Some things are really hard to understand; they're downright perplexing. "Like your wardrobe, you mean?" Before I begin, let's get something straight... "Fine, but let's use a ruler -- I drink a lot of caffeine." I consider myself a pretty open-minded person, progressive, somewhat intelligent... "That's stretching the truth a bit, but okay, we'll go with it..." At the same time, I see myself as somewhat old-fashioned, a romantic, if you will... "I will, if you will..." And yet, I can't wrap my head around a very strange marriage I learned about recently... "Oh, did you start watching The Kardashians?" Please believe me when I say that I'm all for everyone finding true love. "I'm sure you're lying, but continue anyway..." I truly feel deep in my heart that there's someone out there for each and every one of us. Someone... "Are you trying to set me up with one of your supposed friends again?" I'll never try that again... "'Cuz the last girl stole my wallet -- good thing it's always empty." Much to my dismay, I learned about a man that married -- are you ready for this? "Probably not." He married his pillow. His pillow! "Oh, is that all? I thought you were going to tell us something weird..." You don't think that's weird? "My definition of weird's changed a whole lot after meeting you..." Answer this for me: How in the world can a man marry a pillow?! "Maybe you should ask the happy hubby instead..." I don't know, but marrying a pillow's really, really strange, as far as I'm concerned... "When did the ceremony take place?" I'm not sure, awhile back, I think... "You think? Don't tell me you lost the invitation. You lost the invitation, didn't you? You know full well that I love weddings! We would've had a blast!" Uh, I never got an invitation... "That's 'cuz you're so cheap with wedding gifts." You're impossible to talk to... Please, somebody out there help me answer this question: What on God's green earth possesses a man to marry a pillow? I mean, what are the benefits, other than lots of hugging and squeezing -- and plenty of pillow talk. And what about putting a ring on it? How does that work? It must get very costly, a band that big... "Well, it must not be just any pillow. It's obviously very special to the guy..." How did he propose? Did this guy literally kneel on the pillow when he popped the question? "This pillow, it's made of goose feathers, right?" I don't know about that... "For the pillow's sake, it better have goose feathers..." What are you talking about? "Think about it, buddy: you take the pillow of your dreams home to mother -- and it's merely polyester. No sign of goose feathers. Talk about breaking your Mama's heart." You think so? "Oh yeah, she'll resent that pillow forever, always consider it second class..." Well, to all that I will say one thing: Hopefully, the groom looked at what's on the inside, not just what's on the outside... "In other words, 'Never judge a pillow by its cover.'" Yes, that's right... Better yet, never judge a pillow by its, uh, pillow case... "Ya had to have the final word, didn't ya, Mr. Wordsmith? Ya just had to..."
I'd like to mention something about dogs. It may be sensitive to a select many... "Well, you love dogs, right?" I enjoy dogs, yes. I'm a dog owner... "Then that's all you have to say -- bye!" If I may, I'd like to share my concern; it deals directly with dogs... "Concern? About dogs? That's not good, not good at all..." It'll only take a moment... "Okay, but first, you let your dog lick your face, right?" Actually, I don't. I've never liked that, getting licked, by my dog. I -- "You're no dog lover! I hope your dog bites you!" Wait a minute, just because I don't let my dog lick my face? Is that so wrong? "Yes, it's very wrong!" You have a right to your opinion, I guess... "Yeah, and it's the right one..." Anyway, I heard about an exercise class that includes dogs. "And? That sounds wonderful!" That's where my concern comes in: I don't want that to become a trend. "What's wrong with that?" I don't want my local gym to allow dog members -- now or for the foreseeable future, like while I'm alive. "Hater! You're a dog hater! That's what you are!" I am not. "Are, too!" Look, all I want is my space when I go to the gym, a place to blow off some steam... "I've been around your steam, and it ain't pretty..." Maybe I'm the only one, but I don't want to worry about getting chased by dogs the size of a horse while I'm in the gym. "Why not, chicken? All that running, it can be part of your cardio..." And I certainly don't want to feel obligated to pet every toy pooch that comes my way, either... "You are