I guess I'll never learn: I took a quick peek at something that appeared to be spam the other day. "I've never liked spam. I much prefer ham." No, no, I'm not talking about that kind of spam. I'm talking about electronic spam. "Can't say I've tried it. Sounds difficult to digest..." No, I mean spam found in your computer, in your e-mail... "Oh, that kind of spam. You should've said so..." I tried, but you weren't listening. "It's not the first time -- nor the last..." Getting back to the subject line, it read: Remember me? I've got some bad news... While I didn't open the enticing e-mail, those few words caused me an anxious moment. "You have anxiety attacks?" I wouldn't go that far. "I'll go farther -- they're panic attacks. What is it you did that's such bad news?" All I can think of is that maybe I've been referred to collections. "Shame on you, you financial fraud!" You see, as a kid, I never paid for a certain magazine subscription... "This magazine, did it have pictures of people in great physical shape?" Yeah, football. "Oh..." But that bill, I claim ignorance. "You should do that more often." How was I supposed to know I had to mail that money order! I bought it, I just never sent it. "What's a money order?" My dad begged me to pay the outstanding balance, but I never listened... "And you call yourself a good son..." It's not that bad, is it? It was just a few dollars. "Just a few dollars? Do you know what Third World countries would do for that dough?" Can we change the topic, please? I'm getting stressed over something that may not even be... "Be what?" Maybe this so-called 'bad news' stems from the time in elementary school when I threw rocks at a certain girl (That was my way of showing girls I cared a lot about them.). "Tell us more about those rocks -- were they insidious or metamorphic?" I'm not sure, but I let rocks fly on that last day of school -- "Have a great summer!" -- with good intentions. I never saw the target of my affections again. "What if one of those rocks hit that poor girl and changed her life forever -- she's returned seeking revenge. Maybe that's the bad news." Gee, I hope not. I didn't mean to hurt her... "Yeah, I'm sure that e-mail's from her..." You think? "Positive. I bet she played in the National Football League, but wants to blame you for her post concussion syndrome." I didn't give her a concussion. "She failed against the NFL's lawyers, so she's come back to squeeze a few bucks out of you..." Come on, she never played football. "We know your type, powerful and sturdy. Strong as a country ox..." I swear, I've never been attracted to girls that resemble a football player -- nor oxen. "That's not what we hear..." Who's we? Tell me who -- okay, okay, I admit it! There was a time in my life when I had a thing for girls and cleats -- and eye black. But that was ages ago. A lifetime... "That's alright, buddy... Don't cry... We're not here to judge... Whatever floats your boat..."
I was surprised to learn the other day that Kim Kardashian's decided to stop signing autographs... "That is surprising, that you have the ability to learn..." Here we go, off to another rocky start... "Okay, I'll behave. Who's this Kim Karwashian person anyway? -- she a guy or a girl?" Kim Kardashian's a girl -- trust me. "Are you sure?" Positive. "There's guys named Kim, too, you know?" Yes, I'm aware of that, but believe me when I say this particular Kim's a Kim, as in a female. But that's beside the point... "Surely, you didn't know that Shirley was a popular boy's name many years ago..." You know, I didn't know... "That seems to be the story of your life..." If you'll allow me, Kim K's not signing autographs anymore, but that's okay because I'm here to help fill the void. "And all this time I thought you were a guy." I am. "Well then, how exactly are you going to fill the void created by this Kimmy person?" Drumroll please... "I prefer a drumstick." I've decided to make myself available for autograph signings. "Great -- I'll be happy to give you my autograph." Uh no, I meant I'll offer my John Hancock to autograph seekers... "Good enough, but let's keep it clean..." Now, before I start, I need to establish some groundrules. "Let me guess: you won't accept personal checks..." First off, don't bother me at the supermarket; I can't get distracted as I have to make sure to get the right crackers -- only those with a 'hind of salt.' "What else, Mr. Egomaniac?" Autograph seekers shall not approach me in poorly lit areas. "Why, are you afraid of the Boogie Man?" No, I don't want to strain my eyes. And have a pen ready, please -- I don't have time to waste! "Sounds reasonable. What else?" Don't seek my autograph while I'm in the middle of my beloved frappuccino -- I hate watery drinks! "Don't we all?" And one final condition: not that I'm superstitious but I refuse to sign 13 minutes before or after any hour of the day. Or night. "Question: are you willing to autograph people's body parts?" For that, I'll have to ask my wife. So, for now, let's stick to auto parts. "Great -- I have these fuel injectors I'd like you to sign..."
