I got an erroneous e-mail the other day -- I'm pretty sure it was erroneous. "Or maybe it was just sent to you by mistake..." The e-mail said something about alcohol rehab. "Well, now that you've brought it up, we've been meaning to talk to you..." Hey, as far as I know, I don't need any sort of rehab that involves alcohol. That's ridiculous... "That's what they all say..." What are you trying to say? "Just continue, please..." Yes, I will... Uh, anyway... Okay, so maybe I do use alcohol a bit more than in the past, but for good reason. "Aha! -- I knew it!" Let me explain: you see, I'm getting more aches and pains as I grow older... "That's no excuse for you to need alcohol to get through the day!" Look, in no way, shape, or form do I think rubbing alcohol's becoming an issue... "Uh... what kind of alcohol?" Rubbing alcohol... Why, what were you talking about? "Never mind, go on..." Like I was saying, these days I'm having to rely more and more on rubbing alcohol for various ailments. "You sure you're not overdoing it with the strong stuff?" I'm confident that I'm using alcohol from my local drug store in an appropriate manner. "If you say so..." Not that I need to, but I can quit rubbing alcohol anytime I want. "We don't believe you..." Yeah, I can always use my mom's home remedies; they always seem to help... "Without the use of alcohol?" Yeah, take Swimmers Ear, for example. "You know how to swim? -- you don't even have a pool. Actually, our association has a pool; it's very nice. It -- would you stop distracting me?! "Sorry about that, go on..." My mother puts spit in my ear whenever water gets trapped in the ear canal. "Spit? -- as in saliva?!" Sure, and it doesn't even hurt. "That's gross!" No, just awfully warm-- and it gets the water out. "I can't believe you're admitting this. You, a grown man let your mother put saliva in your ear..." That's right... "And your wife knows about this?" Sure. She also knows about the one where tomato-soaked newspaper's wrapped around my feet to bring down a fever... "Might as well make dinner while you're at it..." However, that remedy's a whole lot riskier: Heaven help anyone that gets the sports section before I've had a chance to read it...
I hate to reveal this, but... I received what many consider hate mail the other day. "I hate when that happens." I'd barely read the subject line when I became incensed by the audacity of the question it posed... "You shouldn't get mad -- get even!" Yeah well, that sounds like good advice right about now. "And we won't even charge you for it..." Just so everyone knows, I can smell sinister e-mails from a mile away, so I didn't bother to open it... "Oh. Maybe you should've..." What for? I'm not going to waste my time and energy on such things... "Just replenish it with an energy drink." All I read was something to the effect of: Do you suffer from chronic back or neck pain? Of course not! Everybody knows full well that I suffer from no such maladies! "We didn't know..." The way I took it, some cyber bully's letting me know that I'll soon be suffering from such pain... "Are you sure you're not jumping to conclusions?" I never jump to conclusions! "Good to know..." Come on, coward -- come out, come out, whoever you are! Show your face! "But what if he's ugly?" I demand to know why physical harm's being directed at my lean and supple body. I mean, have I ever wronged an innocent soul? Have I ever teased a geographic illiterate for thinking Michigan's peninsulas are two separate states?! "But aren't they?" Pity the fool that's trying to scare me because I laugh at professional wrestling (I wouldn't be caught dead at one of those silly matches). "You know it's real, right? Those guys aren't faking it..." I'm curious to know who I rubbed the wrong way along the way... "There's no way of knowing..." Maybe it was a bitter chiropractor who calls himself a medical doctor -- but knows he isn't! "That's not your fault!" Look, I'm a good citizen, okay? I smile at people -- unless they steal my parking spot. I donate to good causes -- mainly the cable company that covers my beloved sports teams. I don't throw eggs at neighbors' houses -- unless they give out stale candy at Halloween! Need I say more? "No need, no..." I'm a likeable, loveable sort! "Sure sounds like it..." Yeah, so whoever's out there wishing harm to my beloved back and neck better stop it, right now, right this minute! "Hey, there's a guy at the door looking for you, guy named Guido." Tell him I'm not home -- tell him I went to a wrestling match!