sooooo anti-social..." Sorry, but I don't like getting distracted during my workouts... Nothing against dogs, I swear... "We understand, you don't want to take time to, uh, spot dogs during your precious workouts..." Right, I can't take the chance to see dogs bulk up and get ripped before me... "Speaking of ripped, I'd like to right about now..." What if a dog needs help with a piece of equipment, am I supposed to help? Do I ignore it, leave it up to its master? Some dog owners are very picky that way... And another thing, will I have to carry doggy treats with me? Plastic bags? I already carry workout gloves and a water bottle... "Big wimp, you should try a baby bottle..." That's just me: I hate having anything in my pockets while I'm working out... "From what we hear, you never have much of anything in your pockets anyway..." Here's something else to consider: how's my own pet going to react when I come home smelling like the other dog? He'll think I'm being unfaithful to him. He won't trust me, he'll insist on going everywhere I go. I mean everywhere... I can't live that way! And I certainly can't toy with Rocky's emotions in that manner... That poor dog will look at me with those sad puppy eyes, barking his hairy ol' head off to no end: "I've given you the best dog years of my life -- and for what?! For the chance to see you running around with a pretty young bitch!" "Geez, you make an awfully good point..." Right? You understand what I'm saying? It'll be very awkward if dogs are let into gyms. Very awkward... "I've got it! I've got the perfect solution: Trade your dog in for a hamster -- it'll come with a treadmill already!"
I need to say this. I really, really do... I have to get this off my chest. "Don't look at me -- no way I'm helping you with a waxing! We might be friends, but I have my limits!" Uh, that's not what I'm talking about... "Oh... -- and that goes for your legs as well!" Thank you for letting me know... Now, that you're finished with your nonsense, I'd like to take this opportunity to express my feelings. I want to share my thoughts on a particular subject... "Lucky us..." I would be remiss if I didn't... "What about Miss? Miss California? Miss Hawaii? Ya gonna judge one of them hot beauty pageants?! Cool, dude! Can I go with you?! Can I?! Can I?! Can I?!" You're hearing things; there is no pageant... "Oh, that's too bad, 'cuz I hear the girls have great personalities..." What I'd like to do is discuss automated phone calls... "Uh, how interesting -- right up there with nail fungus. What can you possibly say that we don't already know about such calls -- like that they're annoying, and go on forever!" I used to think that way, but now I beg to differ. "Please, don't beg. I hate beggars -- especially when I'm enjoying an expensive coffee drink as I leave a store!" I find automated phone calls to be quite useful -- and I'm here to speak on their behalf. It's time somebody does. "I've got an idea: Why not press the pound sign and let them speak instead?!" Let's take calls from my local drugstore, for example. I look forward to those calls. "You are lonely..." It's nice to be reminded that my medication is ready... "I knew it! You are on meds! -- I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! -- and they're not helping, by the way..." Listen here, we all get sick once in awhile, okay? "Yeah, and the outcome for some of us is complete recovery!" Anyway, I used to get so sad when I heard Goodbye and then a click from automated phone calls. The end was so sudden, so abrupt. I'd be left with the want to share more with that voice on the other end. It would leave a void... I used to mope around for hours, disappointed that I didn't get to say more to that warm, friendly voice... "Okay, I'm going to say this once and only once... IT'S A MACHINE! You got that? And NO, it's not a robot that consumes adult beverages!" But you don't understand; my communication skills and overall people skills have improved so much because of automated phone calls. I've learned to be more patient thanks to the patience exhibited toward me. I mean, once upon a time, just to be mean, I'd talk while the other voice was still talking. I'd interrupt and yell -- and scream rude things at the top of my lungs. Yet, that friendly voice continued on and on, not judging me, not hanging up on me... That's a true act of kindness and understanding, don't you think? Hello...? Hello...? Can you hear me...? Are you still there...? "To have your tongue pricked with poisonous needles, press 1 now... To travel to an island inhabited by hungry cannibals, press 2 now..."