I don't want to limit my audience, but this one's especially for the ladies. "Oh really? What, us guys aren't good enough for you? Huh? Huh? Huh?!" Actually, it's for the guys, too. "Sure it is..." I don't want to exclude anybody. "Too late!" What I'd like to do is tell the ladies about an absolute must-get for their favorite man. "An even bigger flat screen TV? -- Yes!" Well no, not exactly... "No?! And you call yourself a man?!" Look, what I'm alluding to goes beyond pixels and rear projection... "Watch what you say there, buddy." I'm here to inform the ladies about investing a few dollars in bacon -- and it won't affect their man's cholesterol levels in any way... "Is HDL the good cholesterol or the bad cholesterol? -- or is it LDL?" Listen, I couldn't believe my ears -- nor prickly stubble -- when I first learned about bacon shaving cream. "What? -- bacon shaving cream?!" Yes, isn't that something? I couldn't make this one up if I tried... "I thought you were the creative type." I think I'm creative, yes. "Yet you can't make up a story about shaving cream that smells like bacon?" I guess I could, if I tried hard enough... "That doesn't bode well for your writing career if you have limited creativity." Can we move on, please? "Thanks to you, I'm ready to eat a bacon-wrapped hotdog -- Oink! Oink!" You don't believe me... "What's next, pancake facewash? -- scrambled egg aftershave?!" You're mocking me... "And you're making my belly growl!" I just want the ladies to know that bacon shaving cream allows a guy to make a pig of himself -- and it's perfectly swine, uh, fine! "Damn right it is..." Admittedly, I wouldn't want to smell like bacon, but that's just me... "And you call yourself an American?" The good news is, the product actually exists and at a reasonable price. "But you'll never use it..." Hey, I want the ladies and gents to know what's available, that's all... "Well, thank you for your tireless research..." Oh, there's this one other product I'd like to share with you... "Let me guess: pizza perfume." Hey, how'd you know? "I can smell the pepperoni on my wife from a mile away..."
I don't like to lie. "You're lying." No, I'm being honest -- I don't like to lie. "Who do you think you are, Honest Abe? -- you don't even wear a hat!" And due to my honest ways, I was extremely bothered by a strange e-mail the other day. "Which day?" I don't recall. "That is strange..." The e-mail claimed that everyone I know is a lie. "No way -- you're lying." I wish I was... What drives people to come up with such lies? "How do you know it's a lie?" My kids aren't lies! If they were, I wouldn't have so many bills! "Ah, come on, they can't be that expensive." No? What do you call braces, shoes -- back to school clothes! "Expenses I like to avoid..." You know, all this talk reminds me of a show that hinges on lies. Lots of them. "Let me guess: 'I Love Lucy' -- I love that show!" No, not -- "That's not Ricky's real accent is it?! -- and Lucy's not a redhead!" That's not the show I'm talking about... "So tell us then." I'm talking about 'Pretty Little Liars.' "Wait a minute, you watch that? That's a girly teen show!" Uh, I have a teen daughter, remember? "Now that you mention it, I don't remember -- should I be worried? I played a lot of football as a kid, took some hard shots to the head..." Look, it's not that I never watch 'Pretty Little Liars'... Once in awhile, I pass by when my daughter's watching an episode, so I'll catch a minute or two... "Remember, you don't like to lie..." Okay, so I'll watch the entire episode! So sue me! "Actually, I'd rather settle out of court..." From what I understand, the show centers on a murder that occurred several TV seasons ago -- at least four! The main characters are high school girls who all happen to be pretty. "Where do I enroll?" These girls lie to everybody, keep good grades, and try to catch the villain -- without ever messing up their hair! This has gone on for years! "Sounds believable to me..." Really? "You tell us -- you're the expert dad..." At the rate the show's going, they'll have to rename it 'Lil' Lying Grannies.' "Hey, that sounds like a spin-off, where crime-solving grandmas wield their mighty canes." You like it? "Pitch it to Hollywood, make a boatload of money." Yeah? You really think so?! "Nah, I was only lying..."