Is America a great country or what? "Boy, do I hate trick questions..." Just answer the question, please... "I suppose America's great -- as long as you don't anger the IRS..." I just want to remind people that in the United States we're encouraged to express our opinions on everything. I mean, here in the land of red-white-and blue there are polls for just about everything... "There sure are: poles for traffic lights, fire stations, talented young dancers..." No, no, no, I'm not talking about those kinds of poles. "Maybe you should..." I'd rather not. What I'm talking about are polls -- polls. You know, where you're asked about things. You vote, compare your opinions to those of other pollsters... "Repeat that -- my mind's somewhere else..." I can only imagine where... "I thought I had more singles in my pocket..." Anyway, awhile back there was a poll that asked women if they found zombies attractive. "Say what?! -- What about me, ladies?! I'm quite the catch!" Unfortunately, it's not about you. It's all about the zombies. "They're taking over our world! -- a man's world! "What do zombies have that I don't have?!" Now you understand why I found that poll to be very, very disturbing. For women to actually take the time to participate in a zombie poll is not a good sign for us guys. "It's a terrible sign!" But I have one thing to say, ladies: Don't come crying back to us gents when you realize that zombies are emotionally detached. "What? -- what's detached?!" Through the years, guys have made great strides in getting in touch with their feelings -- and for what?! "Women are kicking us to the curb!" So many women complain that we're slobs, that fashion-wise we're so out-of-touch. Well, what about zombies? -- They're a bloody, unkempt mess! "Why, I bet they don't even use deodorant -- spray nor roll-on!" That, I haven't researched, but I wouldn't put anything past those hairy things, the zombies... "So now what do we do?" Men, there's only one thing we can do: we have to look out for each other, have each other's backs... "That's a brilliant idea -- what does that mean?" Well, we have to lend each other support. Especially now that women have options, specifically zombies. "I don't like this, I don't like this at all!" We're in trouble, fellas... Our prospects are dead -- sorry I said that -- if we don't get our act together -- and fast. Before you know it, the male species will be phased out. We'll become extinct, like the dinosaur. "I don't wanna be extinct -- that'll stink!" I hate to think about it, but think about it: the next poll's going to ask women something even more disturbing -- How sexy are amoebas? "Oh, that's not so bad. Amoebas are no threat to my buddies and me..." Yeah well, you won't say that once I share my trips down to Mexico...
I don't know about you guys, but I don't like surprises. "Ooh, I absolutely love surprises!" Yeah well, that makes one of us... "And who would that be?" Look, maybe some of you out there won't agree with me, but I don't like the unexpected. "That's to be expected..." Sorry, but that's just me, that's the way I roll. "Downhill, we assume..." I don't like surprises, I've always been that way. "Well, there goes that idea for a surprise party..." It's especially stressful when it comes to surprise visitors: Knock. Knock. Yes, I'll admit it: when there's an unexpected knock at the door, I tell the kids to hide -- in the fridge if necessary -- and to not make a sound. "That's cold, man. Really, really cold..." Please, bear with me as I share a story about a bear that entered a home uninvited. "Oh, I love 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears' -- it's one of my favorites!" No, well, this actually happened. It's a true story... "What are you saying? What happened to Goldi?! -- What did you do to her?!" Uh, Goldilocks doesn't exist. She's a made-up character... "How dare you say that! Take it back! Take it all back!" Uh, okay, fine... Goldilocks is living a very happy life. "That's better..." Yeah, she married one of the Chicago Bears and now they're living in Big Bear Lake, California. "As long as they know how to swim, fine..." There, now are you satisfied? "Thank you, I love happy endings..." If I may, I'd like to continue with the story... "Yes, you were saying something about a cute 'n cuddly door-knocking bear..." Well, I don't know if it actually knocked, but the bear entered the property and made itself at home. "Maybe it was looking for porridge -- or a bed to sleep in." Bingo! That's exactly why I tell my kids to make their beds everyday, to make sure the house is clean at all times. But do they listen to me? "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening -- what were you were saying?" The lesson to be learned here is that you never know who's going to drop by, so keep your place clean at all times. Don't get caught with your pants down... "That's why I wear a belt." No, it's just a saying, in this case about surprise guests... "I'd have to guess one to three bears..." Of course, the kids downplay everything I tell them: "Oh, Dad, nobody's coming over, so why clean the house?" Maybe I care too much about what others think -- especially furry friends -- but I dread the thought of a bear -- any bear -- going back to its cave with ideas that we're a messy family. I wouldn't want to be the cause of a mortified, traumatized bear. I mean, I can already hear it griping to its cubs: "You should've seen it, all the beds unmade -- they live like animals!"