I was intrigued by a really hot guy recently... "Intrigued? By a hot guy?" Yeah, the dude was scorching hot. "Uh... does your wife know about this... guy?" Nah, I haven't bothered to tell her; I haven't had time... "Well, find the time!" Okay, okay, I'll get around to it... I tell you, I can't imagine anyone being any hotter... "Enough already! -- I'm covering my ears! Come on, you're gonna talk to your wife right now!" Why? What's the big rush? "If you don't tell her, I will -- right this minute!" But there's no reason to get worked up over this... "You're going to talk to your devoted wife about this male hottie -- and to your older kids, too! They need to hear this. For now, spare the youngest child..." Nah, I think I'll tell him too; he'll get a laugh out of it... "You are one sick dude, you know that?" Yes, I'll tell them all at the same time... "Get it over with quickly -- rip that bandage right off." I'll come right out and say it: I'll tell my family about the burglar who was disguised as the Sun. "Huh?" Thankfully, police caught the guy. "That's the hot guy you were alluding to?" Yeah, you can't get any hotter than the Sun, right? What did you think I was talking about? "Uh, never mind..." Now, while we all wonder how this burglar tried to pose as the Sun, I also ask: Why the Sun? Why not a planet? Why not Pluto?! "Watch how you say that, buddy." In my opinion, Pluto's been getting dissed for the longest time -- and it has to stop! I'm here to advocate for my pal, Pluto. "Hey, I thought I was your pal!" You are. I just thought I'd throw in a little alliteration... "And now it's my turn -- to throw a not-so-little punch at your face! How dare you toy with our friendship!" First off, I took great umbrage when Pluto was no longer called a planet. "That reminds me, I borrowed your umbrella..." Why can't Pluto be a planet? It's a classic case of picking on the little guy, er, planet, er, whatever it is these days... In my opinion, the Sun's been getting too much attention for the longest time. Share the wealth, no? "In other words, every planet deserves a moment in the Sun..." Uh, yeah... To all of the folks out there -- burglars included -- the Sun does us a lot of good, but let's not forget the rest of the solar system. The Sun is essential for our survival, yes, but it causes a lot of damage, too. "Sure, blame the Sun for those impressive crow's feet..." I'm here to remind everyone that the Sun's not just a giant star with smiley face and sunglasses! "Sun should sue you for slander!" Getting back to the burglar, I could never disguise myself as the Sun; I'd get blisters -- or a horrible rash. In fact, I have one under my -- "How 'bout them Dodgers?" Heat does that to me. It affects me in so many ways... "That includes your brain, obviously..." Since you're here, I might as well tell you about the time I got a brutal sunburn. About the only part of me that didn't get burned was -- "Leave that for the book. It'll be a bestseller, I'm sure..."
