floors, didn't you, woman?! Bamboo floors! You'd have thought a panda bear was living here!"
"You look like you've got a lot on your mind -- go ahead, spit it out." Oh, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining; it doesn't do any good. "Still, you need to let it out..." Look, I take great pride in not being much of a complainer, if at all... "Here we go -- you're going to complain, aren't you?" Maybe just a little... You have to hear me out. "I'll probably pass out first, but go on..." I had to take my wife to the Emergency Room the other day -- it was the wee hours, actually. But more on that later... "So that was you singing Cocka-doodle-doo! -- it gets old after awhile..." My wife was in a lot of discomfort, so I told her to get checked immediately... "What a brilliant thinker you are -- she's okay, right?" Yes, she's fine now, following surgery a few days later, as it turned out... "What did doctors turn out?" I'm not going into specifics... "Oh come on, you can tell me. I'll hardly tell anyone..." I'm just glad I was there for her, in her time of need... "Which reminds me, I need you to lend me some moola..." If I may say so, I put up a brave front for my beloved as we raced to the hospital. "Thank goodness you kept your cool -- you usually become unraveled at the sight of blood while shaving." Yeah well, now I'd like to express my, uh, concerns. Not complaints -- concerns. "Oh boy, bring 'em on..." I just wish we hadn't driven so fast to the hospital -- we could've gotten a speeding ticket. "Please don't tell me you made your speed-racer wife drive. Please don't tell me." Well no, but I thought about it... "Of course you would..." Try to understand, it was way too early for me to put on my contacts; my eyes aren't accustomed to it... "Oh, you poor baby -- you should've been rushed to the hospital." I'm sorry, but my high-maintenance eyes don't make me a bad guy, okay? They don't. "Oh yes they do! -- then you should've called a taxi!" Not at their rates. "How 'bout an ambulance?" They're even more expensive -- and that's having insurance! "This is too much. There's you're wife, about to pass out from the pain and you're worried about your pretty little eyes..." Hey, it's the only pair I've got. "We are talking about your eyes, right?" Again, let me repeat myself: if I put on my contacts before a certain hour, they'll bother me the rest of the day. I'm rendered useless. "Spare us the obvious. What we want to know is, was it a boy or a girl?" It was nothing like that... "Are you sure? Cuz there's a rumor going around that you want an army of kids so you can star in your own reality show..." That's absolutely false; at least it has been for awhile... "Okay fine, so are you finally done venting?" Look, just between you and me, I wish my wife hadn't fallen ill in the middle of the night. "How inconsiderate of her..." I love my wife and everything, but I mean, a good night's sleep is important to me, too. "You are one selfish dude." Hey, I'm just trying to avoid bags under my eyes, okay? "Too late!" Really? Do you see bags?! "I see a carousel of luggage." You're joking, right? Please tell me you're joking! "How can you think this way? How can you be so vain?" Please, put yourself in my shoes for a minute... "I'd rather not, I've seen your socks -- and feet. Come on, what can possibly be more important that your wife's well-being? Please explain." Well, if you must know, I'm considering getting a state ID card, okay? I want to come out nice in the picture... "Oh well, you should've said so... Of course you want to look your best in that picture." Thanks for understanding... "Here's what you do -- you put cucumber slices on your eyes... Yeah, okay... "But be very careful; you don't want to cut yourself and then have to be driven to Emergency..."
Some things are really hard to understand; they're downright perplexing. "Like your wardrobe, you mean?" Before I begin, let's get something straight... "Fine, but let's use a ruler -- I drink a lot of caffeine." I consider myself a pretty open-minded person, progressive, somewhat intelligent... "That's stretching the truth a bit, but okay, we'll go with it..." At the same time, I see myself as somewhat old-fashioned, a romantic, if you will... "I will, if you will..." And yet, I can't wrap my head around a very strange marriage I learned about recently... "Oh, did you start watching The Kardashians?" Please believe me when I say that I'm all for everyone finding true love. "I'm sure you're lying, but continue anyway..." I truly feel deep in my heart that there's someone out there for each and every one of us. Someone... "Are you trying to set me up with one of your supposed friends again?" I'll never try that again... "'Cuz the last girl stole my wallet -- good thing it's always empty." Much to my dismay, I learned about a man that married -- are you ready for this? "Probably not." He married his pillow. His pillow! "Oh, is that all? I thought you were going to tell us something weird..." You don't think that's weird? "My definition of weird's changed a whole lot after meeting you..." Answer this for me: How in the world can a man marry a pillow?! "Maybe you should ask the happy hubby instead..." I don't know, but marrying a pillow's really, really strange, as far as I'm concerned... "When did the ceremony take place?" I'm not sure, awhile back, I think... "You think? Don't tell me you lost the invitation. You lost the invitation, didn't you? You know full well that I love weddings! We would've had a blast!" Uh, I never got an invitation... "That's 'cuz you're so cheap with wedding gifts." You're impossible to talk to... Please, somebody out there help me answer this question: What on God's green earth possesses a man to marry a pillow? I mean, what are the benefits, other than lots of hugging and squeezing -- and plenty of pillow talk. And what about putting a ring on it? How does that work? It must get very costly, a band that big... "Well, it must not be just any pillow. It's obviously very special to the guy..." How did he propose? Did this guy literally kneel on the pillow when he popped the question? "This pillow, it's made of goose feathers, right?" I don't know about that... "For the pillow's sake, it better have goose feathers..." What are you talking about? "Think about it, buddy: you take the pillow of your dreams home to mother -- and it's merely polyester. No sign of goose feathers. Talk about breaking your Mama's heart." You think so? "Oh yeah, she'll resent that pillow forever, always consider it second class..." Well, to all that I will say one thing: Hopefully, the groom looked at what's on the inside, not just what's on the outside... "In other words, 'Never judge a pillow by its cover.'" Yes, that's right... Better yet, never judge a pillow by its, uh, pillow case... "Ya had to have the final word, didn't ya, Mr. Wordsmith? Ya just had to..."