I don't feel safe. I'm always looking over my shoulder. "Have you tried turning around?" I'm not kidding. I'm really scared. "Then go hire a bodyguard." That's ridiculous. Why would I do that? "Cuz you're a scaredy cat." Excuse me? "You just said that you're utterly scared." I'm not utterly anything. I'm just scared, that's all -- and that doesn't mean I need to hire a bodyguard. "Just trying to help..." Yeah well, please stop trying... "You're so ungrateful. I bet you don't have many friends..." Why would you say that? Why are you attacking me?! "I'm not attacking you! And if I was, I'd suggest that you call your bodyguard." For the last time, I don't have a bodyguard -- I don't need a bodyguard! "Fine. But those that feel threatened tend to hire bodyguards." I must admit, I do feel threatened... "You must've done something horrible to require a bodyguard." I didn't do anything horrible! "That's not what I've heard." What?! What have you heard? "Oh nothing, nothing at all..." Hey, if it's about that goat on New Year's Eve, it wasn't a real goat -- it was a piñata! "Sure, okay..." Can we start over, please? "Yes, let's..." Look, I merely made a comment about not feeling safe because a New Mexico inmate broke out of jail with the use of popsicle sticks. "Good thing you don't live in New Mexico." That could happen anywhere. The simple truth's that our neighborhoods are no longer safe. "You're right -- what flavor was the popsicle?" Who cares?! How would I know?! "You seem to know everything..." Popsicle flavors are the least of our worries in these situations, don't you think? "Not if your tastebuds are picky..." What's our nation's jail system coming to if someone can escape with the help of mere popsicle sticks! "It's a scary thought. It truly is..." I told ya. It's hard to get my head around the thought that inmates are skipping prison so easily. "He probably threatened the guards with artificial flavors..." That's scary in itself... "I really hope the guy suffered brain freeze prior to escaping..." You know, sometimes you come up with the strangest ideas... "I'll take that as a compliment..." Only you would... "I bet Harry Houdini would've loved this escape artist." You'd have to ask him. "Say, I wonder what the guy did to be rewarded with a popsicle treat in the first place..." For once he was probably on his best behavior. Next thing you know, jail wardens will hand out scratch 'n sniff stickers to felons... "In that case, keep me posted -- my favorite's cherry!"