Well, it's that time of year again... "Time to shampoo the rug, huh? Sometimes you gotta wonder if having a dog's worth all the trouble..." I was talking about summer... "Well, that's a good thing, right? No school or homework, you get to sleep in late..." I guess... "You guess? There is no time of year like summer!" I suppose... "Yeah, suppose I'm right." I was doing some reading on adult summer camps; I understand they're popping up all over Southern California and Hawaii... "We're going to Hawaii?! Yay!" Uh, hold on to your hula skirt, buddy. All I said is there's summer camps for adults... "You mean a camp where there's no kids in sight?" That's right. These camps are gaining populari -- "I wanna go! I wanna go!" Yeah well, maybe you do, but I don't. "Come on, adult summer camps sound like a lot of fun. It's a chance to relive your youth. Don't you want to relive your youth, back when you were hanging out with Benjamin Franklin?" Not really... "Man, you're no fun." Camps just aren't my thing, never have been... ""Tell you what, pal, I'll ask for you. I'll ask your wife for permission to let you go to one of those big-boy camps. We'll go together." Let's get one thing straight: I don't have to ask my wife for permission to go anywhere! "Okay, sure. I'll be sure to tell her that." Uh, I'd rather you not... In fact, I'd like to keep it quiet about these camps. Knowing my wife, she'd reserve a spot for me first chance she got. "Sorry, no comprende. So, what's the problem then? Don't you want to get away for a few days?" I don't know... I just don't want to be pressured into doing something I don't want to do. "Pressured? What's there not to like? Have a little fun in the sun... Did you ever go to camp as a kid?" Not exactly... "That means 'no.' Why don't you want to go to camp?" Well, it's kind of hard to explain... "Wait a minute -- you're afraid you'll get homesick, huh? Big baby!" No... "They have names for guys like you, you know that? -- and they're not very nice!" Okay, okay, so maybe I would get a little homesick -- but not that much. Just a little... "It's cool, we believe you." You don't believe me. "We do, we really, really -- okay, we don't." Look, I hear that at summer camp they make you do all sorts of dumb stuff. "Yeah, and you're dumb -- it's a perfect match!" I hear they paint your face at these camps. "And since when are you against that?" For your information, that was a long time ago... "Let me guess: 'It was just a phase...'" Beside, face paint makes me break out. "And that would be an improvement, right?" Then there's those water balloon games they play... "Those are fun." Yes, but getting hit by one of those things really hurts. I don't like to feel pain. It's painful... "So you'll tell them to underhand the water balloons at you." I guess I could do that... Can I tell you something? "If it's about growing a pair -- of ears -- to listen to my advice, yes!" Back when I was a kid, I dreaded staying over other people's homes. Nothing personal, but I was never the type to want to stay overnight... "Why, were you afraid you'd miss your mommy and daddy?" No... "You're not very convincing, you know that?" Man, you read me like a book... Yeah, I guess I was afraid they wouldn't return for me... "And I wouldn't have blamed them!" That hurts. That really, really hurts... "I just hope you consider going to summer camp someday. It'll be good for you..." I'll go one of these years, I promise. But only under one condition... "You name it. Anything." Promise not to laugh? "Promise." I'll only go away to camp if I'm able to take my teddy bear... "How you ever found a wife, I'll never know..."
It's that time again. "Christmas already? I haven't even paid off last year's gifts!" No, not that. What I mean is, it's time to worry. "Coming from you, that's a shocker." You see -- "No, I DON'T see. I don't want to see anything that has to do with you!" -- I received an e-mail about a felon living in my neighborhood. "Who's the felon?" I didn't open the e-mail. "You didn't open it?! Are you that way with presents? If you are, I'll be happy to open them for you! -- and keep 'em for myself!" I'll take that into consideration, thank you... Anyway, the felon tip was very helpful as it reminded me to watch my neighbors differently from now on... "How's that, with one eye instead of two?" I don't know when exactly the supposed felon came into our neighborhood, so all I'll have to assume everybody's committed a felony until I find out who it is. "But that's not fair to your neighbors! What about presumed innocence?" Sorry, I can't take any chances. The fact is, at one point a neighbor broke the law in a very serious manner. "You can't live that way, eyeing those around you in a suspicious way." It won't be for long; only until I find out who the felon is... "But you live in a nice community, a gated community." And that concerns me: a felon lives comfortably amongst us -- behind bars. He feels right at home! "How do you know it's a he?" You're right, I mustn't assume. For all I know, the felon's a