I'd like to mention something about dogs. It may be sensitive to a select many... "Well, you love dogs, right?" I enjoy dogs, yes. I'm a dog owner... "Then that's all you have to say -- bye!" If I may, I'd like to share my concern; it deals directly with dogs... "Concern? About dogs? That's not good, not good at all..." It'll only take a moment... "Okay, but first, you let your dog lick your face, right?" Actually, I don't. I've never liked that, getting licked, by my dog. I -- "You're no dog lover! I hope your dog bites you!" Wait a minute, just because I don't let my dog lick my face? Is that so wrong? "Yes, it's very wrong!" You have a right to your opinion, I guess... "Yeah, and it's the right one..." Anyway, I heard about an exercise class that includes dogs. "And? That sounds wonderful!" That's where my concern comes in: I don't want that to become a trend. "What's wrong with that?" I don't want my local gym to allow dog members -- now or for the foreseeable future, like while I'm alive. "Hater! You're a dog hater! That's what you are!" I am not. "Are, too!" Look, all I want is my space when I go to the gym, a place to blow off some steam... "I've been around your steam, and it ain't pretty..." Maybe I'm the only one, but I don't want to worry about getting chased by dogs the size of a horse while I'm in the gym. "Why not, chicken? All that running, it can be part of your cardio..." And I certainly don't want to feel obligated to pet every toy pooch that comes my way, either... "You are sooooo anti-social..." Sorry, but I don't like getting distracted during my workouts... Nothing against dogs, I swear... "We understand, you don't want to take time to, uh, spot dogs during your precious workouts..." Right, I can't take the chance to see dogs bulk up and get ripped before me... "Speaking of ripped, I'd like to right about now..." What if a dog needs help with a piece of equipment, am I supposed to help? Do I ignore it, leave it up to its master? Some dog owners are very picky that way... And another thing, will I have to carry doggy treats with me? Plastic bags? I already carry workout gloves and a water bottle... "Big wimp, you should try a baby bottle..." That's just me: I hate having anything in my pockets while I'm working out... "From what we hear, you never have much of anything in your pockets anyway..." Here's something else to consider: how's my own pet going to react when I come home smelling like the other dog? He'll think I'm being unfaithful to him. He won't trust me, he'll insist on going everywhere I go. I mean everywhere... I can't live that way! And I certainly can't toy with Rocky's emotions in that manner... That poor dog will look at me with those sad puppy eyes, barking his hairy ol' head off to no end: "I've given you the best dog years of my life -- and for what?! For the chance to see you running around with a pretty young bitch!" "Geez, you make an awfully good point..." Right? You understand what I'm saying? It'll be very awkward if dogs are let into gyms. Very awkward... "I've got it! I've got the perfect solution: Trade your dog in for a hamster -- it'll come with a treadmill already!"