They sure don't make deer like they used to. "Did you say beer?" I said deer. I was so, so disappointed to read about several misbehaving deer that are roaming this great land of ours. Especially right now, during the holiday season. "Shouldn't that be deers?" Uh, no. The plural of deer is... deer. "Are you sure, dear?" Yes, my delightful dear, without a doubt... "Sorry, my darling DEAR, but I do dare disagree!" Fine, do as you wish. "I always do, dear! -- and if I had any say, I'd spell that with two ee's!!!" Look, I just want everybody to know that a deer stole cigarettes from a group of unsuspecting men. "Isn't that harmful to one's health?" It proceeded to chew on all of them. "The cigarettes or the men?" I'll let you figure it out. "Oh, so now I have to finish your stories. Talk about being lazy..." Then, there was a deer that tried to, uh, initiate a romantic relationship with a startled cow, if you know what I mean. "I'm not sure. Are there pictures to better illustrate your point?" I hope not. And finally, there's another deer that attacked a political sign on a front lawn over and over again. "Oh dear -- Republican or Democrat?" I'd rather not go there. "Where?" Please, let's not turn this into a political statement... "You forgot to vote, didn't you? And you call yourself an American..." Can we get back to my story?! -- and yes I did vote! "You know, for being a so-called storyteller, you don't have much to say..." Anyway, my original point was that I don't know what's come over deers, uh, deer these days. I just don't have a clue. Do you? "Don't ask us -- it's your story." Well, what I'd like to do right now is to remind all the deer out there to behave appropriately. "You mean like human beings so often fail to do..." Yes -- no! You know what I mean! "I wish I did, really..." Right now, during this holiday season is when deer should be at their cordial best. They shouldn't be causing trouble for anybody. "Maybe you should listen to your own advice..." Hello! Children love deer, they fawn all over them, for goodness sake! "And I suggest that you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why..." You mean, you mean, a very special visitor's coming to town?! "Yeah, and if you continue with that attitude, he's gonna introduce you to Rudolph's very sharp antlers!" You'd like that wouldn't you? "Yes. It's at the top of my wish list."
I was very disturbed to hear about a home break-in recently. "Oh no, was the house wiped clean?" Well no, but... "Were very personal belongings taken from the house?" No, but one particular item was tampered with in a very grotesque manner... "How gross, I'm so sorry to hear that..." Yeah well, there's no name for what happened inside that home. "By the way, what is your name?" I'd rather not say... "Fine, be that way..." Please, let's get back to the break-in, okay? "Yes, let's..." Where was I? "You're right here -- and you were about to share something gross." Oh yes... gruesomely gross... To be perfectly honest, I'm at a loss for words... "Please, try to find them, since we've come this far." I tell ya, it was sacrilegious what went on in that house one fateful night. It was not your typical break-in... "Fine, tell us what happened!" I don't think I should. I'm afraid that copycats will follow. "Please, pretty please -- with a perfectly purple pitted prune on top!" Okay, if you insist... "That, we do. We really, really do..." Well, neighbors noticed suspicious activity going on at one particular house. "Hey, that sounds like my house!" Well, police arrived and caught a guy doing something really, really sick. "Is this going to make me sick?" This individual, he, he -- you won't believe what the cops found him doing. "Don't tell me." Okay, I won't. "No, I meant 'Don't tell me' to encourage you to tell me!" Uh, you're getting me confused... "Just say what you have to say, will ya?!" Thank you, I will. But first, let's make sure there aren't any impressionable young children around. We don't want them getting any ideas... "Okay, the coast is clear." Now, this guy, the break-in artist, he -- he was caught licking something near and dear to every man's heart! "No!" Yes! -- he was licking the remote control! "The what?!" You heard -- the remote control! "Say it ain't so!" I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but -- yes! Police caught this sub species, this animal slobbering all over the remote control! "You're sure it's the TV remote?" Why do you doubt me?! It controls the oversized flat screen mounted to the wall. "Oh no, not the man cave! Not the man cave!" We have to assume so, yes. Why else would the story be all over the news? "That's pathetic. A good-for-nothing trespasser leaving his saliva on man's best friend..." I tell ya, what's this world coming to? "To a bitter end, that's what!" Never again will I look at my remote control in quite the same way. This is devastating. I may never recover... "Does that mean you'll stop watching sports forever? No more Dodgers? No more Lakers?" Well... "Let's tell your wife the great news!" Uh... Outta my way! -- I'm trying to change channels before tipoff!