she. And that's why I've decided to put on my detective hat. "That's quite a big hat." For the good of the community, I'm going to expose this felon. "Are you sure you're up to it?" Sure, I'm sure. I'm fully qualified. "How so?" Well, I've watched plenty of crime shows in my time, dating back to Charlie's Angels. "Gee, I wonder why that program..." I even watched the Sherlock Holmes movies just to brush up on my sleuth skills. "You sure you don't mean sloth?" As a matter of fact, I have a growing list of suspicious people I'm keeping an extra close watch on... "Oh, that's no way to talk about your wife." No, not her -- she passed the background check. And the lie detector test. "Yeah, well, you may want to dig a little deeper..." For example, I have this neighbor who has the same light on every night..."Every night?" Every night... "And it's the same light?!" Yes! "Man, if I were you, I'd march right over and handcuff the culprit myself!" I'm tempted to, but then I have this other neighbor; one day she casually mentioned that she's going to have a baby. "Okay..." Next thing we know, she has the kid -- nine months later. "Aha!" How convenient. "Huh, that does sound suspicious..." Yeah, right? Then I have this other neighbor down the street, he leaves his house every morning at the exact same time.... "You don't say..." Wait, there's more: he returns home every evening at the exact same time, too! "Very interesting..." I bet he's doing that to throw us all off... "I really think you're onto something. You were born to do this sort of stuff!" I tell you, I have a bunch of suspicious neighbors... "Maybe they're all felons!" Maybe... "Well, whatever you do, don't go snooping around my neighborhood..." Why not? "Oh, I'm just messing with you..." Why'd you say that? "Oh, no reason..." I'm curious, buddy -- why? Do you have a shady past? "Who, me? -- nah..." Are you sure? "I'll see you around, okay? -- I'm gonna go look for some shade." Hey, come back here! Stop! Where do you live again?!
A friend of mine recently became a grandpa for the very first time. "That's awesome. What's her name?" His name shall remain private... "Well then, congratulations go out to Grandpa Private -- who unfortunately never made it to Corporal." Okay... My friend's entrance into Grandpahood reminds me of a couple of grandpas out there. "Where?" I don't remember where. It doesn't really matter. "It does if you want to find your way home..." Anyway, I read about a couple of grandpas somewhere out there who are all into bodybuilding. "Wow, a couple of real Dr. Frankensteins..." No, no, let me explain: these senior citizens work on their own bodies. They pump up their physiques. You know, at the gym. "Oh, okay -- I don't go to the gym. Too much fungus hiding out in nooks and grannies." You mean crannies. "Thanks for speaking on my behalf." Look, not to rain on anyone's parade, but I'm not too sure about bodybuilding grandpas... "Rain? I just washed my car!" That's beside the point. "But I never wash my car!" These fitness freak grandpas, bless their souls, I'm afraid they're going to set a bad precedent. "How dare you talk about our president that way! -- Have some respect!" Look, I work out right now, trying to stay fit. "Could've fooled me..." I spend countless hours at the gym every week. "Uh, if that's what you tell your wife, fine. We'll play along..." Look, I'm going to be frank with you. "Okay... Frank. All we ask for is complete honesty... " I don't want to drag my tired old bones to the gym when I'm a grandpa -- many years from now. I want to stay home and do nothing, just nap all day. "But you do that already." Sure, I'll play with the grandkids for a little while... Then I'll send them home when they get hungry or need changing. "Oh, you'll be one of those grandpas, afraid to get your hands dirty..." Wait, now that I think about it, I will work out in my golden years -- I'll be working out my vocal chords as I yell at bratty kids to stay off my lawn -- unless they're mowing it! "Hater!" I tell you, someone's got to put a stop to those bodybuilding grandfathers -- now! They're pressuring the rest of us guys to stay in shape our entire lives. "But that's a good thing..." Think about it: we'll have to wear extra tight T-shirts when we're old and wrinkled. "Thanks for the visual..." We'd have to walk around flexing all day -- God only knows what it'd do to my insides. "You don't stop, do you?" I can't be more emphatic than this: protein shakes are not what I plan to drown in when I'm an old goat. "What will you prefer, whole milk or soy?" You heard it here first: senior men will be coerced into bland boring diets that increase their mass... "Going to mass a little more often never killed anybody..." When I'm old and gray, the only time I want to watch my diet's when I'm shoving it in my mouth! An old man should have the right to eat anything he wants. He shouldn't have to worry about amino acids! "But how do you really feel?" The only acid I'm gonna care about -- "Careful. The DEA might read this." -- is acid reflux!