I need to say this. I really, really do... I have to get this off my chest. "Don't look at me -- no way I'm helping you with a waxing! We might be friends, but I have my limits!" Uh, that's not what I'm talking about... "Oh... -- and that goes for your legs as well!" Thank you for letting me know... Now, that you're finished with your nonsense, I'd like to take this opportunity to express my feelings. I want to share my thoughts on a particular subject... "Lucky us..." I would be remiss if I didn't... "What about Miss? Miss California? Miss Hawaii? Ya gonna judge one of them hot beauty pageants?! Cool, dude! Can I go with you?! Can I?! Can I?! Can I?!" You're hearing things; there is no pageant... "Oh, that's too bad, 'cuz I hear the girls have great personalities..." What I'd like to do is discuss automated phone calls... "Uh, how interesting -- right up there with nail fungus. What can you possibly say that we don't already know about such calls -- like that they're annoying, and go on forever!" I used to think that way, but now I beg to differ. "Please, don't beg. I hate beggars -- especially when I'm enjoying an expensive coffee drink as I leave a store!" I find automated phone calls to be quite useful -- and I'm here to speak on their behalf. It's time somebody does. "I've got an idea: Why not press the pound sign and let them speak instead?!" Let's take calls from my local drugstore, for example. I look forward to those calls. "You are lonely..." It's nice to be reminded that my medication is ready... "I knew it! You are on meds! -- I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! -- and they're not helping, by the way..." Listen here, we all get sick once in awhile, okay? "Yeah, and the outcome for some of us is complete recovery!" Anyway, I used to get so sad when I heard Goodbye and then a click from automated phone calls. The end was so sudden, so abrupt. I'd be left with the want to share more with that voice on the other end. It would leave a void... I used to mope around for hours, disappointed that I didn't get to say more to that warm, friendly voice... "Okay, I'm going to say this once and only once... IT'S A MACHINE! You got that? And NO, it's not a robot that consumes adult beverages!" But you don't understand; my communication skills and overall people skills have improved so much because of automated phone calls. I've learned to be more patient thanks to the patience exhibited toward me. I mean, once upon a time, just to be mean, I'd talk while the other voice was still talking. I'd interrupt and yell -- and scream rude things at the top of my lungs. Yet, that friendly voice continued on and on, not judging me, not hanging up on me... That's a true act of kindness and understanding, don't you think? Hello...? Hello...? Can you hear me...? Are you still there...? "To have your tongue pricked with poisonous needles, press 1 now... To travel to an island inhabited by hungry cannibals, press 2 now..."
I was intrigued by a really hot guy recently... "Intrigued? By a hot guy?" Yeah, the dude was scorching hot. "Uh... does your wife know about this... guy?" Nah, I haven't bothered to tell her; I haven't had time... "Well, find the time!" Okay, okay, I'll get around to it... I tell you, I can't imagine anyone being any hotter... "Enough already! -- I'm covering my ears! Come on, you're gonna talk to your wife right now!" Why? What's the big rush? "If you don't tell her, I will -- right this minute!" But there's no reason to get worked up over this... "You're going to talk to your devoted wife about this male hottie -- and to your older kids, too! They need to hear this. For now, spare the youngest child..." Nah, I think I'll tell him too; he'll get a laugh out of it... "You are one sick dude, you know that?" Yes, I'll tell them all at the same time... "Get it over with quickly -- rip that bandage right off." I'll come right out and say it: I'll tell my family about the burglar who was disguised as the Sun. "Huh?" Thankfully, police caught the guy. "That's the hot guy you were alluding to?" Yeah, you can't get any hotter than the Sun, right? What did you think I was talking about? "Uh, never mind..." Now, while we all wonder how this burglar tried to pose as the Sun, I also ask: Why the Sun? Why not a planet? Why not Pluto?! "Watch how you say that, buddy." In my opinion, Pluto's been getting dissed for the longest time -- and it has to stop! I'm here to advocate for my pal, Pluto. "Hey, I thought I was your pal!" You are. I just thought I'd throw in a little alliteration... "And now it's my turn -- to throw a not-so-little punch at your face! How dare you toy with our friendship!" First off, I took great umbrage when Pluto was no longer called a planet. "That reminds me, I borrowed your umbrella..." Why can't Pluto be a planet? It's a classic case of picking on the little guy, er, planet, er, whatever it is these days... In my opinion, the Sun's been getting too much attention for the longest time. Share the wealth, no? "In other words, every planet deserves a moment in the Sun..." Uh, yeah... To all of the folks out there -- burglars included -- the Sun does us a lot of good, but let's not forget the rest of the solar system. The Sun is essential for our survival, yes, but it causes a lot of damage, too. "Sure, blame the Sun for those impressive crow's feet..." I'm here to remind everyone that the Sun's not just a giant star with smiley face and sunglasses! "Sun should sue you for slander!" Getting back to the burglar, I could never disguise myself as the Sun; I'd get blisters -- or a horrible rash. In fact, I have one under my -- "How 'bout them Dodgers?" Heat does that to me. It affects me in so many ways... "That includes your brain, obviously..." Since you're here, I might as well tell you about the time I got a brutal sunburn. About the only part of me that didn't get burned was -- "Leave that for the book. It'll be a bestseller, I'm sure..."
