Saturday, April 23, 2011


I feel kind of guilty not taking Prince William's call awhile back: "Tell him I'm on the throne."  (he caught me at a bad time, okay?) I have this sneaky suspicion that Willie wanted to hire me as the wedding planner for the Royal Wedding.  I usually don't do such things, but I'm sure I would've done a great job, given the chance. (somebody probably told him I do a great British accent, though it sounds more like Cheech Marin's when I don't practice.)  One thing's for sure: I would've saved the Royal Family quite a few bucks on the upcoming shindig.  Don't believe me?  "I don't believe you."  Well, first off, I know where to find great cakes at a great price-- Sam's Club!  "You'll need to renew your membersip, sir."  That's right, and that's just for starters.  The wedding dress, why spend so much in this economy?  I would've hooked 'em up for much less.  I know this seamstress in East L.A., she makes these great quinceañera dresses...  For dinner, I would've called this great caterer, he makes the best tacos de cabeza...  (Hey, it's a notch above England's "Toad-in-the-Hole" and "Bubble and Squeak.") I also have connections to a great photographer (He takes great pictures at the local DMV, and fantastic mug shots of naughty celebrities). Yeah, I'm kinda feeling  bad that I ignored the Prince's call.  I'll have to make it up to him next time I visit England.  "Cheerio!"  Maybe we can have a "guys' night out" with Harry Potter and his boys.   Or perhaps we can participate in a polo match or something.  I mean, what's so hard about chasing after a ball while riding a horse, right?  Anybody can do it.  "Excuse me, Willie, where's the ignition on this thing...?"

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tippy Toes

I need to dispel one rumor immediately, before it spreads like wildfire: I was NOT Natalie Portman's body double in "Black Swan."   As you may have heard, there's controversy on just how much ballet the actress actually performed for the movie camera.  Some claim that another person  did most of the dancing in that fine film (I'm still waiting for an explosion and some car chases).  Well, I'm here to take my name OUT of the mix.  "Wasn't me."  First off, I don't look good in a tutu (not that I've ever worn one).  Secondly, I can barely understand all those fancy ballet terms.  For example, you say "Ront de jambe," I say "Jamba Juice." Or what about "A la Seconde"-- I immediately think Second Hand Store.  What did I tell you, ballet and I just don't mix.  Sorry to disappoint but it's the truth.  "I don't do ballet."  To my legion of followers I ask, "Do I look like a swan?"  Of course not.  If anything, I look like a miniature version of Big Bird (especially when I put on that yellow raincoat my mommy bought me years ago).  So please, next time you watch the film, please refrain from jumping out of your seat and yelling, "It's him!  Penché!  Penché!  To that I say, "Wash that mouth with soap!"

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Wanna Bite?

As I sit here, about to order lunch, a thought comes to mind.  It must be tough being a vampire.   First of all, their hours are lousy.  "Sorry guys, I'm working graveyard.  Again."  Vampires simply have no time for socializing.  They sleep during the day, work all night. "Blah blah, I've got business to attend to."  That's a bummer.  To be a vampire means no fun in the sun.  No boogie boarding, no laying out to catch some rays.  "I always wanted to be a pool boy."  That really sucks (literally).  Yeah, vampires have it rough.  "Why can't I be like everyone else?"  Poor guys, they can never find a car wash open at night.  "All I see is burger joints."  Vampires have to wash their cars themselves.  "Blah, it's cold out here!"  Having said that, the first thing I'd do if I was a vampire, I'd get those fangs extracted. "Doc, is it going to be bloody?  I prefer it that way."  Those poor vampires face so much teasing, it's not even funny.  "Hey guy, them choppers make you look like a walrus."  (How vampires pose for the family portrait with teeth like that, I'll never know.)  If that's not enough, vampires have to lug around a heavy cape, too.  "I suffer from curvature of the spine." And what about that tired flipped up collar look.  You think the ladies find that attractive?  "That is so 80's..."  Personally, I'd get really grumpy if I had to survive on a bloody diet.  "Too much hemoglobin!  Not enough platelets!"  You know, all this talk is actually getting me hungry.  "Waiter, I'm ready to order now... I'll have a big, fat juicy steak.  And make sure it's rare." 

Monday, April 4, 2011

He Went Thattaway!

Okay, so here's my two cents worth: My sense of direction isn't the greatest.  But it's not terrible, either.  "Get a navigational system," one know-it-all once piped in.  Nope.  Never.  I've got too much pride... while continuing to get "diverted." I refuse to say that I get "lost."  You want "lost?"-- go see Christopher Columbus.  Now that's one guy who refused to ask for directions.  "Boss, I think you missed a continent back there."  And what's with "Do not enter."  What are they talking about?  I don't see a door!  "Knock.  Knock."  And what's with so many red "Wrong Way" signs?  (you'd think sign makers would be more creative and come up with something new) I really believe that I'd get better at finding places if given a chance...  "Go West!" I'm told.  Okay. (That's where the Sun rises, no?)  Just to prove my point, I should moonlight as a taxi driver.  "I don't do One Way streets."  Maybe not.  "How about a limo driver?"  Nah, then I'd have to parallel park that big ol' thing.  Now that I think about it, that's what's wrong with our society these days: people don't have time to get lost anymore.  "Enjoy the sights, granny." Hey, get this, there was this one time when my wife got really mad at me for missing a couple of exits.  I mean, really, really mad.  She called me every word in Webster's Dictionary. (good thing she didn't find the thesaurus) I still can't figure what the big deal was. I mean, what was her rush?  "Can't you see I'm in labor?!" (expectant mothers can be so touchy...)