Men aren't pigs -- they just smell like it!

I don't want to limit my audience, but this one's especially for the ladies.  "Oh really?  What, us guys aren't good enough for you?  Huh?  Huh?  Huh?!"  Actually, it's for the guys, too.  "Sure it is..."  I don't want to exclude anybody.  "Too late!"  What I'd like to do is tell the ladies about an absolute must-get for their favorite man.  "An even bigger flat screen TV? -- Yes!"  Well no, not exactly...  "No?!  And you call yourself a man?!"  Look, what I'm alluding to goes beyond pixels and rear projection... "Watch what you say there, buddy."  I'm here to inform the ladies about investing a few dollars in bacon -- and it won't affect their man's cholesterol levels in any way...  "Is HDL the good cholesterol or the bad cholesterol? -- or is it LDL?"  Listen, I couldn't believe my ears -- nor prickly stubble -- when I first learned about bacon shaving cream.  "What? -- bacon shaving cream?!"  Yes, isn't that something?   I couldn't make this one up if I tried...  "I thought you were the creative type."  I think I'm creative, yes.  "Yet you can't make up a story about shaving cream that smells like bacon?"  I guess I could, if I tried hard enough... "That doesn't bode well for your writing career if you have limited creativity."  Can we move on, please?  "Thanks to you, I'm ready to eat a bacon-wrapped hotdog -- Oink!  Oink!"  You don't believe me... "What's next, pancake facewash? --  scrambled egg aftershave?!"  You're mocking me... "And you're making my belly growl!"  I just want the ladies to know that bacon shaving cream allows a guy to make a pig of himself -- and it's perfectly swine, uh, fine!  "Damn right it is..."  Admittedly, I wouldn't want to smell like bacon, but that's just me...  "And you call yourself an American?"  The good news is, the product actually exists and at a reasonable price.  "But you'll never use it..."  Hey, I want the ladies and gents to know what's available, that's all...  "Well, thank you for your tireless research..."  Oh, there's this one other product I'd like to share with you... "Let me guess: pizza perfume."  Hey, how'd you know?  "I can smell the pepperoni on my wife from a mile away..."